I mentioned this before on this site, but very few of you clicked on it, so guess I have to rehash it here.
I am the basketball coach at UC-Riverside.
No, I’m not the real basketball coach at UC-Riverside. This concerns a simulation, and unlike the Virtual NIT, this simulation is interactive.
Heat Check CBB is a college basketball website run by Eli Boettger. I can’t say I’m too familiar with it, but judging by what I’ve seen, it’s a strong compliment to The Barking Crow’s coverage of the sport, focusing on the parts of the game that surround the NIT while leaving the NIT to us. Heat Check CBB’s been busy this offseason, collecting some of the stronger independent college hoops journalists/bloggers from around The Internet™ while also unveiling the #HeatCheckSim, a 352-team college basketball simulation in which each team has a coach, and each coach makes decisions three times a week that impact his or her team’s results. There’s recruiting. There are press conferences. Most importantly, there’s an NIT. An NIT that I want to win.
The decisions are made by way of google form and seem to be fed into a massive spreadsheet on Boettger’s computer, where they combine with degrees of randomness to produce results. The operation is impressive. Here’s a link to the instruction manual. Here’s a link to the google sheet with all the scores, schedules, rosters, etc. Here’s a picture that I assume is a picture of Eli Boettger because it’s his Twitter avatar: (disclosure: I don’t know Boettger, but I think I’ve tweeted at him about the NIT a few times. It’s possible he knows who I am, or possible he doesn’t, or possible he’s vaguely aware of my presence, remembering now and then that there is a man prowling Twitter looking to bring glory back to the NIT. Anyway, here’s his picture. Look at this simulation-creating independent journalist. Appreciate him.)
I signed up to coach because I wanted to pirate content. I signed up to coach UC-Riverside because my favorite baseball player went there. I signed up to blog about it because, again, content.
My coaching philosophy is simple. We’re not here to make friends. We’re not here to make enemies. We’re here to bring NIT titles to UC-Riverside, to put the Highlanders on the high land, and to bring glory to Joe Kelly.
Got it?
Ok, cool.
This past week was the preseason. Here’s what went down:
Offseason Budget
Last Sunday night, I received an email with a link to a google form. Here’s what awaited me:
Now, I want to be clear. I’ve read most of the instruction manual. I think. I’ve checked a few of the tweets from the Heat Check account offering explanations. I have a decent idea of how this works. But there’s a lot of uncertainty, and I’m not asking questions. At UC-Riverside, if you don’t know the answer to something, you figure it out, preferably in a risky manner.
Here’s how I built the budget:
Program Integrity: I don’t know how long this simulation will go on. It’s capable of being run for multiple seasons, but the current season is going to go well into July. What this means is that it’s possible I’ll have a lot of seasons in which to build an NIT dynasty, but time is of the essence. Since I don’t know how long the effects of being a dirty program last as far as postseason bans go, and I didn’t know at the time I filled this out whether any bans were coming for the first season (I kind of thought they’d only come for the next season, after the impact was felt on recruiting, but I later learned that was wrong), and I also don’t know how the ban probabilities break down, I was leaning towards being a dirty program. Then, I remembered the words of a certain 130-pound, five-foot-six-inch platoon outfielder on my high school baseball team who smoked pot in his buddy’s car every night, had a little bit of a nasal voice, and was the most happy-go-lucky/laid-back person in the area code: “I ain’t no bitch.” And while I understand the use of that word is misogynist, I also knew I couldn’t let myself go soft and hedge. Dirty program all the way.
Roster Priorities: I assumed that my team was very bad. In the simulation’s six-tier prestige system, UCR’s in the lowest-prestige tier. In real life, UCR wasn’t a contender this year in the Big West. Forget about developing the players I have. I need better players.
Recruiting Priorities: Now we get a little more strategic. My guess is that a lot of my opposition is trying to play the conventional real-life way, by getting the young talent necessary to build their program. For me? Again, there’s a sense of urgency. Also feel like there might be an inefficiency where energy spent on the transfer market yields a larger reward. While it might lessen the benefit of breaking all the recruiting rules I can find, I’m going for transfers.
Nonconference Scheduling Priorities: I know a strong schedule could help with seeding, but realistically, I’m in the Big West. The only way I’m getting into the NIT is via an automatic bid, and I doubt my team’s good enough to beat anybody good. Let me rack up as many wins as I can (possibly not many) against bad competition, keep morale high, and maybe trick recruits into thinking this is a good program.
Pace: Depending how the game simulator is built within the overall simulation, there might be an advantage to minimizing the number of possessions in a game. If there is, it likely maximizes randomness, enabling me to pull off big upsets once I’m in the NIT. If there isn’t, well, hopefully I can get some scores in the 30’s.
One final question awaited me.
I know there’s a #HeatCheckSim Discord chat out there, but I’m not positive how Discord works, and all the links I’ve found are too expired, so I haven’t made any friends yet whom I can play in an exhibition game. So, luck of the draw is fine. UC-Riverside isn’t here to make friends anyway.
Media Day
Having flawlessly executed the Offseason Budget portion of the preseason, it was on the Media Day. Tuesday night, the email came.
Well, would you look at that.
Obviously, I was not expecting this, and now wish I’d maybe put a little bit of emphasis on player development. No matter, though. I trust my guys. And I have a vague notion that winning maybe helps confidence.
Now, one wrinkle to this that’s especially nuanced is that coaches’ answers in press conferences evidently impact team morale, which impacts player development. That, or that’s not true and I got the wrong idea somewhere. But in case it is, I have to answer questions carefully. Here’s how I answered those from the hordes of reporters at the Big West’s Media Day trying to get a read on the conference favorite:
Thankfully, Boettger just wrote “the tournament,” which allowed me to keep the focus where it belongs: the tournament. More specifically, the NIT. I believe in my guys.
Now we’re talking NIT Championship? Whoa. The hype is real. Well, this is a long haul. That number one conference ranking doesn’t win us a single NIT game (though it makes me feel better about our chances). Eyes on the prize, though.
I mean, we deserve this ranking. I can tell you that much. Not surprised by it. Ready to win some real games.
All about the on-court action. Focused on this year. Recruiting can wait (says the sim coach whose recruiting crimes will one day make sim Will Wade blush).
These guys are the best (I don’t know a single one of my players’ names).
So, every team in this simulation plays in a nonconference tournament. Here’s where our team’s playing:
I mean, Loyola made a good NIT run a while back, right? Or am I conflating them with Valpo in 2016? Either way, Scottie Pippen went to Central Arkansas. Elite. Teams. (Update: I was conflating Loyola with Valpo in 2016).
This was the end of the questioning. Not as confident as I was about the Offseason Budget, but hey—I’m a budgeter, not a PR guy (I don’t have a budget I just try to keep fritos on the table and assume I’m doing well enough financially).
Exhibition Season
Finally, Thursday night, the last email of the week came through. And boy, did it have some big news.
Man. Looks like the dirty program risk takes effect immediately. Dodged a bullet there. Ready to try it again next year. Unless I get the best roster ever somehow. Also, is Bakersfield in the Big West? No? Oh. Well. I will not dismiss them with a cuss, then.
Hmm. Not a great result, though on the bright side, one team was in the 40’s, which is always a goal. Is Ray Fogle on my team?
No.
But hey, look who is!
It was good to look at my roster, because the next thing I had to do was choose whom to recruit. Let me tell you about my guys (note: these aren’t real players and I think they’re made from a name generator pairing first and last names from real former college basketball players and every team only has eight players I’m not dangerously thin in numbers):
LaBradford McCollum: Veteran leader. Going to miss him next year.
Erik Carl: Assuming he’s going to transfer because his loyalty is low. New publisher and this dude is gone.
Sean Browne: Heart of next year’s team. Up and comer.
Darnell Hooser: Amazing growth over his career into a serviceable Big West point guard. Will miss him too.
Travis Weatherspoon: The future.
Richard McKinley: Probably transferring too, at least in my head.
Dionte Ogg: Bad. Might get better, though.
C.J. Smith: Terrible. Hope he transfers but guessing he won’t.
Overall, looks like I’m going to have one bad point guard next year, two strong forwards, and a serviceable big man. Plus maybe two guys who could conceivably decide not to transfer. Recruiting philosophy? Look for high school talent at guard, and try to get a big man transfer down the line.
Now, the recruits. This screengrab below isn’t the whole list of those available to me to offer, but it does start with the best options, which I think are regionally and prestige-ally grouped (hence no five-stars coming to UCR…yet). Sadly, Aaron Swoosh with the cool name and the Hawaiian vibe and the three stars is a forward too, and while I don’t think it’d hurt to have another good one, I need to focus on guards. UCR’s a disciplined program. Or something like that.
In the end, I made four offers. To the best guards available (offered Robinson instead of Kramer because I just don’t trust Smith to run the point full-time).
***
That’s the first week. You’re now hooked. Welcome to UC-Riversim, Highlander Nation. Let’s go win ourselves a Collegiate Hoops Roadshow.
