The Bears are going to draft Caleb Williams tonight with the first pick. But what if they don’t? What if, through some hilarious twist, they do not draft Caleb Williams? A few alternatives:
- Mitch Trubisky: Run it back.
- Mike Ditka: Run it back.
- Patrick Mahomes: Fool me once…
- Jayden Daniels: Don’t let the Commanders’ notoriously effective PR machine trick you.
- Marc Trestman: Technically, Trestman was never drafted.
- Victor Wembanyama: The real safe choice.
- Deion Sanders: If Colorado’s perceived success has taught us anything, it’s that nobody wants to go to the trouble of pointing it out when Deion Sanders stinks.
- Benjamin Netanyahu: Start a conversation.
Just some suggestions. There needs to be some level of dissent in the draft room. Otherwise, how does Ryan Poles know his lieutenants aren’t merely telling him what he wants to hear?
Do the Astros Hate America?
Luke Little, a very large relief pitcher for the Chicago Cubs, was forced to change his glove last night. Evidently Major League Baseball had previously banned the glove because the American flag patch on it could deceive hitters about the location of the baseball (too much white). They’d notified the Cubs, and Little went out there with it anyway, and the umps said it had to go.
Where this gets good is that because the Cubs were playing the Astros, the appearance was that the Astros had complained. The appearance was that the Astros had complained about there being an American flag on the opposing pitcher’s glove. Are we here to correct this misinterpretation? Of course not.
A proven way to win hearts and minds these days is to find the angle that depicts your foe in the worst possible light, and to then talk about that angle and nothing else as you demonize your foe. They call this “playing to your base.” As far as I’m concerned, every single Houston Astro broke into chants of “Death to America” as soon as Luke Little emerged from the bullpen. And they didn’t even know he had the flag on him! They were just chanting that because they wanted to!
How Bad Could the White Sox Get?
When Joe Kelly was traded to the Dodgers last year, the White Sox were 41–63, on pace for 64 wins. Since the trade, they’ve gone 23–60, a 45-win pace. Joe Kelly was worth 19 wins to the White Sox franchise, extrapolated over an entire season.
So far this season, the White Sox are 3–22. This is terrible. This is a 19-win pace. If there was another Joe Kelly, and the White Sox traded that Joe Kelly, they would have no wins left. Thankfully, no Joe Kelly equivalent exists, let alone on the White Sox roster, but that is how close the White Sox are to winlessness.
We’re going to have some fun with this, and we encourage White Sox fans to have fun with it as well. Just like the Bulls, the White Sox are owned by Jerry Reinsdorf, and once you’re owned by Jerry Reinsdorf, your only hope is one season where all your pitchers become Roger Clemens or one terrifically lucky 1984 NBA Draft. Until Reinsdorf is no longer the owner, your only path to enjoying his product is to treat the losing like performance art. Here’s how bad the White Sox have to play to eclipse four different marks of futility:
| Team | W–L | To Beat W% | Pace | To Beat W’s | Pace |
| 2003 Detroit Tigers | 43–119 | 39–98 | 46 wins | 39–98 | 46 wins |
| 1962 New York Mets | 40–120 | 37–100 | 44 wins | 36–101 | 43 wins |
| 1916 Philadelphia Athletics | 36–117 | 35–102 | 41 wins | 32–105 | 38 wins |
| 1899 Cleveland Spiders | 20–134 | 18–119 | 19 wins | 16–121 | 19 wins |
These are, in order: The worst team in recent memory, the worst team since expansion began, the worst team in the modern era, and the worst team ever. In other words, to be the worst team in recent memory, the White Sox need to play at a 46-win pace or worse the remainder of the year. To be the worst team ever, they need to maintain this 19-win pace. They’re on pace to be the worst team ever. This is awesome.
Sean Dyche Still Has It
CW: Soccer.
Everton upset Liverpool yesterday. Shut ‘em out. Won 2–0. It wasn’t a classic Sean Dyche game—Everton was only outshot 23–16—but it was also a classic Sean Dyche game, because the Ginger Mourinho ended his club’s biggest rival’s title chances. Sean Dyche’s work is nothing if not a series of hilarious pranks.
So, a tip of the cap to our man. With Burnley about to go back down, I kind of wish the guy was still at Turf Moor. Vibes matter.
Etc.
Chicago:
- The Cubs appear to have responded to complaints about their lack of late-inning scoring by not scoring in the early innings today. We’ll see where this leads. (Update: Pete Crow-Armstrong just homered to give the Cubs the lead. First career hit. Cubbies are rocking.)
The Ottawa Senators:
- Belleville won its opener last night. Next game tomorrow back in Toronto. Chance to take the series and move into the North Division semifinals.
