Major Biden is biting again. Or rather, he has bitten. The president’s dog has, for the second time, bitten a public employee.
First off, who among us.
Second off, a few suggestions to get Major Biden to stop biting:
- Clarify that Major Biden’s last name is “Biden,” not “Bitin’”.
- Stop dressing the public servants up as chew toys.
- Stop giving Major Biden public-servant chew toys.
- Give Major Biden one of those rubber toys filled with peanut butter. I don’t know if this would help at all, but I feel like every time I google how to stop my dog from doing something I don’t want her to do, The Internet™ tells me to give her a thick rubber toy full of peanut butter. Although now that I think about it, it’s possible those articles were written by dogs. This is exactly what the dogs want you to do.
- Explain to Major Biden that risking the lives of Americans employed by the government is only acceptable in foreign lands rich with oil.
- Set off a big fireworks show every time Major Biden bites somebody. It’ll make the person feel like a million bucks (nothing says “I’m sorry” like fireworks), and it’ll probably scare the holy heck out of Major Biden.
- Let Major Biden zoom. Again, might be drawing too much on personal experience here, but every time Fargo’s acting up, it seems like if I take her outside, run back and forth across the yard with her chasing me for twenty minutes, chuck a frisbee into the dirt a bunch of times while she casually observes, and then give her water back inside and sit down very quietly, she goes to sleep.
These are the best I could think of in ten minutes. If they don’t work, frame Antony Blinken for the next incident.
