The Real Danger of TikTok

Some of you will remember that we went on TikTok this winter. We had some fun. We made a video about the Mississippi River that a lot of people watched. We made videos about other things that not very many people watched. People on TikTok only like to watch videos about the Mississippi River. The Mississippi River is the only relevant topic on TikTok. If you want people to watch your videos on TikTok, they better be about the Mississippi River. Otherwise you are wasting your time.

Anyway, when Fargo arrived, we got off TikTok for a bit, kind of unintentionally. Just too much going on. But TikTok has not let us go.

Over the last four days, TikTok has sent me the following push notifications:

With Absolutely not. (sic)

This definitely will make someone smile *big-eyed-face emoji*

How to make a cute cucumber stool *cucumber emoji*

Doing a quick and easy pony tail *glittery little stars emoji*

This chip on a stick is delicious *smiley face emoji* *winky face emoji*

Trying a new layered hair style *glittery little stars emoji* *100 emoji*

Checking out these cute plastic animals *green heart emoji*

This cat didnt (sic) know he was a cat *grimace emoji*

How to make loaded ricotta toast! *sandwich emoji*

Only 30 Seconds to glam up *green heart emoji* *blue heart emoji*

How to clean your teeth with an apple *100 emoji*

Thats (sic) really a lot of fish *pufferfish emoji*

Cheesecake and caramel stuffed monkey bread *blushing emoji*

Cream cheese covered dry rub seasoning *drool emoji*

How to do an amazing hairstyle *fire emoji* *smiley wearing sunglasses emoji*

Fifteen push notifications. Only one or two relevant to me. I have never cooked. I’m not into plastic animals. I don’t care to create cucumber poop. I love apostrophes. I have certainly never glammed up. TikTok is lost. It’s trying to get me back. Or…is it?

You see, something about these notifications is that a disproportionate number have come in while I’ve been driving. Which makes me think.

You know that concern about TikTok stealing everyone’s data and…I don’t know, telling the Chinese government that I googled “Joe Kelly hamstring” four hundred times last week, or that I gave an unnecessary-but-I-felt-pressured tip to the server at a beer garden back in April even though we were ordering remotely and filling our own water at the jug, or that I have texted an old coworker a picture of a man riding a shark underwater four or five times each unprompted over the last four years and it perturbed him?

I think the concern was misplaced.

I don’t think TikTok is stealing our data.

I think TikTok is trying to run us off the road.