Judging by the fact we’re still getting Blooper content more than a week into the MLB lockout, the mascots aren’t locked out. This was a major legal question. It has been, for the most intensive intents and purposes, answered. But as is so often the case on the math homework of the eighth grader I tutor, this isn’t the final answer. In fact, it’s just a variable in the next question. He has midterms this week. I need to brush up on transformations. I’m writing this blog post instead.
The next question, bestowed upon us by the gods of law and fur-covered suits, is whether the mascots will, in effect, be scabs come April, should the lockout persist. Will the mascots, in other words, play the games?
There are two ways this could be done. The first is that, EA-Sports-NCAA-Football-style, they could simply reproduce the mascot suits and get enough of them to field whole teams. Nine Bloopers vs. Nine Phanatics. Mayhem. Someone would undeniably die if this choice were made. At least one Blooper would throw an umpire off a bridge. As the prophets have foretold.
The safer way to do it (safer for you, in that it would prevent a mascot takeover of the nation—I’m safe either way, as I’ve long been prepared to bow to mascot overlords, and was in fact raised in a mixed mascot/human family [I’m being serious, my dad was a mascot]) would be to make an AL team of mascots and an NL team of mascots and have them play a 162-game series against one another, traveling to parks around the country and perhaps, Covid-willing, the world.
This being a blog post (and me being entirely faithful to Al Gore’s laws), it’s now time for me to make an American League mascot lineup and a National League mascot lineup, and to make this page load faster and avoid any copyright complaints if it goes viral, here’s a link to the mascots using our preferred source, MLB’s All-Star “Play Ball Park,” and here’s a link to where I went for a few other teams’ mascots because evidently Ace didn’t get the invite to Denver last summer?? If you need a refresher on any and all mascots, those are your links. Also, I’m including the hot dogs. The Guardians’ hot dogs.
American League
We start with the AL lineup.
Pitchers
- Southpaw (CWS) – Starter
- Ace (TOR) – Starter
- Onion (CLE) – Setup
- Mustard (CLE) – Setup
- Ketchup (CLE) – Closer
With the names Southpaw and Ace…obviously they’re the 1-2 punch. From there, a bullpen full of hot dogs naturally follows.
Hitters
- Orbit (HOU) – Catcher
- Stomper (OAK) – First Base
- Oriole Bird (BAL) – Second Base
- Paws (DET) – Shortstop
- Sluggerrr (KC) – Third Base
- Wally (BOS) – Left Field
- Rangers Captain (TEX) – Center Field
- Raymond (TB) – Right Field
- T.C. Bear (MIN) – Designated Hitter
T.C. Bear has DH vibes, Wally has to be home in left field, Rangers Captain should have good straight-line speed. Stomper can bop, Oriole Bird is quick, Paws is powerful, I had to roster Sluggerrr, and Raymond’s quirky. Orbit at catcher because of his low center of gravity. I’d imagine it’s hard to squat when you are proportioned like some mascots are proportioned, and that is not fat-shaming that is an observation (and an empathetic one, at that—I too struggle to squat because of my proportions).
Coaches
- Mariner Moose (SEA) – First Base Coach
- Slider (CLE) – Third Base Coach
Mariner Moose has better vibes, Slider seems bolder. Just my opinion.
National League
Pitchers
- George Washington (WSH) – Starter
- Thomas Jefferson (WSH) – Starter
- Bernie the Brewer (MIL) – Setup
- Phillie Phanatic (PHI) – Setup
- Lou Seal (SF) – Closer
The founding fathers have starting experience, Bernie looks like Rollie Fingers, the Phillie Phanatic’s entrance music would be lit, and I have a possibly unreasonable degree of trust for seals.
Hitters
- Dinger (COL) – Catcher
- Clark the Cub (CHC) – First Base
- Rosie Red (CIN) – Second Base
- Mr. Met (NYM) – Shortstop
- Baxter (ARZ) – Third Base
- Billy the Marlin (MIA) – Left Field
- Freebird (STL) – Center Field
- Pirate Parrot (PIT) – Right Field
- Swinging Friar (SD) – Designated Hitter
The Swinging Friar has to swing. Freebird’s got range. Humanoids up the middle in the infield, dinosaur behind the plate (for obvious reasons). I don’t like Baxter, but I think he has hands.
Coaches
- Blooper (ATL) – Manager
- Abraham Lincoln (WSH) – Third Base Coach
- Theodore Roosevelt (WSH) – First Base Coach
Blooper is our king, and a manager’s primary job is to kick ass in fights, which I trust Blooper to do. As far as Lincoln and Roosevelt go: Lincoln was known for making good decisions. Roosevelt was known for his own party trying to hide him in a job where he couldn’t do anything. The First Base Coach is the Vice President of the baseball team.
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Who would win? I like the AL more in the infield, but the NL’s bullpen gives you a wider variety of looks. The AL has more pop, but Billy the Marlin is a value acquisition with potential who could shake up the NL lineup. Coaching doesn’t matter much in baseball, but I’d give that edge to the NL based on numbers, if nothing else. Overall, I’m saying the AL wins a 162-game series but the NL wins a seven-game series. Blooper forever.
