We Don’t Want the Brewers to Die. But If We Get the Expos Out of It…

The buzz is growing about the Brewers starting the relocation dance, threatening to leave Milwaukee if they don’t get the public funding they want for renovations on a stadium that was considered state-of-the-art just more than twenty years ago. Evidently once they stopped calling the place Miller Park, the leaks got worse. The universe appreciates an on-brand sponsor.

Obviously, we don’t want the Brewers to leave Milwaukee. There is nothing altogether revolting about the Milwaukee Brewers, a few current employees notwithstanding, and if the Brewers cease to exist, Bernie Brewer will almost certainly be unemployed. Not only are there very few slides large enough to accommodate him, but he would make no sense as a mascot for any other MLB team.

But.

What if we get the Expos back?

I propose we view the possibilities as follows:

1. Montreal Expos

The Expos returning would be fun enough that I would trade a lot of things for it. One of those is the Milwaukee Brewers.

2. Milwaukee Brewers but they have to change the name back to Miller Park

This might actually work well for raising those public funds. Wisconsin taxpayers obviously don’t want to fund a largescale patching of American Family Field, but Miller Park? That might poll rather well.

3. Portland Sea Lions (or a similarly charming coastal and/or woodland creature)

If the Brewers move to Portland and rename themselves after something cute, I’m in.

4. Milwaukee Brewers but they don’t change the park name

This is the median outcome.

5. Charlotte Shiners

I will support a move to Charlotte but only if they keep the spirit of the Brewers’ name alive by switching the name to something related to brewing moonshine.

6. Nashville Stars

Ok, fine. We can try it. We can try giving Tennessee a professional sports team. But only if it helps avoid this bottom outcome.

7. Portland/Charlotte Crush

If this thing comes out sounding like an AUDL team, we tell Rob Manfred some hard truths.