We all know who the coolest human is (T-Pain, not to be confused with NIT-Pain, which is what I’m going to feel if my favorite tournament is made small and Texan again). But we don’t know who the coolest worm is. Presumably, they know. But they aren’t telling us. A case for and against a few of the contenders:
The Earthworm
A classic. Of the planet. The everyman’s worm. The problem here is that we see a lot of them dead, and for a stupid reason, which is that they were trying to splash in a puddle. Splashing in puddles is fun, but it is not worth death.
The Flatworm
Alright, the case for this one is that I have no idea what it is. I’m reading its Wikipedia page and I still don’t know what it is. The case against it is that it might be a loser. There are two reasons to be unknown and one is cool but the other is uncool.
The Tapeworm
These guys cause a lot of problems, so if you’re into #badboylife, the tapeworm’s for you. Are worms into #badboylife, though? Hard to say.
The Hookworm
Also problem-causing, hookworms probably aren’t that cool, because they tend to be more prevalent in areas where sanitation is poor. Everyone knows cool worms like it clean.
The Alaskan Bull Worm
Despite its prominence from appearing in that infamous SpongeBob episode where Sandy threatens SpongeBob’s life, a hostage situation develops, and Patrick soils those weird green pants of his from the stress, the Alaska Bull Worm does not actually exist and as such is probably not the coolest worm.
The Bristle Worm
Wikipedia at one point refers to this worm as “the bristle worm of the sea,” and if you have “of the sea” in your name, worms either love you or they think you’re a poser. So, again, jury’s out, but it’s a strong case.
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This concludes our exploration into which worm is the coolest. Please close this tab now and think about things for a minute.
