I’m not big into telling people what to do with their wieners. Out of my pocketbook, out of my bedroom, don’t do something with it that lands you in The Biggest Weirdo. But this is where I draw the line:
Oscar Mayer—may I call you Oscar?—Oscar…please!
The hope is that this is a marketing gimmick, and that the Wienermobile will be back before we know it. As public schools in Illinois taught us in fifth grade, there are irreversible things you can do with wieners, but this is not one of them. Oscar Mayer can change the name back. If Planters reanimated the dead body of Mr. Peanut, Oscar Mayer can certainly paint over “Frank” with “Wiener” again. Hopefully, this is a bid to get a cult of guys named Frank and women named Frankie following the Frankmobile around the country like the crew that followed Forrest Gump when he ran (also, if that happens, keep the name, Oscar—you’ve won). But it’s scary.
I’ll admit. When Tucker Carlson ran that segment bemoaning the alleged (but not actual) removal of the “dick vein” from Snickers bars, I thought it was weird. When Tucker Carlson ran that segment bemoaning how he couldn’t get off to the green M&M anymore, I thought that was weird too. And when I realized while writing this that Tucker Carlson will probably go after this name change if he’s doing a show somewhere these days, I preemptively figured it would be weird and contemplated whether I should stand down. But I can’t. I’m sad. I found the Wienermobile so wonderful not least because it was named the Wienermobile. A giant rolling hot dog with a name like that? It was so silly.
Thankfully, there’s still a giant rolling hot dog out there. Thankfully, it’s giving out free hot dogs to people named derivations of “Frank.” (This is true, and I do love it.) But I’m bummed, and I’m a little confused. If I keep calling it the Wienermobile, am I being a freak?
