You may have heard the reports. You may not have heard the reports. You may have simply expected this kind of thing because you’re pretty sure the owners are Rob Manfred’s boss and if anyone is keeping Rob Manfred employed at this point, they probably don’t much like baseball.
Yes, according to SNY’s Andy Martino, (Do I know what SNY means? No.) six owners want to simply cancel the 2020 season. Others are saying the number is eight, or even higher.
Now, we don’t have names yet. But we can speculate. Without further ado, the nine owners who most want to cancel Joe Kelly’s 2020 Season:
Hal Steinbrenner, New York Yankees
Little-known fact: After he beat up Tyler Austin in 2018, Joe Kelly pointed a finger gun in Steinbrenner’s direction. Steinbrenner hasn’t been able to enjoy his own baked mostaccioli recipe since. This one’s personal.
John Henry, Boston Red Sox
John Henry has nothing against Joe Kelly. After all, Kelly won Henry a World Series. Henry just wants Kelly to enter the Hall of Fame with a Boston ‘B’ on his hat. For shame, John. For shame.
Jerry Reinsdorf, Chicago White Sox
This man hates any greatness he can’t take credit for and subsequently tear to shreds.
Bill DeWitt, St. Louis Cardinals
Would you want to be remembered as the organization that traded away the greatest pitcher in baseball history? Bill DeWitt wouldn’t either.
Arte Moreno, Orange County Angels
Google “Joe Kelly Drunk Draft” and you’ll know where Moreno’s regret lies.
Mark Attanasio, Milwaukee Brewers
This guy hates roller coasters. Terrified of them. Joe Kelly’s 102-mph fastball? Yep. Reminds him of a roller coaster. Joe Kelly’s aggressively-bending knuckle curve? Yep. Reminds him of a roller coaster. Joe Kelly’s gravity-defying changeup? You guessed it. Keeps him up at night thinking of roller coasters, terror in his heart.
Larry Dolan, Cleveland Indians
If you don’t think Joe Kelly somehow got a hold of Larry Dolan’s phone number and has tricked him upwards of three dozen times into clicking a link to a video of someone in a Barney costume bodyslamming children in a McDonald’s PlayPlace™, you’re wrong. Now, Dolan will do anything to hit back.
Charlie Monfort, Colorado Rockies
Monfort actually doesn’t know who Joe Kelly is. But he thinks he’s the guy who played Sonny Koufax in Big Daddy, and he was appalled by Koufax’s parenting. Now, upon hearing the man who glorified Koufax to the world might be pitching in his own division, Monfort will stop at nothing to keep Kelly off the mound.
Jim Crane, Houston Astros
Crane doesn’t have a particularly strong opposition to Kelly—our hero’s merely collateral damage in Crane’s quest to limit pitchers to a maximum velocity of 70 miles per hour while preferably using the squishy balls from coach-pitch leagues.
