Country Donuts Got Its Due

It’s always nice when one of those clickbait lists is right.

When the internet first discovered rankings, it set itself aflame. No longer did your uncle need to convince you Cincinnati was the most dangerous city in America—here was a ranking, and with a formula behind it to prove its case! Over time, things got pretty loose with these: Cincinnati is, according to a quick Google search, the fifth-most dangerous city in Ohio, which is quite terrifying until you start counting the number of cities in Ohio and the number of lists ranking the most dangerous among them. Those of us who make the lists realized we can put whatever we want on them, and the more nefarious among us (never The Barking Crow, we’re too proud) started just pushing out alternative lists, so that now, if you google the name of pretty much any college town and “best college town,” you can find a set of rankings singing its praises.

So, it’s nice when one gets something right. And recently, Yelp got something right. On its Top 100 US Donut Shops 2022 list, Country Donuts—the most accomplished institution in these bloggers’ hometown, Crystal Lake, Illinois—was placed 25^th. Second in the state of Illinois. Could they be wrong? Yeah, maybe they’re off a spot or 24. But a list without Country Donuts on it would have been pretty obviously a farce.

I know, I know. You also think your childhood donut shop was good, just as you can find a list calling College Station a good place to spend four years in your prime, or a weekend in the prime of the year. Country Donuts is better than “good.” Donuts everywhere are good. Country Donuts’s donuts are spectacular.

For a long time after I left Crystal Lake, I was confused when I met people who liked but didn’t love donuts. How could they not love donuts? Donuts are great. Especially cake donuts. People who didn’t like cake donuts, I surmised, weren’t trustworthy.

The problem, of course, wasn’t the people. It was their exposure to good donuts, or rather their lack thereof. Those who grew up thinking Voodoo Doughnuts the pinnacle of donut creation were not evil themselves: They were simply the victims of poor education. It was the fault of their communities. It was the fault of their parents. It was a societal failure, from the highest level to the lowest. Not everyone has good public schools. Not everyone is raised with good parental figures. Not everybody has a Country Donuts in their town. And that’s a shame.

When I was a child, around the peak of Krispy Kreme hysteria in America, the glazy chain (not to be confused with the Glazy Train, which is what we called my high school friend Ryan Glazer when he got excited) opened a shop in our small town. Ripples of fear swept through the populace. Would Country Donuts survive the corporate invasion?

The fears, of course, were misplaced. I’m not sure the Krispy Kreme shop lasted a year. Country Donuts sent Krispy Kreme packing, its tail so far between its legs it was bumping into its tasty-but-not-life-changing chin. In a town of forty thousand, there was only room for one donut place. Nobody would even consider patronizing a rival, no matter how easy it is to crush a dozen of those in one sitting.

The best part of this is that it gives the rest of the list credibility. Living in Austin, I’ve heard good things about Round Rock Donuts, but I didn’t realize it was best-in-the-country good. I’ve driven past S-H Donuts a hundred times, but I never thought of it as more than another hole in the wall. Monster Donuts? Didn’t even know it was up there, but if I don’t spend a Saturday morning driving to Leander before the summer’s up, it’s been a wasted summer. I don’t want to pick on Voodoo Doughnuts—they do their thing, it’s a fine thing that they do—but if this was a list topped by a cereal shop best known for its packaging, I wouldn’t trust it. A list that includes Country Donuts, though? These people did their homework. Heck, I might do a donut weekend in Houston. I might even consider the unthinkable: a visit to the Metroplex. This list is not necessarily scripture, but its 25^th-place ranking is dead on, and that says a lot.

Credit to Yelp. They did good work on this one.

I will say: Surprised Rise’n Roll in Mishawaka didn’t make the cut. Wonder if Yelp’s anti-Amish because of the whole technology thing. Do you think tech companies hate the Amish? And do you think there would be any way of the Amish finding out? The other explanation, of course, is that every other shop on this list is unbelievably good, which would also explain why Country Donuts is only 25^th. Yelp and the Amish might get along great. Rise’n Roll might just not be that incredible.