I’m always a little surprised that the number’s this high, but there are 25 states in these United States which don’t have a professional sports team in the “Big Four” OR “Big Five” leagues (there’s a chance I misread where one or more MLS teams are located, so apologies if New England F.C.’s in Vermont or something like that). Will this always be the case? No. Society is a living beast. But some states are likelier to get teams than others, and some states are going to get teams sooner than others. Let’s line ‘em up, from likeliest (25th) to least likely (1st):
25. Virginia
Did the Commanders propose a stadium down past the suburbs? Am I remembering that right? Either way, bound to happen eventually.
24. Connecticut
Even if Connecticut can never usurp the magic of the Meadowlands and claim a New York City team, the Winnipeg Jets have shown us that if a brand is cool enough, the NHL will bring it back, and the Hartford Whalers are a cool brand.
23. Kansas
One of these days, Kansas’s state government is going to pay enough in bribes tax breaks to get a Kansas City team to cross the border. Only question is whether it’ll be one or both.
22. South Carolina
Will a Charlotte team ever end up in Rock Hill? Maybe. We more see this as Charleston getting too trendy to be passed up.
21. Rhode Island
I have no idea how large Providence is, but I know it’s in Rhode Island and I think you might, too.
20. Idaho
Boise’s population is exploding. You know what comes next.
19. Arkansas
We haven’t seen the last of Wal-Mart. Hopefully the team goes by “Arkansas” instead of “Northwest Arkansas” or “Bentonville.”
18. Montana
Unlike Idaho, Montana’s lack of a clear primary population center has held it back from completely popping off with urbanicity. But this doesn’t mean it won’t soon. Keep an eye on Bozeman and Missoula.
17. Nebraska
Omaha is unlikely to get a team, but there’s always a chance that Cornhuskers fans will pump so much money into their program that, despite not contending in the Big Ten, a legal technicality promotes them to the professional ranks.
16. Alaska
Ever heard of Climate Change?
15. North Dakota
North Dakota has a young population. Not because young people are moving there, but because the people who are already there have a lot of babies. It’s the Utah thing, but without Mormonism. Youngly populated states grow. Populations draw professional sports.
14. New Mexico
There is a non-zero chance that the Adam Silver NBA puts a team in Albuquerque in order to “take a stand” on abortion.
13. Hawaii
Travel issues? Yes. But it would be so cool and fun.
12. Kentucky
Residents of Louisville would be so relieved to have an escape route from the rivalry with Big Blue Nation.
11. Alabama
Birmingham is called the Pittsburgh of the South. You do the math.
10. Maine
I recently spent a week in Maine, and having done that, I feel like if you approached Maine with a professional sports team, they would say, “Oh, no thank you. We already have the Red Sox.”
9. West Virginia
There is a non-zero chance that a post-Roger Goodell NFL puts a team in Beckley in order to “take a stand” on winning back Fox News viewers. Also, keep an eye on the Commanders eventually accidentally ending up in Martinsburg.
8. Wyoming
We’re digging deep in the barrel at this point.
7. Iowa
Iowa’s whole thing is being peripheral to states with professional sports. It’s like the guy who can’t quite get in the buffet line because all the bigger guys are already heading in for seconds.
6. New Hampshire
If you put a professional sports team in New Hampshire, New Hampshirites would eat it alive. They wouldn’t know what to do with it. It’s like giving a puppy a silk robe.
5. South Dakota
One difference between North Dakota and South Dakota is that North Dakota has its shit together a little bit while South Dakota, between cigarette puffs, is asking adults if they’re going to Sturgis this year and children if they’ve been to Wall Drug.
4. Delaware
A theory is that Delaware could eventually attract a Philadelphia team, especially with bribes tax breaks. This theory neglects to address that Philadelphians would cross the river, on boats, and burn that team’s facilities to the ground.
3. Vermont
You cannot picture it, and neither can I.
2. Mississippi
Suggesting expansion here at any league meeting is the likeliest thing to get you in concussion protocol.
1. Minnesota
And finally, Minnesota. I just don’t see it. They’ve already got St. Cloud State hockey. That’s probably as close as they’re going to get to true professional sports.
