The Wienermobile came to our hometown this weekend. My dad went to see it. I don’t know why my mom didn’t go. Kind of disappointed in her, to be honest. I saw the Wienermobile incidentally here in Austin one time and that thrill sustained me for, well, it’s evidently been nearly eleven months now. Sure glad my dad got to see it. It’s a sight, you know? You see pictures but you never think of how you could see it one day in person. It’s like seeing a celebrity in the flesh except a million times better because it’s trying to sell you hot dogs and not the idea that it has a grasp on exactly what the world’s biggest problems are solely because of its good cheekbones (great cheekbones on the Wienermobile, to be clear). It’s like it steps out of a world in your mind and pops into the physical world, there before you, and just…that’s moving. I’m trying really hard to not make a joke about John the Baptist here. Let’s move on to the thoughts. Here’s the article about the visit from the local paper.
I Will Never Have a Homecoming Like Brandon Mazzaferro’s
This could be a bad thing. I could look at this and say, “Man, I’ll never accomplish anything as cool as bringing the Wienermobile to the Mariano’s on Route 14.” But I think it helps me. My homecoming was never gonna be that cool. Now, though, maybe someone will say, “Wow, acclaimed NIT blogger NIT Stu is coming to speak at Country Donuts, uninvited and unprompted and only there until the cops show up, which they probably will pretty fast since, you know, donut shop. I guess it’s kind of like when Oscar Mayer had that guy bring the Wienermobile to the Mariano’s on Route 14.” And then maybe I’d get a bigger audience and I could escape through the crowd when the cops showed up. The second guy to paint a painting might not have been as good as the first, but the world probably understood way better what it was he was trying to do.
Credit to South, It’s a Wienermobile School
I think it’s most fitting that the Wienermobile driver went to South. I would have loved for him to go to Central, but Central only has a sliver of potential Wienermobile drivers in its population. South has that segment but it’s wider. I can think of plenty of friends who went to South who I could see driving the Wienermobile if they achieved Nirvana. More of my Central friends would just get a job in Silicon Valley or figure out a way to fully pay attention to two Big Ten football games at once.
Mostly, I’m just really, really glad this guy isn’t a Prairie Ridge grad, because it would have shaken me to my core. It’s like showing up to Heaven and seeing the worst guy you know at the gates. Shit. Maybe that’s what Heaven’s like. And then you love him? Ugh. Heaven might suck. I really need to start turning the other cheek more. Anyway, yeah, relieved beyond belief this isn’t a Prairie Ridge dude. Prairie Ridge people don’t eat wieners (since that isn’t a pejorative anymore). They don’t drive Wienermobiles. They drive Escargotmobiles and they run over every non-purebred dog they see when they’re on the road.
Well done, South. You’re doing your job down there by the sewage plant. Respect.
I Wonder What the Wienermobile’s Speaker System’s Like
There are three good answers to this. The first is that it only plays Oscar Mayer jingles, and if it does, I’m even more proud to be from Brandon Mazzaferro’s hometown than I was a minute ago. The second is that it’s got a sweet speaker system with bangin’ subwoofers. Like surround sound, but on the road, and surrounding everybody else too. The third is that it has no speakers and that it is always perfectly silent in the Wiener. I like this the best. Just think of traversing the country in the Wienermobile, alone but for your own thoughts. If you aren’t at Nirvana yet, you’re gonna get there.
We Won the Biden/Wienermobile Trade
After that bastard Joe Biden disrespected Crystal Lake by not eating its ice cream back in July, we needed this win, and what a win it is. Would you rather see the Wienermobile at a grocery store or the sitting president at an ice cream shop? Obviously the former. And on that topic, I think it’d be more fun if a former president was at the ice cream shop. Less divisive, less on your mind. If I bumped into JFK at an ice cream shop, I’d have a good laugh. Even Nixon, really. Would lose my shit if I saw William McKinley grabbing a dipped cone.
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Man thank God he didn’t go to PR.
