In honor of Cinco de Mayo, here’s which heritages do and don’t get a holiday, and which ones want it. Shoutout to the Census Bureau for reminding us which heritages exist.
German-Americans
Do they get one? Not really.
Do they want one? I don’t think so.
I think Christmas trees are enough. Also: This group gets a different treatment from the next one because most Germans got here before we beat them in two wars. In fact, both World Wars were civil wars in a way. Just like the Revolutionary War was a civil war. Vietnam? Civil war. Look it up. Every war is a civil war when you believe in the oneness of humanity.
English-Americans
Do they get one? The opposite.
Do they want one? No.
If you’re the kind of person who watches sports and focuses on the team that lost, the Fourth of July is technically a holiday about the British.
Irish-Americans
Do they get one? Yes.
Do they want one? Yes.
They celebrate St. Patrick’s Day in Ireland too. It’s a little different—not exclusively about beer (though still about beer, to be clear)—but they do celebrate.
Italian-Americans
Do they get one? Technically.
Do they want one? I don’t know.
Columbus Day isn’t what it used to be. And I don’t mean that its name has become a major issue in the lives of very small, very online corners of the population. I mean that it used to be about Italians.
All Those Scandinavians
Do they get one? No.
Do they want one? I doubt it.
Minnesota’s high school state hockey tournament is awesome. I think that’s enough for these people.
African-Americans
Do they get one? Yes.
Do they want one? I think so but I dare not speak on their behalf.
Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Black History Month, Juneteenth…not exclusively African-American holidays, but all centered around Black Americans. And all good! Let’s be clear here. We are in favor of these.
Mexican-Americans
Do they get one? In a way.
Do they want one? In a way.
Is Cinco de Mayo the biggest day of the year for Mexican restaurants? I hope it isn’t. Not because I don’t support Mexican restaurants (the contrary!) but because it’s gotta be huge, so I hope there’s a day that’s even bigger that I just don’t know about.
Anyway, I know Cinco de Mayo is a caricature, but I want to know how much family-owned Mexican restaurants contribute economically to Mexican immigrants and their descendants. Are restaurants a big piece of that pie chart or am I a racist?
If you’re a white person worked up about Cinco de Mayo, you’re probably a little exhausting. Go volunteer somewhere. Build a house with Jimmy Carter’s ghost.
Native Americans
Do they get one? Not really.
Do they want one? Well…
One time I drove past Red Mesa High School on Navajo Nation, and if you’re unfamiliar with Red Mesa High School, their sports teams are named the Redskins. I looked into this more that night when I got to the Holiday Inn. I found an article where they interviewed a local about the name. Paraphrased:
Interviewer: Is it offensive?
Local: I mean, probably. But we’re more focused on getting the uranium out of our drinking water.
Asian-Americans
Do they get one? Not nationally.
Do they want one? I have no idea.
The first wave of Asian-American immigrants built the railroads. The current wave of Asian-American immigrants got here a little too late for Lunar New Year activities to be a major part of elementary school curriculums. That might be for the best.
Non-Mexican Latin American-Americans
Do they get one? No.
Do they want one? Hard to say.
If I know what I think I know about Latin American immigrants, each heritage within the category has people who want a holiday. However. I really doubt Puerto Ricans want Mexican-Americans to get a holiday.
The Scots-Irish
Do they get one? No.
Do they want one? Probably not.
Not Catholic, so St. Patrick’s Day doesn’t really apply. Not British, so happy enough with Independence Day. The Scots-Irish, as always, are hard to pin down here.
Polish-Americans
Do they get one? Yes!
Do they want one? I don’t know.
If you don’t recognize Casimir Pulaski Day, you grew up more than an hour from Chicago.
Louisiana
Do they get one? Actually, yes.
Do they want one? I don’t think they care if anyone else celebrates it.
Mardi Gras rules. As is fitting, considering Louisiana.
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Oktoberfest