As regular readers have probably gathered, I am an NHL expert, which is to say that I became a fan of the Ottawa Senators last year because 1) they’re Canadian, and I treat hockey as a foreign sport, like soccer and 2) they were the most irrelevant Canadian team, as evidenced by me going, “Oh YEAH!” when reminded by a friend that they exist (you changed my life, Ben). Given all that, I don’t really know what’s going on except that the Sens have great vibes, the Leafs are hilarious failures, the Canadiens have a guy named Brendan Gallagher who would gladly wipe Satan’s ass if given the chance, and the proper way to handle the death of a complicated figure is to say all the good things about him when he dies, wait a beat, then say all the bad things about him. Gotta do both all at once. No mixies.
Anyway, clearly I don’t know much about this year’s playoff teams. None of them are the Senators (obviously). Only one of them is the Leafs. None of them have Brendan Gallagher (thank God). Here’s what I think, though, using our NHL Gelo model to make sure I get everybody:
Florida Panthers
Very good at hockey. This year. Traditionally? I assume they’re terrible. It’s still unclear exactly where they play (I’m trying to keep it that way), but I’ve gathered it’s in the Miami area, and since Miami fills me with fear and awe and Kodak Black was not fornicating in that video but was very aggressively grinding on his companion, the Panthers right now fill me with fear and awe. I’m not messing with the Panthers.
Toronto Maple Leafs
There’s some weird romanticization of these guys by Americans, because we live in a Toronto-centric world, but basically they’re arrogant and also choke artists, like the Yankees if you take away the 90’s and that little stretch in the 70’s but keep Derek Jeter around.
Carolina Hurricanes
Cautious on this one, because I feel like they could do something problematic at a moment’s notice (and may have already done this), but…wait a second. Aren’t these the guys who accidentally signed a guy because they were trying to troll another team? What ever happened with him? Looks like he plays a little, not a lot? Weird franchise.
St. Louis Blues
St. Louis doesn’t get enough credit for a lot of things, but one of them is how cool it was around the turn of the century, when people were losing their minds over steamboats and they’d yet to realize that if you build one attraction that’s cool but not really cool, you risk becoming known solely for that, and gradually your city will sink back into the bayou (there are bayous in Missouri, another thing for which St. Louis doesn’t get enough credit, and the attraction I’m referencing is Big Mac Land, by the way). Anyway, the Blues remind everyone of that, so I’m cool with the Blues. Would even sing ‘em if the Blues lost to someone I don’t like, like the Leafs, or Brendan Gallagher’s mother, who must have done the worst job of raising anyone since Mrs. Manfred was whispering, “You’re the best! Nobody’s better than you!” into her son’s ears every night as he slept.
Colorado Avalanche
I don’t know that much about the Avalanche but I know that 1) one of my friends who lives in Denver thinks they’re a wretched organization morally and 2) Gelo doesn’t trust them, so I’m gonna hate ‘em. At least the Leafs actually play hockey (I don’t know what that means).
Calgary Flames
Someone tried to convince me once that people say “Cal-Gary,” with the latter two syllables sounding like the city in northwest Indiana or my uncle’s first name. I think that someone was fucking with me. I think it’s “Cal-gree,” though I personally put a little “uh” in there between the guh and the ruh.
Anyway, Brady Tkachuk’s brother plays for the Flames, and I think that means I’m cool with them but I don’t actually know that. I mean, he seems to like his brother. Why do I have some distrust of said brother?
Calgary and Edmonton appear, by a wide margin, to be the coolest two cities in these playoffs, by the way. Mountain towns and also ag towns and also in Canada? That’s a cross between Fargo and Missoula and Montréal. What a combo.
New York Rangers
You know, these guys do play at Madison Square Garden. I should probably like them for that. I’ve never thought of that before. Although I don’t really like the Knicks. And if someone told me Billy Joel was anti-NIT I’d be disappointed but I’d cut him out of my life without much trouble.
Minnesota Wild
I don’t think this is the Wild’s fault, but it was so hard to be a Wild fan in Minneapolis. I went in to my two years living there with every intention of liking the Wild, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t care. Part of it was that they were the professional sports equivalent of a mannequin—nothing to feel. Part of it was that I don’t naturally follow hockey—no way to know anything about them. Part of it, though, is that even people in Minneapolis don’t really seem to like the Wild. I mean, they nominally do, but not as much as the Twins or the Vikings or leaving Minneapolis every weekend for their cabins. High school hockey is way, way more fun in Minnesota than the stupid Wild. Mannequin-ass franchise, and not one of those mannequins with a badonk.
Edmonton Oilers
The other really cool city in the playoffs, Edmonton is also home to one of the most meaningful stuffed animals of my youth (I think). After our rental car got broken into in Kansas City and my stuffed bunny (and best friend at the time) was in a bag that was stolen, my dad spent months on the then-way-less-built-out internet finding one from the same batch. That one came from Edmonton. Probably the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me. Really cool dad move.
Did Wayne Gretzky play for these guys? Is it horrifying that I’m asking this?
Boston Bruins
The Patriots used to be Boston’s least favorite Boston team (hence they didn’t get the Boston name), but the Bruins have taken that over. Congratulations?
Tampa Bay Lightning
I think I hate the Lightning but I can’t be sure. Nick Paul being traded to them changed things. That was Nick Paul, right? Man I cannot keep the Senators straight. Anyway the Lightning seem obnoxious and they do that weird cap-evasion thing and they’re in Florida but they also actually have a sporting venue in downtown Tampa and that’s something we, a Rays-sympathetic entity, need to encourage. Maybe Tampa can be saved.
Los Angeles Kings
Ok yeah Wayne Gretzky played for the Oilers and then was traded to these guys, right? The Kings seem silly. Like a, “Well, we had to have a team in L.A.” kind of team. They had to!
Pittsburgh Penguins
On the one hand, named the Penguins, which is the perfect nickname for a hockey team, or for any team, really. If Portland gets an MLB franchise I hope they name it the Beavers or the Otters, but in lieu of that I wouldn’t mind Penguins. Not Pickles, though. Still remember what Dillon did on Twitter.
No other hand, I don’t think Pittsburgh’s at the level of Boston where you have to address their fans as one cohesive entity of national significance right now, though they do also make a lot of noise for being such a weird little city.
Washington Capitals
Capitals is kind of weak. They should be the Washington Washingtons. George Washington on their chests, letting Canada know where it’s at. Instead, we’ve got a bunch of oligarch apologists letting Alexander Ovechkin off the hook while saying, “They could hurt his family!” like he didn’t make a ton of choices to support Putin over all the years leading to this point, like the United Nations or Barack Obama.
Dallas Stars
Cannot in good faith support an exiled team whose name was as good as that of the Minnesota North Stars. Speaking of which…the Nordiques are the Avalanche?? And the Whalers are the Hurricanes??? And the old Jets are the Coyotes???? I just learned a lot about NHL expansion. Got a whole course in it. Confirmed many suspicions of how I should feel. Speaking of which, I see the Sens and Lightning are twins? Explains why each has won so many Stanley Cups in the last two years.
Nashville Predators
I don’t trust these guys, but I’ll let it slide if they beat the Avalanche. I hate the Avalanche. I hope a literal Avalanche wipes out the home of the Avalanche and they disband the franchise then start a new Nordiques who are also best friends with the Sens and join forces to pull the Leafs’ pants down a lot and make Brendan Gallagher do things he doesn’t enjoy, like going to church and giving to charity and helping out at soup kitchens.
