You know the scene in Community, or at least the GIF, where Troy goes downstairs to get the pizza and comes back up and the whole room is on fire?
Let’s see how the Senators’ first 25 games have gone.
Things are definitely bad for the Sens. They’re in last place in the Atlantic Division, they’re second to last in the whole Eastern Conference, and Pierce is dying across the room from a bullet wound in his leg.
At the same time, though, there’s hope. They’re only the 10th-worst team in the NHL according to Gelo, they’re above-average offensively, and making the playoffs from here would only require something like a 110-point pace, which is probably impossible but close enough to possible that we can dream.
This isn’t an announcement that I’ll be in Dallas tonight for their game against the Stars. I really wanted to go, partially because I miss my friend Stewie and was hoping to see him, but I’ve been too far off my game, so the Dallas trip will have to wait. In the meantime, I’ll probably check the score a couple times on my phone and jump on Twitter if it looks like something funny’s happening. My other friend Ben’s in town. They’re making hot chicken over at Dean’s house. I’m gonna bring a few beers and show up inexplicably sweaty.
What’s happened since we got too distracted to pay attention to the Senators? My impression is this:
Ryan Reynolds Wants to Buy Them
This has been the news on the sale front. He’d need someone with a lot more money, though, he said. Which is kind of fun. It’s nice to be too expensive for a massively successful celebrity. So, no actual news on the sale. But man, if Reynolds bought ‘em, that’d be good for us, right? Feel like we’d get a few “Hey, I should try following the NHL” fans on board.
Nikita Zaitsev Got Waived But Now He’s Back
Zaitsev was waived right around the time his dad tried to fight a meme account on Instagram his dad mistook for beat writer Bruce Garrioch (among the funniest Sens things of all time, I don’t care if I missed any details, I’m really sorry we didn’t highlight this at the time, this was our gravest error of 2022), but he’s back now. Because our pets’ heads are falling off.
(Ok, here’s what happened, as I described it in texts at the time: There’s a beat writer for the Ottawa Senators named Bruce Garrioch. Some would say he’s a fat loser. Someone else, not Garrioch, made a Sens meme account named Bruce Garricrotch and posted a [not very funny] meme on it making fun of overpaid defenseman Nikita Zaitsev for allowing a lot of goals. Zaitsev’s dad saw the meme, thought the poster was Garrioch, and started harassing the account in DM’s, sending tons of Russian flag emojis and calling Garricrotch a “fat lozer,” at which point we all realized Zaitsev’s dad thought it was the real beat writer posting memes making fun of his son.)
Zub Is Hurt
If Zaitsev’s dad trying to fight a stranger was the best part of the year, this might be the worst. Besides all the losing. Zub was hurt earlier in the year—upper-body injury—but now he’s got a broken jaw. Took a puck to the face. Also, Jacob Bernard-Docker is out with a bad ankle sprain and Thomas Chabot has missed time, so really a tough year for the blue line health-wise.
Josh Norris Is Hurt
This is the worst in terms of on-ice impact? Maybe not. Maybe that’s still Zub. But Norris hurt his shoulder badly early in the year, and while they’re still saying he won’t need surgery, the way they’re talking about it is similar to how a lot of professional sports teams talk about something where a guy comes back, plays hurt for the end of a season, and then has offseason surgery in the end anyway. So, something to keep an eye on.
They Didn’t Sign Formenton
This is the worst saga in terms of the real world, and obviously takes real-world priority over all the hockey stuff and the meme stuff and etc. etc. etc. Alex Formenton, one of the few relevant players who haven’t denied involvement in the Hockey Canada scandal, was a restricted free agent this offseason. The Sens never agreed with him on a deal, so he’s out for the year. Deadline passed before the NHL released its findings. The thought is that the Sens didn’t want to sign a guy actively under investigation, but no one is confirming that, for obvious reasons.
Drake Batherson is another one of the relevant players who never denied involvement, so when the final findings from the NHL come out, many will be watching for his name as well, and it could mean suspension or something similar.
They’re Using Goggles Now
After a very awkward chain was used early in the season to celebrate victories, in the role of last year’s bike helmet, the team made the switch to a comical pair of goggles. I don’t think they’re listening to Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! after wins, but I may have just missed that. I’ll listen more closely the next time there’s a goggles video.
Texas Beat Marquette and I Am Very Ok With That
We need to do a better job of delineating how we feel about the Longhorns, which means we also need to do a better job of figuring out how we feel about the Longhorns. The basic summary is this:
Football: I want them to win huge games and lose hilariously.
Men’s Basketball: They wronged Shaka Smart and must pay, but I like all the individuals involved with the program. Really, I think the beat media is shit (even if they’re great on other sports).
Every Women’s Sport: Hook ‘em, I might have a daughter here one day and it is really fun to dream about her (or hell, a son either) becoming a huge Texas volleyball or Texas softball fan.
Baseball: Team-by-team basis. Need to identify the vibe. Some college baseball teams are really likeable, others are obscenely hateable, and I want the full enjoyment of all of that.
I say all this to say, Hook ‘Em, Texas beat Marquette in volleyball, hell yeah, this says nothing about Shaka Smart.
Thank you.
Saving the Big 5
One of the saddest things to happen in college basketball this year so far was when the Big 5 did a doubleheader at the Palestra and couldn’t get it half-full.
Thankfully, everyone agrees that’s bad.
Dana O’Neil reported for The Athletic yesterday that all five Big 5 schools, plus Drexel (always include dragons if they’re around), are…trying to figure something out. No word on what that might be, but they’re trying to figure out a way to make Big 5 games a Philly Event.
My suggestion?
Don’t worry about trying to get everyone to play each other every year. If you can only schedule two games a year out of the four (or five) per team, do that. And instead of there being a title every season, then, make there be something like a title belt, and make it accompany teams into conference play and postseason play as well, so that if Temple holds it but Saint Joe’s beats them in an A-10 game, Saint Joe’s takes it, or if La Salle beats Villanova in this year’s NIT and Villanova’s holding that belt, La Salle takes it.
Just thoughts. Elsewhere in basketball…nobody did anything that really caught our eye in last NITe’s action. Well done, thank you all for saving me some work, I am running late and Fargo is going to wake up any minute now and want me to take her downstairs so she can poop.
IndyCar Is Trying
Are you a semi-popular sport? Try to be Formula 1!
That’s the conventional wisdom right now, and at least with NASCAR’s attempt to imitate Drive to Survive, the Netflix F1 show that convinced a lot of Americans they were motorsport experts, the wisdom is wrong. NASCAR’s show flopped, or at least, I’ve never heard anyone say anything good about it. Now, IndyCar’s going to try to do the same thing, launching “100 Days to Indy” on the CW this coming spring. Maybe it’ll be cool, but…I don’t know. I still think that if you’re NASCAR or IndyCar, you try to be like golf and tennis rather than F1: Pick a few majors and market the hell out of those, then treat the rest of the season as a bunch of lesser events. That feels more compelling, and importantly, it requires very little time commitment from fans who want to get invested.
That said, I’ve heard of golf and tennis wanting to imitate F1 as well, so maybe those aren’t sports to follow. Golf may even have something in the works? I forget. Bottom line: F1 had a successful Netflix show and that was probably not representative of what IndyCar and NASCAR and golf and tennis can do. It fit F1 well because F1 is so simple and so fancy. More complicated, less fancy sports just aren’t as compelling in a docudrama.
License Plate Bracket III
We’re getting close to doing this. If no setbacks, expect a holiday License Plate Bracket where voting starts next week or the following.
**
Viewing schedule for the evening:
8:30 PM EST: Senators @ Stars (ESPN+)
Sens are a big underdog here, but Gelo says the Stars might be overvalued, partially because the Western Conference as a whole kind of stinks at the top. Anton Forsberg’s in goal. We’re shooting for a shutout. Tell the haters we’re not dead yet, even if Zub’s jaw is not whole.
9:00 PM EST: Colorado State @ Colorado (ESPN2)
9:00 PM EST: Michigan @ Minnesota (BTN)
We’re interested in Michigan, of course, but Colorado vs. Colorado State is our Game of the NITe. Two strong possibilities right there, and each one’s fanbase is probably a little confused about how good they are, which is entirely justified because each has been all over the place in terms of performance.
