The Professional Sports Teams Most Closely Related to Crows

There is no team named the Crows in the “Big Four” professional sports leagues in America.

This is…a miss. By society.

Thankfully, the NBA and MLB look set to expand in the next decade or two, so we should get Crows from one of those, and if not, I’ll just have to make enough money to buy the Lions and make a bunch of Michiganders very upset.

But while we lack crows, we do not lack relatives of crows. Here are the 124 Big Four teams, roughly in order of how closely they are related to crows:

1. Same Genus: Baltimore Ravens

Ravens and crows are not the same. But we are close. Both in the Corvus genus. Genus buddies.

2. Same Family: Toronto Blue Jays

Our good friends Vladimir Guerrero Jr. and Hyun Jin Ryu are actually our close family. Corvidae. All of us.

2.5 – Parallel Beings: Orlando Magic, Philadelphia Flyers

Not exactly on the same track, but given that crows are magic and that an encompassment of all flying things would include crows, these teams are kind of named the crows.

3. Same Order: St. Louis Cardinals, Baltimore Orioles, Arizona Cardinals

Passerines, stand up! Or perch, as you would.

4. Same Class: Atlanta Hawks, New Orleans Pelicans, Philadelphia Eagles, Atlanta Falcons, Seattle Seahawks, Pittsburgh Penguins, Anaheim Ducks

Aves, birds…whatever you want to call us.

4.5 – Convergent Evolution: Charlotte Hornets, Houston Rockets, Winnipeg Jets, Columbus Blue Jackets, New York Jets

Though we may not share DNA, we all have wings.

5. Ancestor: Toronto Raptors

You bet your tailfeather we’re claiming dinosaurs as our relatives.

6. Same Phylum: Miami Marlins, San Jose Sharks, Tampa Bay Rays*, Philadelphia 76ers, Cleveland Cavaliers, Boston Celtics, Sacramento Kings, Los Angeles Lakers, Dallas Mavericks, Portland Trail Blazers, Golden State Warriors, Washington Wizards, Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings, New England Patriots, Buffalo Bills, New York Giants*, Washington Football Team, Dallas Cowboys, Tennessee Titans*, Houston Texas, New Orleans Saints, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, San Francisco 49ers, Cleveland Browns, Pittsburgh Steelers, Kansas City Chiefs, Oakland Raiders, Los Angeles Chargers*, Seattle Mariners, Houston Astros, Oakland Athletics, Texas Rangers, Anaheim Angels*, Cleveland Guardians, Kansas City Royals, Minnesota Twins*, New York Yankees, New York Mets, Philadelphia Phillies, Atlanta Braves, Milwaukee Brewers, Pittsburgh Pirates, San Francisco Giants*, Los Angeles Dodgers, San Diego Padres, Chicago Blackhawks, New York Islanders, New York Rangers, New Jersey Devils*, Vegas Golden Knights, Los Angeles Kings, Edmonton Oilers, Montreal Canadiens, Ottawa Senators, Vancouver Canucks, Milwaukee Bucks, Chicago Bulls, Memphis Grizzlies, Minnesota Timberwolves, Chicago Bears, Detroit Lions, Miami Dolphins, Jacksonville Jaguars, Indianapolis Colts, Carolina Panthers, Los Angeles Rams, Cincinnati Bengals, Denver Broncos, Detroit Tigers, Chicago Cubs, Carolina Panthers, Boston Bruins, Arizona Coyotes, Arizona Diamondbacks, Nashville Predators*

Woof. Ok. Some of you actually say that. This is our buddies in phylum cordata. A few notes: The Chargers were evidently named after people who yell, Charge! after the little trumpet noise. The Athletics were members of the Philadelphia Athletic Club. There are some other un-asterisked teams named after people (Bills, Browns, maybe a few others). We counted Giants as large humans, Titans as humans because they had some human offspring, (Am I remembering that right?) Angels and Devils as former humans, Twins as humans rather than cities, and Rays as manta rays rather than rays of sunshine because rays of sunshine is dumb and they still have manta rays in some of their uniforms. Also we’re assuming most predators are of phylum cordata but we’re willing to discuss that one.

7. Things You Can Touch: Los Angeles Clippers, New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets, Denver Nuggets, Indiana Pacers, Detroit Pistons, San Antonio Spurs, Chicago White Sox, Boston Red Sox, Cincinnati Reds, Colorado Rockies, Detroit Red Wings, Washington Capitals, Buffalo Sabres, Toronto Maple Leafs, Calgary Flames

Much like crows, you can touch these as long as you ask sincerely and politely.

7.5 – ?????: Washington Nationals

This might be an Athletics situation, but we really don’t know.

8. Things You Can’t Touch: Miami Heat, Utah Jazz, Phoenix Suns, Oklahoma City Thunder, Carolina Hurricanes, Tampa Bay Lightning, Dallas Stars, Colorado Avalanche, Minnesota Wild, St. Louis Blues

I mean you can touch the wild but it’s more of a concept, right?

9. Mythical Beings: Seattle Kraken

I guess we could have put Titans in here.

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