I am on the train. Specifically, a Metra train out from Chicago to Crystal Lake for the day to see the family. And I am hungover and fishing for content. So here are the stops on the UP-NW line, power ranked:
23. Irving Park
This is the stop I get off at if I’m going to a Cubs game, but it’s a long Uber from there to Wrigleyville, and it’s kind of hard to find your ride if you just put the station as your pickup address.
22. Cumberland
I’m not positive this station exists. I have no recollection of ever being there. It’s like one of those science-fiction zones where people’s short-term memories get wiped upon exiting. Also, when I do remember it’s allegedly a stop, I place that stop closer to Clybourn than it is.
21. Arlington Heights
I’m going to do a take here and say Arlington Heights is overrated by the public. Multiple people have told me it’s nice. I’ve never really been. But I’m choosing not to believe them. Disagree? Tough. I’m the one power ranking these stations, and that gives me the power to decree that where you live isn’t cool.
20. Palatine
Palatine’s a pretty well-off town, right? Are they cake eaters? I don’t know, but I can’t risk putting cake eaters in the top 18.
19. Barrington
These guys are definitely cake eaters. But my grandma (not a cake eater—she’s from Sycamore and lived in Morris for a long time and still gets her hair cut at a barber shop) lives near this station. Which makes it better than Palatine.
18. Pingree Road
I mean, there’s a lot of parking.
17. McHenry
I have never been to this station. But trains have to switch to that weird spur to go up there, right? Get over yourself, McHenry.
16. Park Ridge
No strong feelings. Think you can see a baseball field out the window at this one.
15. Mt. Prospect
Even fewer than no strong feelings. Probably nice enough. I neither know nor care.
14. Fox River Grove
I like Fox River Grove. The river is there. The grove is (allegedly) there—and by the way, what is a grove, exactly? Have wondered. The ski jump is there. But I don’t know if I can see the ski jump from the train at this station, and my gut tells me I cannot.
T-11. Edison Park
T-11. Norwood Park
T-11. Gladstone Park
These are indistinguishable for me. But they’re in Chicago itself, right? Probably old-school neighborhoods? I support them in case these impressions are correct.
10. Woodstock
I have never been to this station, but I will always give the town where Groundhog Day was filmed the benefit of the doubt.
9. Clybourn
Clybourn’s strength is its convenience. But while I like its no-frills approach, I don’t enjoy it when grimy water drips on me, and I don’t particularly like the creepy tunnel you either have to pass through every time or I just pass through every time because I didn’t know there was a way to avoid it.
8. Jefferson Park
This is a sneakily strong station because you can pop over to the Blue Line here and go out to O’Hare. Also, I went to a wedding a few blocks from here once, and at the reception they played a significant quantity of polka. Which makes me think this is an old Polish neighborhood. And I am down with the Poles.
7. Cary
There is a lot going on at this station. Route 14’s turning, creating a complicated intersection that has appeared in dreams of mine in which I’m driving a car that’s completely out of control, banking off guard rails and causing me a great deal of stress. Anyway, the main point of this blurb is that you can see that Cuckoo’s Nest bar from the train at Cary, and as a kid I thought it looked funny. Then, as an adolescent, I was told it was a topless bar. Which I don’t think is true, looking at the google reviews for it, which makes the whole thing funnier. Also, one of the google reviews was simply “Smells like B.O.” (the guy gave it two stars).
6. Harvard
When my roommate and I were home over the Fourth of July, his parents took us up to Harvard for drinks and dinner at a pair of places some Harvarders are evidently trying to revitalize. Harvard’s trying, which deserves our respect. We saw the station while we were up there, and it looked rustic and industrial. Which is how train stations should look in small towns in the Midwest.
5. Crystal Lake
This station is right by downtown in the best town on the line (except for possibly Chicago, depending on one’s personal tastes). It’s right by Georgio’s. It’s far enough out on the line that only McHenry County folks get to it, giving it an air of exclusivity, but the kind of exclusivity where the cake eaters never get there.
4. Ogilvie Transportation Center (Chicago)
I like Ogilvie. It’s comfortable. There’s a Jamba Juice (little bit about me: I frequently try to use smoothies to bully my immune system into kicking out a cold or a sore throat). It’s a bit of a walk from where one wants to go, but that walk is in a very city part of the city. And call me a country bumpkin, but I get a little buzz off walking in cities.
3. Dee Road
It is unclear exactly why, but this is the most fun station name. It sounds like you’re saying “The Road” in a colloquial manner. I love it an irrational amount.
2. Arlington Park
There are few better days than taking the train down to the horse track, losing about sixty bucks combined on food, drinks, and horse bets, and riding the train back home. Great station.
1. Des Plaines
When I was little, we used to go to Des Plaines on my birthday every year to go to that Choo-Choo Café place, or whatever it’s called. The one where a model train brings you your food. Anyway, whether that restaurant is still in business or not, I will never stop associating the Des Plaines Metra Station with the happiest memories of my life.
