It is all anyone is asking.
In the wake of Monday’s report that Joe Kelly will take a long time to build back to MLB-level pitching, speculation has run rampant as to why a seemingly minor shoulder injury would require so long an absence. Is Joe Kelly completing a mission for our nation’s intelligence service? Is Joe Kelly being prepared as a secret weapon for the Paris Games, perhaps in the 100m dash, judo, or hammer throw? Is Joe Kelly simply loading, stocking up on power so he can finally throw the fabled 200-mph fastball the prophets promised long ago?
I am here to tell you.
All of those things might be true.
We can’t get a lot of information on Joe Kelly. The man is a mystical figure these days, off the grid and away from the spotlight. He could absolutely be assassinating foreign warmongers, or prepping to win gold in javelin, or watching as the Geiger counter on his arm ticks upwards towards the level Einstein wrote would allow mankind to eclipse the speed of sound. It’s possible that the Dodgers are taking it slow with him because he’s been injured so often the past few years, aiming to time his return to maximize leverage while giving the pitcher, who frequently speculates about retirement, a break. It’s also possible that the Dodgers are trying to time Joe Kelly’s rehab appearance in Rancho Cucamonga to coincide with Joe Kelly Bobblehead Night there on July 19th, a night when the Quakes will be wearing their Chaquetas jerseys.
There are any number of explanations for Joe Kelly’s prolonged absence. But there are also things we know for sure. After all, it was written long ago:
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your Joe Kelly; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will throw absolute lightning with my righteous right hand.
Amen.
