I alluded to this in my rabies exposé last night, but in case you want the full rundown, here’s how my day went yesterday:
7:00 AM Awaken. Open the blinds. Hurriedly turn away because I’m in my dinosaur PJ’s and they’re much too small and there are people out there.
7:01 AM Check if Joe Stunardi made me money the night before.
7:02 AM Text Joe “Thank you.”
7:30 AM Pull myself away from the random-Joe-Kelly-video machine on the Statcast website to eat breakfast (i.e., drink a pint of milk).
7:45 AM Hit the road to make money as a rideshare driver.
9:45 AM Return home. Eat a snack (yogurt—old milk). Commence blogging.
12:30 PM Receive a phone call from a neighbor/friend who has been bitten by a dog. This neighbor/friend was walking the dog through the Rover app, and when she bent down to unclip the harness—which she’d done the day before with the same dog with no incident—the dog lunged up and bit her on the face. There was quite a bit of blood. Stitches were necessary.
12:40 PM Arrive to give my neighbor/friend a ride to the emergency room.
1:00 PM Arrive at the emergency room.
3:45 PM Leave the emergency room. Go get smoothies.
4:35 PM Arrive home.
5:30 PM Finish blogging for the day.
6:00 PM Go grab a frozen pizza (i.e., old milk-covered carbohydrates) from the overpriced-grocery store downstairs.
6:15 PM Preheating finished. Put pizza in the oven.
6:45 PM Begin fantasy football draft.
As you can see, this dog bite took about four hours out of my day. On the day of my fantasy football draft. You aren’t stupid. You can connect the dots.
Someone hired this dog/hitman to mess up my fantasy football draft preparation.
Thankfully, I am resilient, and thankfully, I traded away my first round pick last year as part of a trade deadline effort to win the league (not to brag, but it worked). But nonetheless, my preparation was attacked, and I need to know by who.
Here are the possible culprits, using doughnut aliases chosen based on which doughnut each member of the league most closely resembles:
Bear Claw
Why it might have been him: The Cinnamon Doughnut Hole’s college roommate, this is the guy I know the least. His real name is pretty Italian. Who knows who he knows.
Why it might not have been him: This guy drafts Sam Bradford every year. He isn’t taking this seriously enough to motivate him to purchase an assault.
Vanilla Cream-Filled Doughnut
Why it might have been him: This guy is the sneakiest of us all. After high school, he dated two girls simultaneously, with each believing the other didn’t know. At least, this is what I think happened, and is the story I’ve propagated for the last seven years. I’m probably missing some details.
Why it might not have been him: While sneaky, and married (he mentioned they’re trying to furnish a house), this man lives in Indianapolis now, and nothing bad has ever come from Indianapolis.
Strawberry Iced Ring
Why it might have been him: The most emotionally inconsistent in the league, this guy took one good draft and our strange keeper rules and transformed them into one championship followed by years of having his best players either hold out for the entire year, injured, or suspended. He’s frustrated. He’s desperate.
Why it might not have been him: This guy can hardly get the microphone on his computer’s video chat to work. I am not sure he’s capable of figuring out how to access the dark web.
Cinnamon Doughnut Hole
Why it might have been him: This guy took the draft the most seriously, preparing his own personal big board from which he crossed off players as they were taken.
Why it might not have been him: While certainly dastardly, this guy is transparent to a fault. In high school, when he had to spoon samples of his diarrhea into vials to send to a doctor, he created a photo gallery of the process for the rest of us.
White Iced Long John
Why it might have been him: This guy recently moved to New Jersey.
Why it might not have been him: This guy makes a lot of strange decisions, such as taking an STD (that’s Special Teams/Defense, for those unfamiliar with the nomenclature) in the third round. It’s unclear if he understands how fantasy football works well enough to make him realize he needs to put out a hit on the defending champion.
***
The investigation continues. But we have the suspects.
