Ryan Smith, the new owner of the Utah-based NHL team, made his money by co-founding Qualtrics. What is Qualtrics? Basically, it’s a nicer and far more expensive version of SurveyMonkey used by business consultants and academia. I’m probably missing some pieces of it, but that’s the gist. Which is why it should not have come as a surprise that as Smith tries to name his hockey team, he used…a survey.
And yet!
There I was on Wednesday, voting for four of the 20 options, seeing that Qualtrics was running the survey and chortling to myself. This is like the time my 13U baseball team needed to fix our field and one of the dads was a golf course superintendent. You think Smith paid for the survey?
Anyway, the 20 contenders for the name are out, and as expected, most of them are horrific affronts to God and man. Thankfully, this is the sort of thing a vote should point out. That, or we will learn humanity is in worse shape than we thought.
The twenty, from best to worst:
Great: Blizzard, Outlaws, Caribou
These three are all perfect. Blizzard is powerful, hockey-y, and a natural rival to the Avalanche. Outlaws is Utahn, year-round, and gallant. Caribou is fun, noble, and just a little bit silly. It’s the closest you can get to naming a team the Dogs.
Good: Mountaineers
Mountaineers isn’t bad. When in doubt, most teams in Appalachia or the West should call themselves the Mountaineers. If West Virginia hadn’t so perfectly made it their own, this would be in the first tier, but for as much as we like the nickname, the sequel wouldn’t be as good as the original. This is good for high schools and colleges. The NHL is the pros.
Good if They Were Plural: Yeti, Mammoth
To echo a question I’m happy to see so many people asking: Who the fuck decided big things should be singular instead of plural when we use them as the name of a sports team?
I think this comes back to the Kraken, which I always thought was singular because there was only supposed to be one of them. Upon reflection, I think some marketing firm looked at the names of youth sports teams coached by the most annoying dads in the world and told Seattle’s ownership group that going singular instead of plural was the next big thing.
Yeti is a little better than Mammoth, because like Kraken, we don’t usually talk about Yetis in the plural. Mammoth, though? We talk about woolly mammoths all the time. Every day! Mammoth, singular, has me worried these fuckers are going to name their hockey team after an adjective.
To wrap this up quickly, since this idea makes me nauseous:
Yetis? Cool. Mammoths? Very cool. Yeti? It’s weird, man. Mammoth? Ok what the fuck. What the fuck are you doing, Ryan. Get the fuck out of here. Go home, apologize to your children, and think about what you’ve done.
Reasonable Contributions: Glaciers, Canyons, HC
These aren’t good, but they should be in the discussion. This is where the bottom should lie. Glaciers and Canyons? No thanks. Original and locally relevant, but they don’t click. Hockey Club? Fine for consideration. One note on that, though.
We don’t need to do “Hockey Club.” This isn’t Europe. It’s fine when they do it, but this is America. We call our teams “teams.” The only time we use the word “club” for a sports franchise is when referring to a baseball team as a ballclub. Everyone else who says “club” is pretending to like MLS.
Getting Weird: Black Diamonds, Squall, Powder, Hive
These are a problem, but again, if they were the bottom of the list, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. They’re all very lame, but they’re close to good things. Something ski-themed? Very fair to suggest. Something bee-themed? This is the Beehive State! Should have gone with Beekeepers, but I respect the hustle.
Utah shouldn’t have let these onto the list, but they aren’t making us angry.
I See Where You Were Coming From, But Don’t Tell Anyone You Said This: Ice, Freeze, Frost, Blast, Swarm
These are embarrassing. We get it. This is a hockey team in a wintry state. We don’t have to dwell on this theme, guys.
Great, Now I Support the Death Penalty: Fury, Venom
Look at it this way: If they named it a racial slur, at least we’d know they’d have to change it.
These could stick around. These could become normalized.
I’m getting nauseous again.
Will the Panthers and Bruins Kill Each Other?
In other hockey news from Wednesday, how about all those fights??????
Great development in this series. We’re in a win–win situation now where either the game is good or the game is full of flights. If it’s close, it’s a good game. If it gets out of hand, it’ll really get out of hand. This is the new best series of the combined NHL and NBA postseason.
Did Robert Kraft Fall on the Sword?
As the Patriots ecosystem continues to settle down post-Roast, a theory about Robert Kraft:
What if he made himself a villain to Patriots fans on purpose?
Four years ago, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick split up. This wasn’t that bad a thing for Patriots fans, but it was the worst thing that happened to Patriots fans in most of their lives.* Suddenly, they had to pick a favorite, or do the awkward children–of–divorce thing and try to strike a balancing act. That’s hard to do, especially when only one of the parents has custody. Brady started a new family. Belichick stuck around, and he sometimes let New Englanders down. It was a messy situation, and it remained so, with no hope of being rectified.
Enter Robert Kraft.
By spending this offseason clumsily torching Bill Belichick in the media, Robert Kraft made it easy for Patriots fans to like both their quarterback and their coach, and to like them at the same time. It used to be Brady vs. Belichick. Now it’s Belichick vs. Kraft. The Brady–Belichick rift is forgotten. Brady can still be loyal to Kraft, but Pats fans don’t have to be. They’ve got a new villain. They can triangulate.
UCLA Is Cal’s Dad Now
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing for Cal-Berkeley: The UC Board of Regents telling UCLA to pay Cal ten million dollars a year or UCLA chancellor Gene Block saying UCLA’s happy to do it. Hey there, little guy. Here’s ten million dollars because you sucked so bad at sports.
Etc.
The NIT:
- The European NIT has its finalists. It’ll be Atalanta and Bayer Leverkusen. Wednesday, May 22nd at Aviva Stadium (best known for being where the college football teams play when they go to Dublin). Someone please remind me that week that this is happening. I always miss the European NIT Championship.
Chicago:
- Paul Skenes debuts tomorrow against the Cubs, and I’m sorry to Pirates fans, but I’m going to be an anti-Paul Skenes guy. It’s not a decision I make easily—I think Olivia Dunne has really gracefully navigated all the dumb shit female celebrities put up with—but Paul Skenes is an Air Force deserter, and Jared Jones is a better pitcher. With that established:
- Interesting that the Pirates decided to have Paul Skenes debut on a day when there’s supposed to be rain. Is it because they’re worried about Christopher Morel taking him deep too often? Or because that little boy can’t even make it five innings in a minor league start?
Joe Kelly, Burnley, and the Ottawa Senators:
- Brady Tkachuk is the captain of Team USA for hockey worlds, and in related news, I don’t know how to refer to hockey worlds. I can just say hockey worlds, right? I don’t have to capitalize anything, or mention the IIHF? Games started today, I’m told.
- I’m coming around on the Travis Green hire, and here’s why: I learned he was a Leaf. (Sorry, guys, but obviously, I am not a longtime Sens fan over here. That’s the point.) Does that make him more likable for Sens fans? The opposite. It makes him more hateable. The Sens stink. The least they can do for the faithful is make it easy to hate the coach. This still plays if the Sens get good, by the way. If that happens, Green’s holding the players back from being even better.
- Burnley will probably get officially relegated tomorrow. To stay alive, they need to beat Tottenham Hotspur and they need Chelsea to beat Nottingham Forest. With a Chelsea–Nottingham tie, Burnley has to win next week by something like one hundred goals.
NASCAR, IndyCar:
- NASCAR’s at Darlington this weekend, and I think it’s the throwback race? I’m not 100% sure of that. I think it is, though, because I think if it wasn’t, they’d probably want to make the cars pink for Mother’s Day, and it’d be hard for spotters if all the cars were pink.
- IndyCar’s running the IMS road course. I love that IndyCar spends almost a full month at the Brickyard for the Indy 500. It’s appropriate.
Austin FC:
- Austin FC…visits Dallas? Yes. Confirmed. Toyota Stadium is where the FCS National Championship happens. That is how I know it is in Frisco, which is how I know who the home team is tomorrow. I hope Austin FC hates Dallas. Dallas is a more natural rival than Houston, talking cities. Houston and Austin have more in common. Like being annoyed by Dallas.
*This is not something I actually think, but how Boston would it be if some meathead Bostonian put the Tsarnaev brothers up to it because they were jealous of everyone rallying around New York that one time post-9/11? Mark Wahlberg, for example.
