It’s tough finding all the Max Scherzer cannibalism jokes I’ve made on Twitter over the years because very few of them include the word “Scherzer.” It’s possible this will save my life one day.
Are there more? It’s hard to say. I tried “blood,” I tried “Scherzer,” I found the Most Dangerous Game one. Which others are there? We may never know.
One that definitely does exist is this next one, and today, it feels prescient.
I mean, I’m not saying Max Scherzer kills people and eats people. I’m definitely not saying that, and if I was saying that, it’d have to be covered by parody law, right? How would I have any legitimate claim that Max Scherzer spends his winters overseas paying lavish sums to overconfident international playboys in exchange for the right to contest them in a battle for survival atop a volcano, a set of battles in which he annually goes undefeated? It’s all speculation. It’s all things I’ve seen on Twitter. Did I put the things on Twitter? Of course. But that doesn’t change that it’s just some Twitter guy’s ramblings.
Max Scherzer was ejected today either for having sticky stuff on his glove. Or for not being polite when discussing the sticky stuff on his glove. Hard to tell exactly what happened without going and looking it up. It looked like this:
The thing is this: For Max Scherzer, the sticky-stuff rules are more of an imposition than they are for other players. Other players just have to stop cheating. Max Scherzer? He has to stop eating. It’s like Ramadan for him now every time he takes the mound. Don’t get any of that human blood on your glove, Max! You might get ejected, and you’ll be in a country that will definitely prosecute you if you respond to the ejection by ripping off the umpire’s head and devouring it in a spectacle that, while disturbing, dramatically raises baseball’s ratings for the rest of the decade.
So, yeah. I have a problem with the sticky-stuff rules and their enforcement. Not because I think baseball should just let its rules go unenforced, like they used to, but because I believe in a world free from dietary restrictions. At least for people like Max Scherzer, of whom I am terrified.
