I’m on hold with the United States Postal Service right now.
This blog post isn’t a complaint.
The call is the complaint (since moving a few weeks ago, and dutifully submitting the Change of Address forms for all residents and the LLC that runs this blog twelve days before that, we still haven’t gotten any forwarded mail, but we understand things are hectic right now and really just want assurance that we’ll eventually get all the mail/advice about how to navigate any bills we miss, but that being said the local guy who followed up the last time I called was the opposite of helpful so I’m a little pissed, but anyway I’m not here to talk about this issue I’m here to talk about hold music so let’s get back to that).
This blog post is actually some praise-ish.
The United States Postal Service has as good of hold music as you could ask, short of an organization having Day & Age by The Killers queued up and ready to rock, with Hot Fuss on deck if the call goes longer than forty minutes and forty-nine seconds (at the point of proofreading this, we’d be hitting the second verse of All These Things That I’ve Done, or the third verse if you say the second verse starts at the “I want to stand up” part when the tempo kicks). It’s nothing elaborate, but it’s not unpleasant, which, again, is about the best that can be done in the hold music genre. The sequence is made up of five vignettes, altogether lasting somewhere around two minutes and thirty seconds (I’ve been on hold for approximately nine full cycles at this point in the rough draft). Unfortunately, I didn’t catch which song started the rotation, but one feels like the beginning, so we’ll start with that one:
Movement I – Dawn
A building, anticipatory piece featuring a harp behind something more songful—I can’t place what it is, which makes me guess it’s a synthesizer, but the sound quality here isn’t exactly that of vinyl, so we’ll likely never know for sure. Regardless of what exactly is making the sound, the melody sings of the peace and longevity of a sunrise. Get comfortable. You’re gonna be here a while.
Movement II – Morning
In what’s personally proven to be the most pleasing thirty seconds of the pentalogy, what could be a string quartet takes the listener on a walk through a Georgian or Victorian estate in the English countryside. Which is fitting, because I don’t think they had great plumbing or deodorant in the Victorian era. Beauty! But also, diseases and stench.
Movement III – Siesta
An altogether enjoyable dance follows from what sounds like a guitarist, possibly from Spain, exploring his or her own instrument lightly and nimbly (but not playing staccato). Rest. There will be a time for your energy. And that time could still be an hour out because our call centers are understaffed and overwhelmed.
Movement IV – Lament
The fourth movement mourns. What it mourns is unclear, but I’d guess it’s maybe an oboe and a flute doing the mourning? Really hits home (I think I’m on my seventeenth cycle through the music now). This might be a smart move by USPS—I’m guessing depressed customers are easier for customer service to deal with than enraged ones. Just go ahead and cry. You’re allowed to cry.
Movement V – Elevator Music
The last bit is straight elevator music, unless I don’t know what elevator music is. Not fun. Yeah, we don’t like it either, but the elevator music industry is big in California, and they primary on Super Tuesday.
