Gerrit Cole gave a hilarious and also what-was-he-supposed-to-say answer when asked explicitly which substance he was using to doctor baseballs, and I’m surprised I’m saying this, because Gerrit Cole’s feud with Trevor Bauer was kind of what started this whole thing coming to the surface (my impression, and share yours in the comments because this is all from memory which isn’t all that trustworthy [thanks, Gerald Ford], is that Bauer was mad his old enemy from college was doing well after learning to cheat with the Astros and decided to call him out, and then when MLB didn’t respond decided to escalate the situation by cheating himself and doing it well enough to win a Cy Young award), but I felt a little bad for Gerrit Cole. Like, look, you already got rocked once because you had to adjust to not doing a thing perhaps as much as sixty or seventy percent of the league was doing. I’m glad someone asked you about it, but also, that probably stunk.
So, to make Gerrit Cole feel better, here are ten questions I would like to ask him at his next press conference:
1. “Hey, Gerrit. NIT Stu here from The Barking Crow. Were you putting your own butt sweat on baseballs?”
2. “Hey, Gerrit. NIT Stu here from The Barking Crow. Were you putting someone else’s butt sweat on baseballs?”
3. “Hey, Gerrit. NIT Stu here from The Barking Crow. Were you putting fluids you found under an old truck in the parking lot on baseballs?”
4. “Hey, Gerrit. NIT Stu here from The Barking Crow. Were you putting little pieces of receipts from the American Girl Doll store on baseballs?”
5. “Hey, Gerrit. NIT Stu here from The Barking Crow. Were you putting a secret potion on baseballs that was really just hose water and a ton of sticks from the side of your backyard that your dad was saving for kindling?”
6. “Hey, Gerrit. NIT Stu here from The Barking Crow. Were you putting hair product from Don Mattingly’s mustache on baseballs?”
7. “Hey, Gerrit. NIT Stu here from The Barking Crow. Were you ordering industrial quantities of horse semen from the dark web and putting it on baseballs?”
8. “Hey, Gerrit. NIT Stu here from The Barking Crow. Were you putting your grandfather’s cologne on baseballs?”
9. “Hey, Gerrit. NIT Stu here from The Barking Crow. Were you putting your diaper rash cream on baseballs?”
10. “Hey, Gerrit. NIT Stu here from The Barking Crow. Were you taking dried strips of Elmer’s Glue, getting them wet again, rubbing them on your fingers, and putting that on baseballs?”
Give me a chance to ask these questions, New York Yankees. They’ll cheer Gerrit right up.
