Well, Turkmenistan’s trying to close Hell again. From the BBC:
Turkmenistan’s president has ordered the extinguishing of the country’s “Gateway to Hell”, a fire that has been burning for decades in a huge desert gas crater.
For those unfamiliar with the Gateway to Hell, it’s what it sounds like it is: a giant flaming hole in the ground which started flaming during the rule of the Soviet Union. Really. That’s it. Classic definition of Hell. Here are pictures:
In case you’re worried about Hell being closed, Turkmenistan has tried this before. President Berdymukhamedov (first name Gurbanguly, alternative spelling of last name Berdimuhamedow) made this same order in 2010. It, uh, seems to not have worked. Personally, I’m skeptical it’ll work this time. The financial interests of Hell’s supporters are too strong. Without Hell, how would we have politics? How would we have Instagram? How would we have postseason college basketball tournaments that claim to supersede the NIT? I mean, shit, even a bunch of churches would go under if we were to permanently extinguish Hell. There’s simply too much money in the Hell business, and nobody wants to be the guy in charge of finding new jobs for demons should the gates close. There are only so many AT&T customer support gigs.
So, yeah, good luck, Turkmenistan. My money’s on Satan.
