Confession: I’ve been to Hawaii before. I went to the big island and Kauai when I was six years old. So I’m not drawing entirely blind here. I visited Oahu and Maui this week, but I have been to Hawaii before.
Also, we’re only doing the major islands. I’m sorry, but I can’t handle a 137-island list this morning. The spirit is not willing, and the flesh is also week.
That all said…
1. Moloka‘i
The only thing cooler than volcanoes is leopards.
2. Hawai‘i
But man. Volcanoes are so cool.
There’s a lot working in Hawai‘i’s favor. It’s named “the big island.” Its name ended up being the one given to the whole chain. It gets to see the sunrise before anyone else, which definitely helps its #grindset. But the biggest thing the island of Hawai‘i has going for it is that it has active volcanoes. Lava. You can see lava there.
3. Maui
I’m sorry to become this guy, but after three days there, I am officially a Hana guy. I love Hana. I don’t care as much about the road (because the Ke‘anae Peninsula is off the road), but Hana itself is great. A storybook setting. My takeaway from this trip was that it’s good that Hawaii is part of the United States, and that’s because Hana’s baseball field is everything a small-town baseball field should be. The Hana Ball Field is the most American place in America.
I’m also a fan of Paia, for the record. But I hate Mama’s Fish House. I absolutely hate Mama’s Fish House. We should talk about Mama’s Fish House. We aren’t going to talk about Mama’s Fish House.
4. O‘ahu
I know, I know. It’s insensitive to do cannonballs into Pearl Harbor. But this isn’t about that. This is about how Jack Johnson grew up on O‘ahu. If an island produces Jack Johnson, it must be quite an island.
5. Ni‘ihau
Again, yes, you’re right. Kaua‘i is getting a raw deal. But have you read about the Ni‘ihau Incident? Ben Kanahele is a great American.
6. Kaua‘i
I am so sorry. I understand it’s beautiful. I have nothing against it. Had Ben Kanahele lived on Kaua‘i, it would rank higher. I needed to get those first five covered, though. Also? Maybe I was trying to fire Kaua‘i up a little bit. Get it riled. Make it want to prove itself. Maybe I was motivating the 37th-largest island in the Pacific Ocean.
7. Kaho‘olawe
As funny as it is that the United States Navy kept shooting its guns at this island for fun (training) until 1990, of all the years…that doesn’t sound like it would make for a very nice island. I am staying away from an island at which the United States Navy kept shooting its guns until 1990.
8. Lāna‘i
Sorry, Larry Ellison, but the fact that 98% of this island can be purchased makes me think it can’t be that cool. If it was that cool, the price would be too high for even the fourth or fifth-richest man in the world.
