It’s Thanksgiving. It’s argue-about-the-eye-test season. Which means it’s time for some pie.
Here’s how the College Football Playoff contenders stack up when compared using the even-more-infallible-than-the-eye-test Pie Test:
Oregon: A Black Bottom Pie Face Down on the Floor
This was exciting. It was exotic. You had it a while ago and you liked it. But your grandma slipped when carrying it from the counter to the table, then caught herself and looked like she’d make it, but then she really wiped out just feet away. Everyone’s worried about her, as they should be, but next to her that pie is done.
Wisconsin: Cheesecake
It’s unclear if this is a pie, but if it gets to be considered, it’s got good reasons for us to support it. Of course, there will be haters. There are always haters.
Minnesota: Apple Pie Except It’s Not Real Pie It’s a Red Bull/Apple Vodka PJ Fleck Brought
You didn’t know PJ Fleck was your cousin, but nothing else about this is surprising.
Baylor: A Pecan Pie that Might be Roofied
A lot of your family likes your Uncle Baylor, because he’s friends with Chip and Joanna Gaines and that’s good enough for them. Plus, that Pecan Pie looks heavenly.
You, though, remember how Uncle Baylor’s still got some concerning aspects about his past, and last year he arrived early to steal the newspaper off your grandma’s porch. When you got home, you realized that newspaper had another mugshot of his inside.
Alabama: I Mean, this Pecan Pie is Actually Really Good
You don’t want to admit it. You don’t know if it should matter. But wow, this thing is really good. And it’s also not roofied, even if people do like to speculate Uncle Nick got his wealth through illicit means.
Oklahoma: How the Hell Does Your Aunt Keep Forgetting the Crust on This Thing?
It’s more a cherry casserole than anything else. It’s still good. But it’s got a very noticeable flaw. It lost something it really should not have lost. That being its crust.
Utah: Lemon Honey Pie
You’ve never heard of this before. You’re not sure it’s even a recipe or if it’s something your cousin just made up. You’re going to say you like it even if you don’t, because you really don’t want to admit how good that Pecan Pie is, and you think there should be some points for originality.
Georgia: Just a Bunch of Crust
It’s a good crust, to be fair. But goodness, how is this even being considered a pie? I mean, sure, it’s impressive to make a crust this good. The rest of it, though? Nonexistent. Left it in South Carolina, your Aunt Kirby says.
Clemson: Your Folksy Uncle Says His Truck-Sized Pumpkins Are the Product of Prayer. Anyway, Good Pumpkin Pie.
Did he even really need pumpkins that big? Why not just grow normal pumpkins, instead of putting all those chemicals in the soil?
LSU: Jambalaya Étoufée Pie
Do these things go together? You aren’t sure. Is this even a pie? Unclear. It’s definitely good, right? It’s kind of hard to say. Your mouth is on fire. You can’t taste anything.
You’re going to say this is the best, though, because you really love your Grandpa Ed. He’s so excited, too. How can you not love this pie?
Ohio State: A Great Apple Pie
Well yeah, I guess this is great. Let’s talk more about what Grandpa Ed made, though.
