They say, in baseball, that you shouldn’t look at the standings until Memorial Day. They also say you should definitely check everyone’s vibes at the beginning of June. Thank goodness you’re here.
Let’s go around the circuits, starting with the National League because its name is more definitive than the American League’s:
Los Angeles Dodgers: I Mean…Fine?
The Dodgers have the best record in baseball among teams who don’t play in a hockey town, Mookie Betts is in the running for the NL MVP, and they’re still living in a place to which nature is kinder than just about anywhere on Earth (Earth is decidedly not as kind, but we’re talking sky downwards here, not fault line upwards). And yet, something’s missing. Is it that they lost to the Pirates each of the last two nights? Or is it that Joe Kelly is in Chicago?
New York Mets: Still Alive
The Mets are the only team in baseball to which you could look when they might have their best team ever and say, “Well, maybe they’ll get a wild card.” They lead the East by ten games, they’re already surviving injuries to their two most important players, and there’s this sense that they’re a five-year-old driving a sportscar on the interstate. It’s impressive, but it ends graphically. Right?
Milwaukee Brewers: Hopeless
Completing our trifecta of the good teams in the NL, the Brewers are also unhappy. I think a lot of this is that I’m becoming increasingly convinced Brewers fans don’t exist, and so no one’s there to get excited. Don’t get me wrong. People care about the Brewers. They just aren’t Brewers fans. They’re Packers fans. Or Bucks fans. Or Badgers fans. And what those people notice is that the Brewers never actually win, they’ve got some injury issues, and the stadium no longer has a good name. They don’t know that this Brewers team has the rotation depth to demolish most comers and hang with baseball’s best.
San Diego Padres: Vibing
Great vibes from the Padres right now. A little hungry, but not starving. A little excited, but not at the top of the rollercoaster. Exactly where you want to be as the Dodgers’ challenger, which is to say the Pads are exactly back to where they were in 2020, minus the rapture Fernando Tatís Jr. inspires when things are bouncing with him and the confidence 2020 inspired when 2020 was happening and 2021 had not yet happened.
St. Louis Cardinals: Defiant
Paying all their money to aging superstars and then building them a supporting cast made of former superstars is, against most odds, working out pretty well.
San Francisco Giants: Nervous
The thing about the Giants tapping into some magic last year is that this year they have expectations without a foundation, whereas last year they had a foundation without expectations. The foundation, of course, is the same. We’re speaking relatively. But the Giants could fall apart and no one would really be all that surprised, and they could win the division and no one would really be all that excited, because they did that last year and it still ended in heartbreak.
Arizona Diamondbacks: Strutting
Look at the Diamondbacks! Only one game under .500, full of young talent, still doing that thing where they can’t figure out how to make a uniform look passable (a conspiracy definitely aimed at getting society to say, “DAMMIT, BRING BACK THE RANDY JOHNSON VESTS” like a parent whose kid wasn’t good at the oboe but absolutely sucks at the trombone)…the Diamondbacks are a year early to be a year away, which usually doesn’t turn out great the next year (see: Tigers, Detroit) but is a great time while it’s happening.
Atlanta Braves: Not Frustrated…Yet
Have you ever tried to start a car five or six times and had it get really, really close each one? And you’re not in a hurry yet, but that’s a big “yet?” If not, can you at least imagine the sensation? No? Well, watch the Braves.
Colorado Rockies: Hurtling Towards Doom
The worst thing that can happen to the Rockies is that they win games. This franchise needs a front office teardown, and the “hot start” narrative set that back even further than it was already set back.
Pittsburgh Pirates: Profane
The Pirates are the guy who’s always in the county jail just ripping to shreds the dweeby office dudes who got locked up overnight for getting too drunk at the 4th of July festival. The Cubs and the Reds are the dweeby office dudes.
Philadelphia Phillies: Irate
Phillies fans are having the time of their lives right now, which is to say that their team is unexpectedly terrible after taking an unconventional approach, freeing them to lose their minds with impunity on message boards and radio call-in shows.
Miami Marlins: Existent
This is still a baseball team!
Chicago Cubs: Dreadful
As in, “full of dread.”
Cincinnati Reds: Trying to Befriend the Pirates
The Cubs are despondent in the corner. The Reds are asking for cigarettes.
Washington Nationals: Wistful
Remember 2019?
New York Yankees: In a Hockey Town
Sorry, guys. No baseball yet. Only room for one sport in New York, and if you develop a habit of having dominant rosters that don’t win the pennant, people stop buying into your ruses.
Houston Astros: Who the Hell Knows?
A very weird thing about the Astros, considering they’re arguably the most successful franchise of the last seven years, is that they’ve kind of become unnoticeable in the regular season. Part of this is the lack of an AL West challenger, part of this is the lack of late night games, but part of it too is that anyone who’s an Astros fan is so obviously morally corrupt that you don’t have to weigh the possibility they might be right about anything when you run into them. You can tune them out immediately, and the end product of that is ambivalence.
Minnesota Twins: Horrified
Things are going really well in Minnesota despite injuries, illness, and the laws of nature. Those who follow this franchise must be completely petrified of what awaits should the playoffs come.
Toronto Blue Jays: Puked, Rallying
Ok, that was weird. Got it out of the system, though. Lot of party left. Lot of party left. Hand these guys a drink. No, no—maybe just a beer. Ease back into this, fellas. Do you need us to order you something to eat? You really should’ve eaten before arriving.
Tampa Bay Rays: Sick Freaks
Imagine you’re watching someone who’s really good at carving unspeakable curse words and slurs into hot dog wieners. You are disgusted, but you are impressed. You can’t look away. Surely, this will go wrong, right? Surely they cannot do this? You are having lunch in a middle school cafeteria with the Tampa Bay Rays.
Anaheim Angels: A Smoking Volcano
Is this thing going to erupt? We don’t mean this in a way that’s good for the Angels.
Texas Rangers: Swaggering
I mean, they did spend a zillion dollars in the offseason, and they are only .500, but they stunk so bad. How are they here right now? Why are they not on the ground gasping for air? Do they not need oxygen?
Chicago White Sox: The Lava’s Visible
We’re past the smoking stage on the south side. Again, not in a good way for the volcano in this metaphor.
Cleveland Guardians: José Ramírez!
No, no, don’t look at the rest. Don’t look at the walls. Don’t look at the floor. Definitely don’t look at the ceiling and if you have to go to the bathroom please just leave. But look at this very nice José Ramírez we have. Isn’t he nice? Don’t you like him?
Boston Red Sox: Wiping Their Butt (Again)
Thought they were done in there. Got a second wave. Gonna be out in a minute. They swear.
Seattle Mariners: Researching Ways to Fake Their Own Death
How hard is it to get a Canadian passport? Are there independent leagues in Alberta?
Baltimore Orioles: Alright!
Pronounced, “ALL-RIiiiiiiight!!!”
I don’t know what’s going on with them either.
Detroit Tigers: Will This Trash Fire Melt This Overpass?
Because they’ve always wanted to melt an overpass. You know, this feeling isn’t unusual for them. Yeah, they feel this way all the time. No, no, they’re fine. I mean they’re not fine, but hey, such is life, right? This is just how it is. Everyone feels this way inside. Some of us just don’t acknowledge it. Have you ever had shrooms? They’re thinking of getting some shrooms later. No? Ok, maybe not. Maybe they’ll just throw that TV box on the fire. They bet that TV box makes some really cool flames. Might even touch the overpass.
Oakland Athletics: Jealous of the Royals
The A’s go to these great lengths and here are the Royals, worse than they are.
Kansas City Royals: Their Lawyers Are Frantically Trying to Get in Touch with Them
Not answering that phone! Nope! No way. Things are going great here. Plenty of money in the bank account. Plenty of space on the credit card. DON’T ANSWER THAT PHONE.
