Last Friday, my beloved sister-in-law, a renowned dietitian and author, looked around the room and said, “So the U.S. is gonna play Iran? Isn’t that…awkward?”
She was right.
It was awkward!
Here are the other awkward matchups from the group stage:
England vs. Wales
Happened at the same damn time.
England’s relationships with its neighbors are fraught. Except for…with Wales? I think? I mean I know there are some Welsh who resent England, but…
With Ireland, the bad blood goes back centuries. With Northern Ireland, the bad blood goes back centuries and is why Northern Ireland exists. With Scotland, the bad blood goes back centuries and segments of the populace are actively trying to leave the United Kingdom. With Wales…you guys awake over there? Feels like the 35-year-old in Mom and Dad’s basement. Guernsey vibes. I love Wales, but Wales needs a mild rebellion.
Qatar vs. Ecuador, Senegal, and the Netherlands
You know that Macaulay Culkin movie where the rich kid pays to have friends? This is like that, except the rich kid is also the bad guy, and is also generally inept. Awkwardness through the roof.
France vs. Tunisia
Nothing like an imperialism throwback.
Brazil vs. Serbia
What would they possibly talk about?
Croatia vs. Morocco
This one might not seem that bad. It might seem fine, even. Until you consider the Strait of Gibraltar.
As I understand this, having spent 45 seconds googling the matter on the heels of four minutes thinking, “Crud, I need another awkward matchup before I get to Germany and Japan,” there are two currents in the Strait of Gibraltar. One sits on top of the other. The undercurrent (if that’s the correct use of that word, which appears to be a word because I ain’t see no squiggly red line) flows from the Mediterranean out into the Atlantic Ocean. Where does that undercurrent pass? Morocco. What does that undercurrent carry? Everything dumped into the Mediterranean from every other country that touches it. What other country touches the Mediterranean? Yes, Albania, but also Croatia. And if I can unfairly but conveniently surmise one thing about Croats, it’s that they take nasty shits. Morocco knows. And Croatia knows Morocco knows.
Germany vs. Japan
What almost was.
