We Found the Dumbest List on the Internet

A few months ago, while looking for Heaven knows what, we found the dumbest list on The Internet™. Yes, a few months ago. No, I don’t know why we didn’t tell you before now. Yes, we might be bad friends.

The list’s from some site called “Lifehack,” which is the first good sign. The list’s 54 items long, which is the second good sign. The list is entitled, “54 Things Everyone Needs To Know How To Do,” which is a bad sign, but the author wastes no time in confirming that this list is by no means full of useful advice:

“1. You should know how to start a fire without matches.”

Now why in the world would I need to know that? Yeah, it’s a cool thing to know, and if I ever want to go backpacking in the wilderness I should probably learn it, but it’s pretty easy to avoid going backpacking in the wilderness. You just don’t do it. It’s not like you’re walking into work one day and then, oop, there you are in the wilderness all alone and your matches have been soaked to their cores by a downpour and a leaky bag.

“2. You should know basic survival skills.”

Again, you can avoid backpacking in the wilderness. This is a very easy thing to avoid. We could have made this list 53 items long by simply making the first item, “Don’t go backpacking if you are unprepared.”

“3. You should know how to grow your own vegetables.”

Is this a zombie apocalypse thing? Humanity spent centuries developing things like trade and transport so that we would not have to grow our own vegetables. What calamity is going to cut us all off from one another and simultaneously leave us with plots of farmable land?

“4. You should know how to swim.”

I mean, yeah, sure. This isn’t top-four for me, but it’s probably on my list.

“5. You should know how to change a tire.”

Now we’re getting somewhere. Useful!

“6. You should know how to jump-start a car.”

Yes, but at the same time, this always needs to be accompanied by the caveats about how jumping cars doesn’t always work and cables have short shelf lives and all that. People think knowing how to jump cars is a get-out-of-broken-down-car free card. It is a much more uncertain world than that. You know what everyone should know, Lifehack? How to gauge and deal with the everpresent uncertainties of life. Put that in your list.

“7. You should know how to code.”

Hold up. You just told me I was going to be stranded in a forest with no matches, a bunch of vegetable seeds, a flat tire, a dead car battery, and lots of deep streams in need of fording. Now I’m supposed to code my way out of this??

“8. You should know how to build a website.”

NO! THIS IS USELESS! YOU CAN PAY PEOPLE TO DO THIS FOR YOU!

The blurb under this one says, “It’s also a great way to earn side income,” which is one of the wildest alleged necessities imaginable. Consider the birds of the air. Even they have a side hustle. – Jesus

“9. You should know how to think critically and question the status quo.”

Sure, but I’m not putting “get a liberal arts education” on the list of absolute necessities in life. That is a luxury. I do not think every single person on this earth needs to know how to think critically. Would love that, but we’re not there yet. We have websites to build, for God’s sake!

“10. You should know how to cook an egg (correctly!)”

I’m getting angry. The blurb: “Too many people are ruining breakfast by mucking this up. C’mon people- it’s time to learn the right way of doing this.”

You need to know how to change a tire, and you need to make a mean eggs benedict. – Excerpt from any commencement speech I’m ever asked to give.

“11. You should know how to perform CPR.”

This one’s good. We’re two for eleven.

“12. You should know how to manage your time.”

Ehh. Helpful, but not exactly need-to-know. You can get through life running late and forgetting to do certain things and being a little bit stressed. It’s ok to do that.

“13. You should know how to dress properly.”

Based on the beginning of this list, you would think that this was telling you to ensure you can maintain body heat should you ever find yourself stranded in the arctic. But no, not that. Blurb: “First impressions are important. Dressing to impress means being tidy, up to date on fashion, looking as professional as you can, dressing for your body, and if you’re advanced, bringing some personality into it.”

Bring some personality into it, fellas. Only if you’re advanced, though.

“14. You should know how to approach and meet new people.”

Let’s play a game: Is this about survival or is this about networking?

(It’s about networking.)

“15. You should know how to lift your own weight.”

I like that this is depicted as something that’s a matter of knowledge and not training. Figure it out, you weak bitch!

“16. You should know how to remember peoples’ names.”

You’d have to really forget the wrong person’s name for it to have a materially adverse effect on your life.

“17. You should know how to give a toast in front of lots of people.”

Should everyone know that wedding toasts are toasts and not speeches? Yes. Should everyone know not to call their wedding toast a speech in the middle of the toast? Yes. Should everyone understand the distinction between toasts and speeches and conduct themselves accordingly at weddings? Yes. But this is pet-peeve territory. Two for 17. CPR and changing tires, baby.

“18. You should know how to negotiate.”

So you can get the best rate on your near-death hiking trek.

“19. You should know how to detect a lie.”

From the blurb: “Did you know 91 percent of humans lie on a regular basis at work and at home, and you’ve (sic) lied to about 2 or 3 times in a ten-minute conversation? Yeah. Food for thought.”

Checkmate on me, I guess. You can’t argue with, “Yeah. Food for thought.”

“20. You should know how to shut up and listen genuinely.”

Have you shared this list with a lot of people verbally, sir or ma’am?

“21. You should know how to tell a good story.”

From the blurb: “When the power goes out or there’s no cell phone service available, you’ll be a valuable source of entertainment to everyone.”

I had a lot to say but then I saw the next one and we have to move on to 22 now, because…

“22. You should know how to defend yourself against single and multiple assailants.”

MULTIPLE ASSAILANTS!!!!!! MULTIPLE!!!!!!

“23. You should know how to use a credit card correctly.”

I’d agree with this one. Swiping, inserting, when to use the tap…and the fact you have to pay the bill every month. That’s a big one. Really big, in fact. Three for 23.

“24. You should know how to invest in the stock market.”

There’s some merit to this, but I feel like the real thing you want to avoid is becoming a ward of the state when you’re too old to work. That’s the baseline. And even that, I mean, I don’t know. Old neighbor John from across the street’s doing fine in the public nursing home.

Someone named Ramit Sethi gets mentioned in here. Sorry, Ramit. Guilt by association.

“25. You should know how to speak at least one or two languages besides English.”

And you should also play eight instruments!

“26. You should know how to make money (without a job).”

Are you suggesting crime, sir or ma’am?

“27. You should know how to manage your personal finances.”

This feels like it could have covered most of these last few. Except for the multiple languages part. Unless managing your personal finances includes international banking? Is that how to make the money without a job?

“28. You should know how to draw.”

No, you really don’t need to do that if you don’t want to.

“29. You should know how to be a respectful house guest.”

I was really hoping this would lead into a discussion of the suitors from The Odyssey, but no dice.

“30. You should know how to keep your computer secure.”

Most computers do that on their own now, but yeah, there’s reason here. I’ll allow it. Four for 30.

“31. You should know how to navigate with a map and compass (without a GPS).”

If you are going to be driving unmarked roads, yes. But again, you could probably get away without knowing this if you simply…didn’t drive unmarked roads.

“32. You should know how to sew.”

Wait ‘til you see this next one.

“33. You should know how to travel hack.”

I want us to all take a minute and sit with what we just read.

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Ok. We will speak of it no more.

“34. You should know how to buy a car without getting ripped off.”

Blurb: “If you don’t know the proper method of buying a car (especially a used car), you will get ripped off. Do you want to get ripped off? I thought so. Now go learn.”

Well? You heard the list! Go learn!

“35. You should know how to be happy.”

A nation of mental health professionals just gave up.

“36. You should know how to fix a bike flat.”

In case building your own website doesn’t work out.

“37. You should know how to have a conversation with someone of any age.”

I think I understand the sentiment here, but there is so much else going on with this list that I’m a little worried I don’t actually understand the sentiment here. Is this the negotiation thing again?

“38. You should know how to drive a manual transmission vehicle.”

Right. In case you accidentally time travel back to 1968 and find that in your 1968 life, you live too far from the grocery store to walk and you never paid enough attention so you cannot simply grow your own vegetables.

“39. You should know how to back up your data.”

Is this a sales pitch?

“40. You should know how to say ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I was wrong.’”

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the range we’ve encountered today. Five for 40…I guess?

“41. You should know how to sing or play an instrument.”

We all knew this was coming once they talked language. But it’s better than we thought. From the blurb: “For example, learning how to play the guitar promotes well-being.”

“42. You should know how to ask for help.”

Of course. Because even if you know how to start a fire without matches and think critically about the status quo, you may still need assistance.

“43. You should know the basics of how to repair a car.”

Again, the point of the developed economy is that certain people fix cars and other people work other jobs so they can pay people to fix cars. It’s the vegetable thing again. If you want to, yeah! But I was told I needed to do these things. That was the headline. “54 Things Everyone Needs to Know How to Do.” Not, “54 Things I Would Like to Know How to Do, a Few of Which May Be of Assistance to Your Well-Being Throughout Your Span on Earth.”

“44. You should know how to control your temper.”

Again: You’ve shared this list with a lot of people already, haven’t you?

“45. You should know how to show gratitude, and write a thank-you note.”

I guess basic morality is good to know? Is Lifehack a website for sociopaths? The thank-you note thing is fine and good, but that feels less like a “how” than a “just know that you should do it because it’s nice.”

“46. You should know how to parallel park.”

This is behind changing a car tire for me, but it’s more frequently useful than possibly anything else on this list, so let’s say six for 46.

“47. You should know how to write professionally.”

And YOU should know the definition of “professionally!”

“48. You should know how to perform basic first aid.”

Yeah, useful, whatever, seven for 48.

“49. You should know how to put together a basic emergency preparedness kit.”

This feels situational. Nice safety net, yeah, but if you try to prepare for every possible disaster that can befall you, you’re going to spend your entire life preparing for disasters. Remember that time management thing, earlier?

“50. You should know how to give a compliment.”

We’re running out of steam.

“51. You should know the correct way to respond to criticism.”

AND THERE’S A WRONG WAY TO DO IT, BUDDY.

“52. You should know how to prepare and roast a turkey or chicken.”

In case you failed to cook it properly back when it was an egg. And yes, the blurb includes instructions for those reading who don’t eat meat: “Or if you’re vegan- a tofurky.”

“53. You should know how to use Google efficiently.”

Fair. If I’d used Google efficiently, I wouldn’t have encountered your stupid list.

“54. You should know how to crowd-source opinions from your social networks.”

Oh no.

From the blurb: “Where do you think I got most of the ideas for this article? Yes, my facebook.”

I have a new nemesis.

“Final Thoughts”

The writer includes a final blurb which roughly resembles a sentence: “So here you go 54 things that you should know to make yourself more equipped, so you can handle things smarter in different life situations.”

The complete absence of editing on the final blurb is telling, and I think what it tells is that all of us—writer, editor, reader—were not prepared for this list to go on this long. I am numbed. No wonder we didn’t share it back when we originally found it.