There is a judge in Leon County, Florida named John Cooper. He’s currently working on the Florida State lawsuit against the ACC. Evidently something he does with a lot of his clients (these are probably called plaintiffs and defendants, aren’t they) is order them to go to “mediation,” where I’m assuming the two parties go to a conference room in Tallahassee with a great view of an alligator-laden retention pond and sit down with a professional to try to hash things out. I like to think of this as a startlingly successful process, one led by a kind old man with a nasal voice and a salt-and-pepper mustache. Specifically, I’m thinking of a guy from my hometown named Arn.
Arn’s retired now, but in his professional days, he was a minister, a therapist, and a taxidermist. One guy! Arn. Great mustache. Even better voice. Nasal, and yet not grating. I don’t know how he does it. One time, our pastor stopped being our pastor for a few weeks, leaving Arn as the interim. Never did that church cheer so loudly as when Arn stepped to the pulpit and announced, “Now, I’m in charge.” I think there’s a story about Arn’s 75th or 80th birthday, one where some ladies from church invited him out for dinner but sent a hearse to pick him up. They thought the hearse would mess with a taxidermist? A taxidermist?? Anyway, I’m picturing ACC commissioner Jim Phillips and Florida State athletic director Michael Alford walking into this conference room and sitting down with Arn to talk about their problems. I’m picturing Arn greeting them with a glass of lemonade and his knowing smile, the kind of smile that makes you think the smiler might have winked at you. He didn’t wink at you. It’s just that kind of smile.
Clearly, Arn was not the mediator in the Florida State–ACC lawsuit. If he was, the mediation wouldn’t have failed.
On Thursday, Florida State and the ACC reported back to Judge Cooper, telling him the mediation didn’t work but that they’d keep talking. On Saturday, Florida State lost to Georgia Tech in Dublin.
Let me be the hundred-thousandth to say: It is a funny look to spend nine months complaining that your conference is holding you back and to then open your season with a loss to Georgia Tech, a program that’s made one bowl game in the last five years. It is so, so funny.
Now, a lot of people have spent the last day and a half saying clearly Florida State needs to leave the ACC even harder following the loss. It’s a funny joke. The premise is that Florida State sued the ACC for being too bad at football (that’s not really the case, but that’s kind of the case) and then lost to Georgia Tech, a program that’s made one bowl game in the last five years. You were right, Florida State. The competition’s not at your level! See? Funny.
On a more serious note, Florida State needs to leave the ACC even harder following the loss. They need to get out of that conference immediately. Because if yesterday revealed one thing to me—and there were a lot of things yesterday could have revealed—it’s that every time Florida State loses an ACC game between now and the next nuclear war, people are going to tease the Seminoles remorselessly. It will be a teasing unlike any other. If you thought you got teased hard for pissing your pants in fourth grade while simultaneously calling the teacher “Mom” (yes, we know about that, the cookies these websites collect are amazing), you’d be horrified by what’s encountered Florida State. The teasing is out of control. Georgia Tech’s making fun of them, and Georgia Tech’s a bunch of nerds! They offer a strong master’s degree in City and Regional Planning! I would be proud to send my child there!! I would never send my child to Florida State. Florida State should be way too cool for Georgia Tech to tease.
Florida State goes to Duke in October. If they’re not good enough to win ACC games by then, they need to call it quits. Getting teased by Georgia Tech is bad. Getting teased by Duke is something even Arn couldn’t make you feel better about.
Etc.
It’s been a little bit of time since we Noted. Consider these things…Noted. (Should we get stamps that say “Noted” and stamp them on passers by, then explain it’s a guerrilla advertising campaign for our NIT blog? I think this might work. I think this might be our ticket to the bigtime. Advertisers, hop on board now!)
- Backyard Sports is coming back: Pablo Sanchez rides again. Playground Productions is evidently behind it, which is a little sad. I hope they’re still using the Humongous Entertainment branding. I wonder when that trademark runs out. To the point: I guess Playground Productions saw people react to the EA Sports college football game and said, “That’s cute.”
- Colorado is negotiating with terrorists, at least if you’re of the opinion that the Saudi Arabian royal investment fund has ties to 9/11. If not, Colorado merely negotiated with the Saudi Arabian royal investment fund. Colorado was trying to get more NIL money for their players. I’d love to see those commercials. Shedeur Sanders breaking out the bone saw on that columnist his dad banned from press conferences.
- I missed this a whole two weeks ago, but thank you, thank you, thank you to the reader who brought it to my attention. A few Northern Arizona teams will play as the Astrojacks this academic year. It’s an alternate identity. Like an alternate jersey, but bigger. As someone with an alternate identity, then, let me say: Welcome. What is an Astrojack? Well, it’s a space-themed lumberjack. Because Northern Arizona is the Lumberjacks and (I am not joking) you can see a lot of stars in Flagstaff. I wish they’d called themselves the Lumbernauts, but who am I to argue with this depiction of Babe the Blue Ox, ready to chop wood in space?
- The preseason NIT bracket is set. North Texas will open against Northern Iowa. Utah State will open against St. Bonaventure. This is all happening on Thanksgiving. I cannot tell you how excited I am for the holidays.
- I know this is mean, but I hope the USMNT Pochettio hire falls through. It doesn’t sound like it will, but it’s great that it’s lasted so long. Hopefully he does a good job. People seem excited about him. I just feel like people are always excited about the USMNT’s hires. I want one everybody’s angry about.
- I don’t have a lot to add about the Staten Island Little League coach’s feud with Aaron Judge, except that I loved it. Every Staten Island youth coach should have an active feud with a New York professional athlete. This is how we bring back New York City. If more community leaders on Staten Island were grumpy old men who had beef with a specific Hall-of-Famer, the NIT would have never needed to leave.
- Australian rugby has a problem. I don’t want to get into specifics, but South Africa clowned them. (Ok, the specifics are that South Africa beat Australia in Australia with a bunch of its backups.) The Tournament Formerly Known as the Tri-Nations continues this coming weekend. The All Blacks are headed to Johannesburg and Cape Town. Australia’s flying over to Argentina. I would assume the Wallabies will get Walla-beat. I would also love an Australian to explain to me what’s gone wrong (with the Wallabies and with my life).
