A large, unhealthy bear made headlines recently by invading yet another home, and no, we aren’t talking about Russia this time. Hank the Tank, a massive black bear out in Lake Tahoe, became a bit of a meme after being credited with more than thirty burglaries in recent months.
Turns out, Hank wasn’t working alone.
Yesterday, the Sacramento Bee published an exposé revealing at least three black bears were involved in the break-ins.
It’s possible, of course, that this speaks even more highly of Hank’s sophistication. The guy may well have his own organized crime ring. More likely, though, Hank was overhyped. There were always three bears, and the credit attributed to Hank was unfair.
Personally, of course, I hope it’s the former possibility. I hope Hank’s a criminal mastermind running jelly and butter all up and down the Sierra Nevada. I hope Hank has bears working for him who know how to drive cars and that he’s been responsible for at least one otherwise unexplained human death. I hope Hank is a grizzled con who’s seen some shit, and that when the law finally catches up to him in California he vanishes over the border into Nevada, only to later pop up in Coeur d’Alene hitting one last Albertsons on his way to freedom in the icy reaches of British Columbia, where he’ll live out his days alongside Tupac, Lyndon B. Johnson, and the polar bears from the Coke commercials.
Hank, if you’re reading this, good luck. We’re all pulling for you.
