One fun little thing about Austin’s airport is that you can walk to the terminal from remote parking. Austin-Bergstrom wants to be a big enough airport to have remote parking, and it’s trying its best, but the parking is not remote. Slightly-less-convenient parking would be a better name for those lots, where even from the furthest corner one can reach the terminal with fifteen minutes and a little bit of hustle. There’s even a nice sculpture on the way designed to resemble bald cypress roots. And you get to ride an outdoor escalator! Unless it’s below 32 degrees. Three days of the year, you cannot ride the outdoor escalator.
What this means in my life is that I get patted down a lot by security when I’m leaving Texas. The shuttle service takes too long, I don’t like feeling obligated to tip the driver if they manage to snatch my suitcase before I can rack it myself, and I like a good walk. I get a few more podcast minutes in my ears with a good walk. Unfortunately: I sweat a lot. So on the walk? Especially in the summer, I show up to security with a wet enough graphic tee to set off those body scanners everyone used to be afraid would show TSA your secret spots.
This is the piece I feel bad about (not the secret spots—that’s weird, but John Locke says we all signed up for it). The sweat. Most times I fly, some poor veteran working the security line has to put on the rubber gloves and pat down my swampy back. And occasionally butt. And this is why I’m bringing all this up:
If the TSA scanners pick up butt sweat, do you think there are any pervs out there who get their butts wet before going through security so the agents have to pat them down? I say we set up a second security because of this. To catch those deviants.
