It’s Thanksgiving, and the College Football Playoff is approaching, which means it’s time for The Pie Test.
The Pie Test, if you’re unfamiliar, is like the eye test, in that it’s a rhetorical ace in the hole used to wipe out any real information that contradicts your already-decided-upon opinion. Unlike the eye test, it’s also fun.
Now, because Thanksgiving’s more distant this year, let’s pretend your relatives mailed you fourteen pies. Here are the fourteen:
1. Alabama: Pecan Pie
Oh man. This is from your uncle and aunt who live on that old plantation overlooking the Tennessee River. They’re the worst. Real proper and self-satisfied and all that. But hey, they’re also impressive. Uncle Denny made a killing litigating rich folks’ kids out of DUI charges. Dude must be smart. It’s a really good pecan pie. They accidentally left the price tag on it (actually, that was probably on purpose) and it was expensive, too. Man. They invested in this pie. It shows.
2. Notre Dame: French Silk Pie
Your granddad sent you this one. You used to like it a lot when you’re little. You haven’t liked it as much lately, since it’s usually just a ton of whipped cream, but this time it actually tastes pretty good…but does it? You aren’t sure.
3. Clemson: Pumpkin Pie and…
Oh…yikes. Cousin Brett’s been deep in YouTube. And it shows. There’s just a mini pie and a letter explaining how the “Kung Flu” is a hoax designed by “Libtards” who hate Thanksgiving because they hate America and want to give it back to the [unprintable]. Oh no.
4. Ohio State: Peanut Butter Chocolate Pie
Whoa. This is really good. Mom’s still got it. And she knows it.
5. Texas A&M: Is This a Cake?
You have never seen this before. It seems like it’s a cake, but there’s just straight cane sugar falling out when you bite into it. Aunt Sara sent it, and says in the note it’s something called Jonestown Pie, but the rest of the note’s a little creepy and you’re feeling dizzy, so you’re going to set it aside.
6. Florida: Key Lime Pie
A little weird, but this is fine. Thanks, Grandma.
7. Cincinnati: Chocolate Crème Pie
This is straightforward. Graham cracker crust. Chocolate filling. Covered in whipped cream. The experts might not love it, but you are enjoying it immensely.
8. Northwestern: Buttermilk Pie
Is this from the depression era? Your Aunt Becky sent it—the one who works for NPR. It’s surprisingly good. You’ve never had it before, and it isn’t, like, something you’d order yourself, but it’s good. You like it. You really like it.
9. Georgia: A Box Full of Butter and Sugar Just Pounded Together and Not Cooked
What the…Uncle Kirby. Come on, man.
10. Miami: An Empty Box
Is this from…oh, Tony. Right. Are you related to Tony? Who is Tony, anyway?
11. Oklahoma: Stale Apple Pie
Oh no. Shoot. It’s been a hard year for your sister. She did her best, though.
12. Indiana: Marijuana
How did your brother Mark get this across state lines through the mail?
13. Iowa State: Grain Alcohol Pear Pie
Seems like Ed and Teri were going for the bourbon apple pie spinoff…and, I mean, this is rancid. But you’re going to eat the whole thing tonight and you don’t know why.
14. BYU: Ice Cream Cake
Oh MAN. You love ice cream cake. How did Cousin Jebediah (he makes you call him Cousin Jebediah) know? This is awesome. Dry ice to keep it cold, not too much frosting but a little carmel to it, layer of thick dense pound cake in the middle. Darn. This is great. This is the best thing you’ve tasted all day. Cousin Jebediah, great work, friend. But…oh no. The mailman’s coming back up the steps now. And now he’s picking up the box again. It’s not a pie, he says. NO! MAILMAN! NO!!!!!
Well shoot.
