If it seems like every arm of the law is out to get Michigan, well, the FBI has reportedly been in Ann Arbor.
Over the last twelve months, scandal—a hallmark of any successful collegiate athletic program—has swelled surrounding the University of Michigan football team. There were the cheeseburgers. There were the alleged “computer access crimes.” There is now this reported sign-stealing operation.
They say a successful military strategy, if you have the resources, is to hit your enemy from all angles, and Jim Harbaugh’s football program has been hitting rules and regulations from every side, overwhelming the very concept of jurisprudence with its all-out attack. Durable beasts that they are, the notions of law and order have begun to fight back. Their own responses are mounting. The NCAA is circling the wagons and doing the thing where it takes ten months to have a meeting. The FBI has joined Michigan’s own police department in the email investigation. The Internet, at large, has taken it upon itself to bully low-level Michigan staffer Connor Stalions, and its means of doing this has been to procure a litany of evidence to supplement reports from real investigators concerning a rule-breaking scouting conspiracy whose audacity is only matched by its clumsiness.
They say a successful defense strategy, if it fits your population, is to be so broad and malleable that you are impossible to overwhelm. Like Russia against Napoleon and Hitler, the college football world is beginning to engulf the Wolverine front lines, reversing the siege.
If you haven’t been following these scandals closely, or if you have been and you still don’t fully know what’s going on in each (that’s me, that’s why I’m writing this), you may be struggling to remember which aspects match which broader category of wrongdoing. Here are the three cases, laid out in the appropriate level of detail:
Case #1: Burgers and Lies
Remember the first week of college football? Deion Sanders was taking over the world, we thought Jalen Milroe might be good, and Michigan was rolling out a collection of Jim Harbaugh tributes most fitting in the degree of strangeness and goofdom they embodied.
Why was Michigan paying tribute to their active head coach?
He was serving a self-imposed suspension, because all NCAA discipline is a negotiation (because the NCAA lacks power) and self-imposing a suspension is one card the investigated can play.
Why was Jim Harbaugh suspended?
He and his staff committed multiple recruiting and practice violations, per the NCAA. They watched workouts over Zoom. They texted recruits outside of allowed hours. Jim Harbaugh took some recruits out for burgers during a recruiting dead period.
Then, Harbaugh allegedly lied about it to NCAA investigators. (Whether he lied about the burgers or the other stuff or all of it is unclear, but you can bet your ass he didn’t say they were eating chicken. [I do not use acronyms lightly, but lmao at the headline of that linked article.])
As with everything, we don’t know every fact with certainty here, but the basic summary of this is that Michigan probably broke some small rules; Michigan then lied about it—breaking another rule in the process, the one where you can’t lie; and Michigan then cried like a toddler being removed from the bouncy castle while their coach served a suspension he agreed to serve. Will that suspension be enough? It’s unclear. The NCAA takes forever with this shit. There is a chance they announce the final sanctions for this incident after Victor Wembanyama retires.
Case #2: Whatever Matt Weiss Did
Matt Weiss, may he rest in peace (just kidding he’s alive and hasn’t even been arrested), used to be a co-offensive coordinator at Michigan. I say “used to” because he got fired this winter after potentially being the subject of a report to police about “fraudulent activity involving someone accessing university email accounts without authorization.” What was that about? My inference is still that he accessed peoples’ university email accounts without authorization, but beyond that my inferences turn into wild guesses. It has been reported that the victims are “extensive” and “cross state lines,” and the University of Michigan police department released a statement last week that the FBI has been involved for months, plural, but the Detroit Free Press didn’t have the state lines part in the article I read, so we continue to treat that piece as a rumor.
Notably, this doesn’t sound like Michigan cheating. This sounds like a man who worked for Michigan committing crimes. I would imagine there are strings on the wall of a deranged Ohio State fan in Findlay which connect Weiss to the sign-stealing, and perhaps this will all come together in the end, but there are reports that a police department spokesperson said this investigation is not related to the sign-stealing, and those appear to be legitimate reports.
Case #3: Stalions Steals Signs
I don’t know whether to feel bad for Connor Stalions, happy for Connor Stalions, or concerned about what Connor Stalions might do next, but Connor Stalions seems like a weird little guy. It’s unclear whether Stalions was the architect of the alleged scheme or a loyal foot soldier or a designated scapegoat or what, but he’s the one whom Michigan suspended with pay, and every report we get about him makes him sound wilder than the last.
First, the scandal: Members of Michigan’s staff (Stalions is a low-level member of Michigan’s staff) allegedly were prepared to spend $15,000 this season sending scouts to more than 40 games. Scouts allegedly were asked to videotape the hand signals Michigan’s future opponents used to relay plays from the sideline to their players on the field, so Michigan staffers could then dissect the tape and learn opponents’ signals. If the allegations are accurate, the scheme violates the NCAA’s rules on in-person scouting. It’s also nuts. There are pictures circulating online which purport to show Stalions standing next to higher-level Michigan coaches on the sideline, carrying a laminated sheet of hand signals assumed to be those of the opponent. The implication is that in many games over the last two years, Michigan has known what plays are coming or forced opponents to spend extra time designing and learning new signals.
How did everyone learn about this? The Washington Post ran an extensive report, but the crux of that report is that an investigative firm tipped off the NCAA, providing evidence which included some obtained from a computer drive “maintained and accessed by Stalions as well as several other Michigan assistants and coaches.” The NCAA is investigating, and the Big Ten could choose to jump in and discipline Michigan, and while there has been no evidence so far which links Harbaugh directly to the alleged scheme, there have been conflicting reports over the last few days which say on one hand that Michigan retracted an extension offer made to the head coach and on the other that somebody told Harbaugh not to sign it.
Who is this investigative firm? That’s a great question. What else has been reported? I think there was a report that another team had maybe accepted intel from Michigan. It’s hard to separate speculation from rumor from report. One thing that is very much not publicly known is who the hell financed the initial investigation. I think we’re all betting it’s an Ohio State booster, but that is an inference, not anything concrete.
Second, Stalions: Weird guy. He allegedly has a Google Doc more than 500 pages long which he’s referred to as the “Michigan Manifesto.” Thankfully, if you’re fearing the worst, it’s not that kind of manifesto. Thank God this guy got so into college football. Perhaps Ted Kacyznski could have been saved had the Wolverines pushed him away from math and towards the gridiron.
Sports Illustrated has reported Stalions claimed to a college student (networking conversation, student was looking to get into coaching) that he, Stalions, along with a few other low-level college football staffers around the country, were building a long-term “movement” to eventually run Michigan football, a movement of which the Manifesto was the center. It’s been said that Stalions—a veteran who attended the Naval Academy—attended the Naval Academy as a strategic choice designed to further his goal of eventually coaching Michigan football. My personal favorite part is that there’s a rambling comment under his name on a CBS Detroit piece from nine years ago (right after Michigan got shut out by Notre Dame eight months after losing the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl) in which the commenter calls Michigan “THE biggest target in college football” (right after Michigan got shut out by Notre Dame eight months after losing the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl) amidst brags about how he, a sophomore at the Naval Academy, is heavily involved in Navy’s football program and knows Michigan’s well as well. We should stress here that the comment is from nine years ago, which means Stalions was probably 19 when he wrote it, if it’s even him in the first place. College sophomores are young, but they’re old enough to fight wars, and to do other, more important things. Like trying to beat THE biggest target in college football.
Stalions sounds like the kid who played a lot of the NCAA Football video game and never stopped playing it once EA Sports had to take it away. The man wanted to run a college football program, and by god, he nearly did. Connor Stalions lived out a lot of teenage dreams, the very sorts of teenage dreams that lead others in their late 20s to blog about the NIT. If any of the allegations are true, we can’t let Connor Stalions hang out around college football anymore, but I do think we should all help him find the best deal possible for the movie rights. Then, I think we should hire Connor Stalions to market the thing. First step? Open up a new Google Doc, buddy. (You should probably publish the Michigan Manifesto itself, too. The day this internet would have…)
Arch Manning Bust Watch
This is different from Tom Herman’s bust watch on that recruiting trip while he was at Ohio State. No busts are being watched here. Unless Arch Manning becomes a bust, which is the reason we’re watching.
Maalik Murphy made his first start for Texas on Saturday, backing up an injured Quinn Ewers, and he played well enough for Texas to comfortably beat a mediocre edition of BYU. There were thoughts that Arch Manning might see a series or two, especially as the Longhorns pulled away, but it didn’t happen. Why not? One theory is that with possibly six games remaining, Texas wants to protect his eligibility in case they eventually want five years of the guy, for one reason or another. One theory is that the Manning family asked Steve Sarkisian to make a blood oath not to use Arch in his freshman year, giving him time to develop and get used to the college scene before being thrust into the spotlight.
The third theory is that Arch Manning is already a bust.
I hate to say it, because I think Maalik Murphy will be a good quarterback with time, but Maalik Murphy was not a good quarterback on Saturday. He had a solid enough stat line, but the performance wasn’t encouraging. The connection wasn’t there with the receivers. He looked like a backup QB.
Against BYU, a backup QB is enough for a team as good as Texas. Against Kansas State?
That’s the next step in this question. Next weekend, Texas welcomes Kansas State for an 11 AM kickoff, and Kansas State is a good football team. Kansas State is the reigning Big 12 champion. A backup QB might not be enough to beat Kansas State, and if Maalik Murphy isn’t enough, the pressure is going to be on Sark to turn to the prodigy. If he doesn’t, it can’t be because of the redshirt theory. It’ll either be because of the blood oath theory or because Sark doesn’t think Manning gives Texas the best chance to win.
If it’s the latter, it would still be unreasonable to call Manning a bust, but who’s gonna stop us? The same people who managed to get the Chargers to trade Eli to the Giants?
*frantically hitting the backspace key*
A Better Year in Moscow
One year ago, things were grim in Moscow.
Idaho, we mean.
We’re talking about Moscow, Idaho.
My impression is that things are always grim in Moscow, Russia.
My impression is that grimness is the point over there.
One year ago next month, four University of Idaho students were brutally murdered on a weekend in the middle of the night. It was a horrible, horrible thing. We don’t need to get into it any more than acknowledging it happened. I don’t even know why we led with this. We could have just gone straight into the Kibbie Dome rocking. I guess I’m afraid that Tom Rinaldi’s going to do a feature on the Vandals this week on Big Noon Saturday, and I want to beat him to the punch.
On Saturday, Moscow was a place of joy.
The Idaho Vandals are good. They just beat the FCS’s second-best team, Big Sky rival Montana State. The Kibbie Dome was rocking, and the game was electric, decided on a touchdown and a missed field goal in the closing minutes at the end of a 35-point second half. In five weeks, that same Kibbie Dome is likely to host a second-round FCS Playoff game, possibly featuring the Big Sky champions and second overall seed.
I don’t have all that much to add—you can go the murder route; you can go the Sun–Belt–to–FCS route with Idaho choosing to demote their program; I don’t think there’s actually much to say on the first and the second gets lame if you dwell on it too long—but we didn’t do a Vibe Check after Saturday’s games, and the Kibbie Dome would have topped the list. That building had great vibes.
Appreciate Him While He’s Here: Four More Games of Brian Ferentz
It was announced today that Iowa is firing offensive coordinator Brian Ferentz, and in the most Brian–Ferentz’s–Iowa–tenure thing ever, they’re letting him coach the last four or five games (in the second most Brian–Ferentz’s–Iowa–tenure thing ever, Iowa might still make the Big Ten Championship).
I really hope the rest of the Big Ten West gives the guy a retirement tour. A graphing calculator from Northwestern. A cooler of frozen runzas from Nebraska. I guess those are the only remaining road games but I would hope at least Nebraska would put something on the video board wishing him bon voyage.
More NIT Thoughts
When we reacted on Friday to the NIT’s changes in format, we were incomplete in our reaction. For one thing, we neglected to include that the media timeouts will remain in the same experimental state as last year’s, and that the lane is going to be wider, matching the NBA and FIBA. For another, there were just a lot of thoughts to have. Things we wish we’d included, and reactions to others’ reactions:
1. Using NET for the automatic bids rather than conference record (or even some sort of SOR metric) is disappointing. I understand the NCAA defaulting to their own system, and I understand this is likely to give us the best teams, but I’d prefer the most deserving.
2. I forgot, until about half an hour after publishing that response, about the Mark Adams situation and how Texas Tech’s season ended. Texas Tech would not have played in last year’s NIT under this new format, we can guess. Only ten of the twelve automatic bids would have been taken, putting someone like Saint Louis, Marshall, UNLV, or UC Irvine into the NIT in addition to those we listed.
3. If you read those four names and said, “Wait a second, none of those play in power conferences,” you’re right! I’d call the first three mid-majors and UC Irvine either a mid or a low-major (it’s subjective). As we’ve been trying to stress, this has mixed results for the true mid-majors. It’s bad for low-majors, and it’s a gift to high-majors, but true mid-majors have the benefit of an easier time making the tournament combined with the cost of a harder time earning a home game. So much coverage of this has been dressed in the blanket stance of, “The NCAA gives to the big guys at the expense of the little guys,” but it’s more complicated than that, and it isn’t that hard to point out that some mid-majors will benefit from this change. Those neglecting to include that are either grinding an ax or don’t really know what they’re talking about regarding the NIT. If that latter part applies to you, it’s ok, but there are people who do know what they’re talking about. Why not ask us how this will change things before making the easy take that this is automatically evil because it comes from the NCAA?
4. The really galling thing for mid-major conferences—I’m thinking about the Mountain West, the MAC, the WCC, the AAC, the A-10, etc.—is that they weren’t included in the negotiations. We’ll have plenty more about this soon—Joe’s written about it before, I believe—but the problem of which this is a symptom is that Division I has gotten gigantic, and there’s too wide a gulf between the brand power of high-major schools and the brand power of the low-majors. The high-major conferences have a lot of leverage, and they can extract concessions from the NCAA, implicitly or explicitly threatening to break away if the NCAA doesn’t give them those concessions. The short-sighted thing the NCAA did which has led to a lot of issues is that it made it too easy to become a Division I athletic program. Division I men’s basketball used to only have about 200 teams. Now it has upwards of 360. The big brands are wanting more space, and their value in TV money—which finances the whole operation—is big enough to get them that space. What the MAC and the Mountain West should be (and likely are) most upset about is that they weren’t included. In men’s basketball, the big brands do need some little guys. The sport runs on romanticism surrounding upsets. Saint Peter’s got great ratings! But the big guys don’t need this many little guys, and where we might be actually heading is not a world where the Power Five (or Four, or Six) break away from the NCAA but a world where Division I splits in half in all sports, and not just in football.
Advertising Works
Late last week, it was announced that Ottawa Senators restricted free agent Shane Pinto is suspended for the first half of the NHL season for breaking the NHL’s rules on gambling. He did not, the NHL made clear, gamble on NHL games, but he was involved in some gambling which broke NHL rules. As many have pointed out, Shane Pinto’s helmet—along with those of his teammates—has borne advertisements in the past for Betway, an international gambling company. What can we say? It’s a captivating product.
More than anything, this is a lesson—on top of the Alex Formenton thing from last year, where the NHL’s Hockey Canada investigation *still* hasn’t reached a conclusion—that if the Sens aren’t signing a restricted free agent, they probably know something not yet public.
In other Sens news, Erik Brannstrom has a bad concussion from the game against the Islanders, Thomas Chabot broke his hand, the franchise is reportedly about to be punished after all for the Dadonov no-trade clause malfunction, and they’re playing ok? They beat the Penguins on Saturday, 5–2, to get back to .500. I guess the Penguins aren’t very good this year, but I didn’t know that at the time!
Players-Only Meetings Work
I’m not going to point out that Zach LaVine only scores 50 points in losses, or that LaVine was a staggering –23 in the Bulls’ lone win of the year. I’m going to point out that their players-only meeting after their season-opening loss to the Thunder worked. The Bulls are 1–0 in games immediately following players-only meetings and 0–2 otherwise. Unfortunately, that is a bad sign for tonight against the Pacers.
Thank God for the Bears
The Packers extended Rashan Gary today, and I know that’s good, but my initial reaction was incredulity that anything could be going well enough on this Packers team to want it to stick around beyond this fall. I was hoodwinked by these guys. They got me. There was a moment when I thought they were going to start the year 8–1. Turns out the Bears and the NFC South are just really, really bad.
For that Bears piece, though, we can be thankful. It stinks to lose to the Vikings, but one of the good places to be in a rivalry is the place where even when you’re bad, you can beat the rival, and at least the Packers are there against the Bears. Would be nice to be there against the Vikings, too, but that’s been too even a rivalry lately to expect it. The Packers didn’t lose ground yesterday on the Vikings. They just showed they’re where we thought they were.
Bad Burnley
Someone who did lose ground over the weekend was our beloved Eagles–Packers hybrid over in England, the Burnley Burnleys, who dropped a tough one 2–1 to Bournemouth after going up 1–0 in the earlygoing. Burnley’s in a world of hurt, three points ahead of Sheffield United for last place and now two points behind Bournemouth for relegation safety a little over a quarter of the way into the season. I was hoping it was because of the schedule, and I do think that might be part of it, but they’ve played six teams in the top half of the standings and four in the bottom half, which is fairly even when you consider that Burnley’s helped those top-half teams get points and Burnley’s one of the bottom-half teams themselves.
Overall, it seems like trying to play beautiful football with a low level of talent sets you up to lose a lot in one of the best leagues in the world, which makes sense but isn’t fun. It also seems like Vincent Kompany knows that, though, and knows they’re playing for 17th this year, and knows that if they can get a season under these guys the development might start to work out. League Cup this week against Everton, then Crystal Palace on Saturday back at Turf Moor. Big week for the lads.
Timing Is Everything
I bought a box of Nilla Wafers on Thursday night (these are the details you’re getting in delayed fashion because of the traditional NIT Friday news dump) when I went to the store to buy cheese and lemons. I do this from time to time. I buy a dessert snack that has previously overpowered me, just to make sure it’s still too tasty for my weak will to put down. The verdict? I ate 85% of the box in one sitting and refilled the milk glass twice. In my defense, though, it is hard to get the timing right with Nilla Wafers and milk.
I think the issue is that Nilla Wafers taste the best when they are either 1) carrying the team in a banana pudding situation or 2) dunked heartily in milk. They are a cereal, really, something designed to be eaten soggy. When not eating them with a spoon, then (I’ve done it often, it’s great, but it does feel dangerously like a fat guy move, and not the proud kind, and I am not a fat guy yet and I would like to not become one), you really have to line up your last Nilla Wafer with your last gulps of milk, and they can’t be in the wrong order.
I would commit myself to further honing this timing, but I think we might need another #SoupStreak first. I can’t eat 85% of a box of Nilla Wafers in one sitting more than once a month. Not when I’m this close to being a fat guy.
