It’s here. The Premier League is back. And we’re here to help you, the Burnley fan who lives in the United States and knows very little about soccer but does know the Europa League is the crown jewel in the soccer world, prepare.
We’re going through every Premier League team I can remember, followed by the ones I can’t, and telling you what to expect:
Manchester City
These guys are good. They spend a lot of money, and it translates into success. Probably not a factor in the Europa League race, though their performance in the two Cups will have an impact on how many Europa League spots are won through the Cups vs. earned in the standings. Why am I capitalizing Cups? Fear, mostly.
How do they relate to Burnley? Well, they kick Burnley’s ass routinely. Every time. Just smoke Burnley.
Manchester United
The returning Europa League runners up, Man U is solid. Spends money, but not as much as their neighbors I don’t think. The old guard, you know? More monarchical. Anyway they could be in the Europa League mix again. Wouldn’t be surprising.
Where do they stand relative to Burnley? They win a lot of those matches.
Chelsea
Chelsea could always be a factor in the Europa League race, but are more known for playing in London, which is not very much a Burnley town. Accordingly, they usually beat Burnley but one time Burnley, with the help of two Chelsea red cards, took those guys down. (I was going to use their nickname but then I got nervous—it’s the Lions, right?)
Liverpool
Burnley absolutely owns Liverpool. Liverpool has nightmares of Burnley. A draw at their place at the end of 2019-20, a win at their place in the midst of 2020-21…Burnley is to Liverpool what Kansas State is to Oklahoma, which is to say normally our lads are a nonfactor but they’ve done enough to have the reputation as a team that messes everything up. Lot of Burnley/Kansas State parallels, honestly.
Liverpool could be part of the Europa League race, but likely from the top.
Arsenal
Burnley’s natural rival, Arsenal plays in London and might be cursed? They have a man in a dinosaur suit who calls himself Gunnersaurus. He doesn’t play for the team but he’s a whole lot of fun.
Always a Europa League hopeful.
Tottenham Hotspurs
The Spurs…I think they beat Burnley pretty regularly. Always forget about them, to be honest. Did they just lose Harry Kane? Was Harry Kane on the Spurs to begin with? Doesn’t matter. They’re in the Europa League mix fairly regularly. I would count on them, Chelsea, Liverpool, and Manchester City all being at or above the Europa League threshold but again I really don’t know and am going off vague memories and gut feelings here.
Everton
Everton lives and breathes Europa League contention, and will not go down without a fight. I would imagine Burnley can beat them but I have few memories of them doing it.
Leicester City
Leicester’s been in that top bloc for a while and figures to be formidable in the Europa League race, but Burnley has that thing with Leicester where they can look them in the eye and have both metaphorical eye-lookers know that at the core of it, Leicester’s just Burnley with more striking kits.
West Ham United
These Soviet apologists (just missing a sickle, folks) are coming off a great season, and I’d guess they’ll be tough again this year too. We’ll see. Count them among the Europa League pursuers.
Wolverhampton Wanderers
I think these guys were good two years ago and bad last year? Is that right? Burnley can beat them. Can also lose badly to them. We’re into the fringe Europa League candidates now.
Leeds United
Leeds is an actual natural rival for Burnley, occupying a similar territory geographically. Stylistically, they’re the opposite of Burnley. They are lightning, Burnley is cement. Lot of goals when Leeds is involved.
Burnley
Well of course, I should mention Burnley. The Clarets. Our lads. Our favorites. Two years ago this time, we went searching for the most irrelevant and ideally blue-collar Premier League team we could find. They have never disappointed.
Brighton Hove & Albion
Is there a comma in the name here? Unclear. Brighton’s down on the coast. Lovely town, from the sounds of it. Burnley opens against them, and I seem to recall these guys (are they called the Seagulls or am I really reaching here?) being better than their results indicated last season, if FiveThirtyEight is to believed (I generally believe it in soccer because I know of no alternative and they know more than I do). I’ll call them a Europa League sleeper. Watch me.
Southampton…?
I think these guys are a thing, and a Premier League thing. Don’t remember much about them, to be honest. Think they’re fairly irrelevant, but Burnley is my irrelevant team, not these clowns.
Newcastle United
Newcastle was pretty bad last year and got away with it, if I recall FiveThirtyEight accurately. I think they’re a big-money club that traditionally doesn’t play all that well. Remember them having a noteworthy stadium. A really big one, maybe?
Crystal Palace
These are the guys down in London who tried to steal Sean Dyche. I don’t think they’re traditionally all that good but I think they might have enough money to make a Europa League push? Sorry if I’m wrong on that.
Aston Villa
Similar to Crystal Palace in my head, but in…Birmingham? They have this guy named Jack Grealish everyone hates (except when he’s playing for England and England’s winning, then they love him). I believe these are the guys Burnley has some bad blood with because Ben Mee killed one of their players one time (on accident, of course). Count them as a Europa League contender.
Brentford…?
There’s a new team in the EPL this year, and well actually there are three but two are returning from 2019-20, I think, and this is the one that isn’t and I think it’s named Brentford but anyway the guy who runs the club made a lot of money gambling on sports. They play Arsenal today in the opener.
Norwich City?
Forget if City’s a part of these guys’ name or not. Think they’re back this year. Best known for having a weird slide in an old church in their city.
Watford?
Again, I’m reaching on this. They’d be the other returner. I know little about them but I think they had a pretty funny TikTok of a ball getting volleyed between teams for something like thirteen headers with a caption of “How’s the Championship?” and circus music playing.
***
Ok, time for the fact check.
Nailed the team names! Alright. Love that. Harry Kane has evidently not left Tottenham yet, but Man City is ready to buy him. Crystal Palace doesn’t have that high a payroll—I think I was misled by their pursuit of Dyche. Newcastle doesn’t have that high a payroll either, but they do have a big stadium. Oh! Looked it up. They make a ton of revenue. Must just not spend it. I’m having trouble finding why they make so much revenue. Aston Villa is indeed in Birmingham. I eliminated Southampton in 2019 because, though irrelevant, it appeared they were owned by a shadowy Chinese firm and there’s some bad stuff in the shadows in China (like, for instance, genocide) and I couldn’t risk that. I got the Seagulls right with Brighton but the name is Brighton & Hove Albion, so my mistake there. Did not nail the team names, I guess. Also I didn’t find the Watford TikTok so I might have misremembered that, too.
Man. I’m excited. Not gonna watch today but excited nonetheless.
