Eight of the worst trees to use for a live Christmas tree:
A Florida Yew
This is a difficult tree to obtain, because you either have to rob a botanic garden or visit a tiny area in Florida where it may or may not be legal to cut down this critically endangered species. More importantly, it doesn’t look that good. It doesn’t scream “Christmas.” Not worth the squeeze.
The General Sherman Tree
Thinking of using the largest single tree in the world (by volume) as your Christmas tree? Maybe find another plan. There is no way you can successfully get to and from Sequoia National Park and bring this 4-million-pound tree home with you. Go ahead and try, but using the General Sherman Tree as your Christmas tree is logistically impossible.
One of Those Stinky Pear Trees with the White Flowers
First of all, I’m guessing this wouldn’t bloom at the time you wanted it to. Secondly, we just used the word “stinky” to describe it. You want a stinky Christmas tree? What are you, a dog?
A Run-of-the-Mill Hickory Tree
Probably too big.
A Lemon Tree
On the one hand, yes, this would be unique, and it would also give you lemons, which you could use to make lemon-flavored desserts. On the other: How about a little tradition? What’s wrong with an evergreen? If you put a lemon tree inside your house and say, “Oh yeah, that’s our Christmas tree!” either your friends are going to be really annoyed or your friends are annoying people themselves and will enter into an annoying-off with you that ends with someone posting 86 Instagram stories detailing how they employed waterproof garland to “Christmatize” their shower.
Bill Walsh’s Running Back Route Tree
This highly specific collection of football play-design tools does not work well as a Christmas tree. How would you even do it? Would you draw it out? 3D-print a three-dimensional version? Employ the most active neighborhood child to spend his Advent in the corner of your living room running quick hooks?
A Manchineel Tree
This tree is super poisonous. They say Juan Ponce de León died because one of the Calusa warriors he was trying to kill had poisoned an arrow with manchineel sap. It’s evidently hard to avoid the sap if you cut the tree down, or if you ever really touch the tree. This would be a strange choice of Christmas tree, and I don’t think it would work out for you.
Tree-son
I don’t care how punny it is or what you think of Mike Pence. This is a federal crime.
