1. Talking About Another Man’s Weight
Note: I have a BMI of 31.0. Definitionally, this makes me obese. We’re keeping it in-house, folks. This is between slightly overweight people only. If you’re one of those sub-30 holdovers from heroin chic, you keep your damn mouth shut and get back to eating crackers made of cauliflower.
A few weeks ago, we asked if Luka Dončić is soft. During that discussion, we explored the suggestion that Luka should steer into being the husky guy. Being a little tubby. Being a chonky king. Being a roly poly rock star. Having a dad bod early in life. Eatin’ lots of frozen pizza. Making bulking season a year-round affair. Having a belly. Keeping his shirt on at the pool. Saying “don’t mind if I do!” every time someone brings donuts into the office. Identifying with Andy Reid. Talking about water weight. Waggling his fingers at girl scout cookies. Chowin’. Being mama’s little chub-chub. Running a little bit fat.
Ultimately, we landed in an agnostic place that day. We weren’t sure if Dončić should or shouldn’t add “plump” to his Instagram bio. Last night, though, left no questions.
The problem with Luka Dončić being only a little fat and not fat is that this morning, we aren’t able to sit down and lay out the following string of facts:
- In January, Luka asked security to eject a fan immediately after the fan yelled, “Luka, you’re tired! Get your ass on the treadmill.”
- Last night, with the Mavericks looking to secure a 3–1 lead in the Western Conference Semifinals, Luka missed what would have been a game-tying free throw. He left it a tiny bit short.
I don’t know about you, but when I was a freshman in high school, my basketball coach* told us we needed to run more so we’d be used to shooting free throws when our legs were tired. I have heeded his advice ever since. I am a little overweight, and I’m probably terrible at free throws, but every now and then, I still go for a run. Just in case I encounter an end-of-game situation during my day-to-day life.
Luka Dončić? Maybe he needed that high school basketball experience, instead of going pro at the age of 16. Maybe he needed someone to teach him the value of endurance. Because last night, with the Mavericks looking to secure a 3–1 lead in the Western Conference Semifinals, the man missed what would have been a game-tying free throw. He left it a tiny bit short. His legs simply weren’t up to it.
Luka, come home. It’s ok to be a big guy.
*This was the varsity coach talking to the freshman team. The freshman coach never pressured us to be in shape. He was a laid-back dude. Lot of rumors about him coming to school high. He didn’t dispel those rumors the first day of my junior year, when he stood in front of my history class in a stained Jamestown t-shirt, lost his train of thought, giggled, and said, “Fuck.”
2. Updating the NBA Respect Rankings
In extremely related news, we should probably update the NBA Respect Rankings. A lot has changed these last sixteen days.
The remaining eight teams, from least respectable to most (previous ranking in parentheses):
- 8 (5). Cleveland: So this isn’t fair, but I don’t believe in injuries? I’m selective with this, of course. If they use that soleus word they used with Giannis and Porziņģis, I will believe Donovan Mitchell is hurt. Until then, even though I have nothing against Donovan Mitchell, I will not believe he’s hurt.
- 7 (4). Boston: I understand that they aren’t exactly being challenged. I know they should roll through the Eastern Conference. But why aren’t they doing it? I never say, “Wow, the Celtics are good,” when the Celtics win. It’s always, “Wow, the Eastern Conference has nobody.” And half the time, the Celtics trail in the second half. I don’t understand.
- 6 (6). Indiana: No movement here. The Pacers are who they are. I do think respect for them has grown, but it mostly happened because of Obi Toppin dunks. That and T.J. McConnell making dads get on their knees and start barking and thumping their chests like cartoon men at a strip club.
- 5 (7). Dallas: I know. The Mavs have climbed in my eyes. Even without Luka Dončić demanding broadcasters refer to him by his alternate name, “Plus Size.” What changed, given that didn’t? Well, we didn’t know if they’d beat the Clippers when we last ranked respect. We now know that they did. Also, I may or may not have been informed that Luka Dončić continues to get better at basketball as he grows up. Makes a lot of sense when you think about it. I still had 2021’s Luka Dončić in my head when I thought of today’s Luka Dončić.
- 4 (8). Minnesota: Big come-up for the T-Wolves. Congratulations to them. I still don’t respect the overall Minnesota sports fan ecosystem, but I managed to talk myself into Wolves fans being the best plane of that cube during the four days it appeared Minnesota might make the Finals. How did I do it? Well, I thought of the CC Club. I thought of two guys who both look like they play bass in a funk band walking over there on a Tuesday night in February and talking about how frustrating Karl-Anthony Towns is. They’ve been doing that for almost ten years now. They deserve good things.
- 3 (1). Denver: Ok so here’s the deal with the Nuggets. I don’t know how much I respect Jamal Murray. The heat pack thing was weird, but his response to it was weirder. Asking if reporters have any basketball questions when they’re asking about your temper tantrum? Made me reevaluate some things (again, this was convenient at the time). Anyway, still a lot of respect for the Nuggets, but they slipped. They need to win me back.
- 2 (3). Oklahoma City: In college, a group of guys a couple years younger than me cleared out a room in their quad, bought a wading pool the dimensions of said room, inflated said wading pool, and had a pool party on the third floor of a 90-year-old building. Disaster for the building. Cannot imagine the fines they had to pay. This wasn’t out of character for these dudes, though, and that made them endearing. That’s how I feel about the Thunder. There is no chance I could keep up. But I’m happy they’re having fun.
- 1 (2). New York: Thibs.
3. NEW: Who’s Shitting Their Pants?
It’s pants-shitting season, and I don’t mean that literally. I hope not, anyway. Although…
What I mean by pants-shitting season is that it’s time for teams in the playoffs to realize they’re in disastrous terrain and react accordingly: with fear. This last piece is important. This is fear-based pants-shitting. Anticipatory pants-shitting. Sometimes we say a team shit its pants because it blew a lead, but that’s not what this is. This is teams realizing they should be scared.
Here’s who’s shitting what in each NHL and NBA series:
- Rangers vs. Hurricanes: The Rangers. This is the obvious one. The Rangers took a 3–0 lead, they’ve already lost twice since, and now they go to Carolina for Game 6. They’re going to be underdogs if there’s a Game 7. The Rangers are mortified. The Rangers are shitting their pants.
- Stars vs. Avalanche: Nobody. The Avalanche won the Stanley Cup two years ago. They made it past the first round this year. It would’ve been funny if the Stars kept blowing leads after blowing that big one in Game 1, but the Avs are fine. This won’t shake them up too much. Clean undies over here.
- Panthers vs. Bruins: Bruins. Not because they’re at risk of underachieving, but because if the Panthers get a good-sized lead tonight this is going to turn into Matthew Tkachuk’s personal fight club.
- Canucks vs. Oilers: Nobody yet? I don’t think the Oilers get scared until they drop a third game. I know they should be scared, but I don’t think they are.
- Thunder vs. Mavericks: Nobody. The Thunder are young (and coming off a big win), and the Mavericks made it a whole season without a new entry on the “Conspiracy Theories” section of Kyrie Irving’s Wikipedia page. Maybe he really has been spending all his free time at the JFK Assassination Museum. Maybe Dallas is perfect for this man. Whatever the cause, Dallas has already won a championship far more impressive than the NBA Finals.
- Celtics vs. Cavaliers: Nobody. Complacency abounds.
- Pacers vs. Knicks: Pacers. I know, I know, I know. But the refs are too far in the Pacers’ heads for them to walk into Madison Square Garden tonight, see Scott Foster, and react calmly.
- Timberwolves vs. Nuggets: T-Wolves, of course. Also Rudy Gobert’s newborn child, but that one’s literal. No shame in shitting your pants, kid. Sometimes, it’s what you gotta do.
