Playoff baseball is upon us. If you have no dog in the fight (but perhaps have some fight in the dog), here’s a guide to help you pick one:
IF: You believe baseball should be beautiful and fun.
You will love the cow-themed section at Camden Yards. Welcome to the Orioles.
IF: You want baseball to have more fights again.
There’s a man named Pat Murphy. He manages the Brewers. You’ll love him.
IF: You’re willing to forgive Cleveland for giving us LeBron James.
Aside from how annoying LeBron is, I don’t think there’s anything that should hold us back from supporting the Guardians. They’re fun. They haven’t won in a long time. José Ramírez plays for them.
IF: You are a baseball institutionalist, someone dedicated to the reinvigoration of the game.
I’m sorry, but you probably need to support the Yankees.
IF: You’re fine with turning the video game to easy mode.
The Dodgers are your team.
IF: You sympathize with the Nazis when you watch Inglourious Basterds.
Have you heard about the Houston Astros? They are not Nazi-level evil (credit to me for this admission and for not trying to convince you to dislike the thankfully retired Dusty Baker). But it’s fun to say that they are!
IF: You cry at the end of Disney sports movies.
I’m still not sure how the Tigers got into the playoffs, and I’m not convinced they didn’t hack into the MLB website and give themselves a few extra wins when no one was looking.
IF: You like reading books.
Dead owner, feuding stars who figured it out…bear with me on this. There is a LOT going on with the San Diego Padres.
IF: You are gay, you like chaos, and/or you think more sports owners should throw money at their teams like they’re Ja Morant at a strip club.
There’s so much going on with the Mets. There’s always so much going on with the Mets.
IF: You like to drink beers.
There’s a lot to say about the Phillies, but I think most of it can be summed up by describing Kyle Schwarber, who is basically a firefighter who was good enough at baseball to never become a firefighter.
IF: You kind of forgot that the Royals and Chiefs are in the same Kansas City.
I don’t harbor any hate for the Chiefs, but it’s funny that they and the Royals cater to the same fanbase. It’s like the Cleveland thing, or the Pittsburgh thing, or the exact opposite of the Boston thing. There are good reasons to cheer for the Royals, but when you remember how good most of their fans have it, I end up going back to the Orioles or Tigers or Phillies.
IF: You live in the South.
Why are you reading this, Braves fan? You already have a dog in the fight. And no, this is not some hint at Marcell Ozuna running a dog-fighting ring. That would not be that surprising but I have never heard anything implying that might be happening.
