It’s Pie Test time, you hungry little imps.
The Pie Test, for those uninitiated, is our answer to college sports’ selection committee’s “eye tests.” The pair are equally arbitrary, but ours is less self-aggrandizing (and often more festive), so by our own eye test (or Pie Test), the Pie Test wins.
How does the Pie Test see this playoff race? We’re so glad you asked. The candidates, with Joe’s model’s playoff probabilities:
Georgia (99.7%): Salted Caramel Pecan Pie
We weren’t sure if this attempt at twisting the classic was going to work, but, uh, it did. Oh boy did it work. Bring that in here, Uncle Kirby.
Ohio State (99.5%): Cherry Pie
Another classic. By all means. So long as it doesn’t get burnt (*ominous music, Bret Bielema lurks in the shadows of the house with a blow torch) between now and dinner, we’re in.
Michigan (92.0%): French Silk Pie
Ok. Is this the actual French silk pie? Like last year’s? Or are you just going to break a chocolate bar into little pieces and put it on top of a pie tin full of whipped cream?
TCU (57.6%): Five Kinds of Ice Cream Topped with Brown Sugar and also Peanut Butter and also Pretzel M&M’s
Ok, this is a mess, and it’s ridiculous, but we also can’t seem to stop eating it, so if it doesn’t give us diarrhea before we finish the plate, I guess we have to say yes.
Clemson (18.3%): Pumpkin Pie But It’s Uncooked
What is this? Why is it splashing out of the edges of that box? William? What’s going on here?
Oregon (11.0%): Coconut Pie But Uncle Kirby Sat on the Box
I mean, it probably tastes the same, right? Did Uncle Kirbs fart while he was on it? He was on it for an hour??
USC (10.1%): Whole Foods’s Vegan Cheesecake
You paid all of that money and they gave you this? Well, let’s at least try it.
LSU (10.0%): Fourteen Nilla Wafer Crusts Stacked On Top of One Another
Strange choice, but again, this might be the best we can do.
Alabama (1.4%): One Narrow Slice of the Best Blueberry Pie You’ve Ever Had, But We’re Out of Vanilla Ice Cream
Is it worth it? No seconds, but…?
Tennessee (0.3%): A Blackberry Pie That Has Suffered Unspeakable Evils
Taking that giant piss on the pie was enough. You didn’t also have to Hulk Smash it on the kitchen floor, Shane.
Penn State (0.1%): Grocery Store Cake, No Frosting
Thanks, James. We know you worked hard on this.
