Traffic is back in Austin.
It’s not terrible again yet (and I mean, having bad traffic’s a thing if you’re in a big city, and Austin’s becoming a pretty big city thanks to people like me who move here), but it takes a while to cross downtown during rush hour again, which is a bummer.
Anyway, some suggestions on how to push it back down again:
The Dr. Fauci Deep Fake (Deepfake?)
Hear me out.
We make a deepfake of Dr. Fauci telling people driving cars keeps you safe from the coronavirus and send it to the dudes over at Breitbart. Soon, it’ll be viral on Facebook, and millions nationwide will stop driving. It will spin off its own stories, too, like a conspiracy theory mustard seed. Soon, many will believe that driving brainwashes you in slow preparation for the day when Bill Gates will tell us all where to go and when to go there, all so that his foundation can make innocent Americans install bidets in their homes. This thing will grow legs. People will sell their automobiles.
Will this take out all the traffic? No. But we don’t need that. Just need to get it down low enough that there aren’t bottlenecks. Flatten the curve, if you will.
The Mario Kart Infrastructure Investment
You know those arrows on the pavement in Mario Kart that speed you up? Slap ‘em down on Mopac and the word “zoom” will get its old meaning back.
Make a Big Deal about SXSW Being Canceled
Last year, the cancelation of SXSW happened right as the roads began to let up. The real change was that tech companies closed their offices, but the tie was there. A mild laxative for the roadways. Anyway, I know SXSW is canceled this year, but in a “well, obviously” sort of way. Maybe if we say it louder, people will stop driving.
Start Another Pandemic
I do not personally endorse this one, but it is tried, and it is true. When a deadly pandemic overtakes the globe, traffic goes down in Austin. It’s just science.
