Do you ever look at an electrical outlet and think, “Wow, we harnessed the power of the heavens, that which bestows fire upon the earth, that which may have ignited the very building blocks of life itself in our oceans long ago, and we made it available conveniently and at such low expense to individual consumers that some give it away to passers-by for free?”
It’s wild. Electricity is crazier than fire. Fire is super cool, of course, there’s a reason we all like s’mores and the reason isn’t fire but the fire part doesn’t hurt. Fire, as a rule, only helps. Electricity, though? You can do so much more with it. It’s like distilled fire, or a fire reduction if you’re into sauce (and I know some of you are into sauce, I can name some of you who are into sauce). It’s like digital fire, or magic fire, or fire but with much better aim. It’s like if someone took fire and said, “You know what’s really inside this?” and then stripped away all the fun stuff but made it super efficient. Electricity is to fire as Red Bull-vodkas are to alcohol.
Oh, yeah? You think lasers are cooler? Well guess what, you stupid dipshit, lasers come from electricity. So do palm pilots. So do airplanes in a lot of ways, and they’re strong enough that even when the sky gods hit them with the raw stuff (i.e., lightning), they keep flying. Electricity invigorates. Electricity envivenates. Electricity electrifies. Who knew a bunch of subatomic particles dancing around could make people all over the world live longer while also enabling them to watch SpongeBob? Ben Franklin did, and so did Nikola Tesla, and Thomas Edison didn’t but once someone told him he got the idea. Leonardo da Vinci probably knew it too, but he was before his time in a lot of ways. Think of what his flying machines could have accomplished if he’d had access to the sizzly stuff. There would have been a ninth crusade!
So, today, one month prior to Teddy Frake’s birthday (guy I went to high school with), let’s all give electricity a hand. Because when you think of it, it’s given us like a jillion of ‘em.
