Tomorrow, April 22nd, is Earth Day, a day where we all look at the planet and go, “Whoa! You’re a gigantic nearly spherical object orbiting a ball of hot gas in a mind-crushing void!”
April 22nd, eh?
It’s not bad, but…we couldn’t have given Earth something better?
The nine planets and their days, ranked from worst to best:
9. Saturn Day is December 17th
Technically, Saturnalia, but yeah. December 17th. Eight days before Christmas. Great idea, Saturn, you dumb idiot.
Yes, yes, I understand Saturnalia was allegedly celebrated first. Honestly, though? That makes this worse. You are the coolest-shaped planet and you got upstaged by a human baby? Whose real birthday wasn’t even within three months of your big day? Weak performance by the sixth planet from the sun, and now an annual reminder of Saturn’s failings.
8. Uranus Day is January 14th
At first, I thought this was perfect. January is ripe for holidays. Everyone’s still pretty laid back, people generally feel better because they ate a couple salads the first week of the year, winter sucks but it hasn’t gotten cruel yet. Good time to celebrate the other ringed planet (not to be confused with the other other ringed planet, Neptune, or the oh yeah Jupiter has rings planet, Jupiter).
Then, I remembered Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
You can’t try to have a holiday around MLK Day.
That shit will get you canceled.
Uranus is already teetering on the edge of getting all astronomy books banned from school libraries across the South. Now it goes after MLK? I mean, at least it isn’t picking a side.
7. Mars Day is November 28th
Technically, Red Planet Day. It commemorates some spacecraft successfully launching that direction. I’m not about it. You can’t have a holiday that could conflict with American Thanksgiving. That’s a recipe for a ten-year-old learning about it, bringing it up at Thanksgiving Dinner, and getting made fun of for the rest of his life for being the Mars nerd when there was pie to be eaten. Non-zero chance this is what went wrong with Elon Musk. I’ll show them! We’re gonna LIVE there!
6. Venus Day is March 18th
The day after Saint Patrick’s Day? Right around spring break timing? There’s a reason nobody pays attention to Venus Day. Take it from an NIT blogger: It is hard to get people to pay attention to your pet cause during the month of March.
5. Neptune Day is April 10th
This one isn’t bad. April 10th’s usually pretty nondescript. Good day to say, “Hey, you hear today is Neptune day?” and get the response of, “No,” and then have everyone move on with their lives.
4. Earth Day is April 22nd
Similar situation to Neptune Day, honestly. It’s a day. Not a bad one. Just a day.
3. Pluto Day is February 18th
I like this one. It’s a good day for a holiday. February is the worst month (that’s why they made it so short), and even Valentine’s Day is very much confined to itself. You don’t have a Valentine’s Day season, much to the chagrin of that corner section in the back of Target. Four days after Valentine’s Day ends is a perfect day to celebrate Pluto. Good choice, Pluto stans.
2. Mercury Day is August 14th
I’m a fan of this one too. Specifically, I like the idea that in those parts of the country that go back to school really early, some teacher who isn’t stressed out yet about meeting all the curriculum requirements for the year can spend a day teaching kids about Mercury, an event that will lead kids to think they’re going to learn about every planet as the year goes on, which is not going to happen. You will get lessons about Mercury, children, and maybe Earth, but only if you pass the state tests. If you don’t, you’re doing times tables until your eyes fall out.
1. Jupiter Day is May 7th
The best one. Worst case, it falls on Derby Day and Mother’s Day Eve. Not a bad time to celebrate that big hulking mass in the sky which will one day absorb us all.
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See you all in 16 days. If you think The Barking Crow isn’t going to celebrate Jupiter Day…boy oh boy. You might be right. (Someone please remind us of these.)
