Everything that’s wrong with the Cubs circles back to Craig Counsell. I’m convinced this is a causal relationship, but even if we disagree on that front, the correlation is clear. A timeline:
- 2018: The Cubs’ blossoming dynasty is cut short when, following a 95-win season, they lose the NL Central on a one-game tiebreaker after Milwaukee finishes the year on a 29–10 run. Counsell somehow doesn’t win Manager of the Year voting, but he does make off with the Cubs’ soul.
- 2019: The Cubs again falter down the stretch in a close race involving the Brewers, finishing with fewer than 90 wins for the first time since 2014. After the season, suspicious footage emerges of Brewers star Christian Yelich looking repeatedly at a spot in left-center field after the pitcher takes the sign. The Astros get caught instead, and somewhere in a damp cave, Counsell cackles.
- 2020: The Cubs finally win the division again, but remain unable to score runs at key moments after Craig Counsell kills upwards of three million people by bioengineering and releasing a novel coronavirus on an unsuspecting world.
- 2021: The Brewers return to the top of the NL Central after humiliating the Cubs in a three-game series around the end of June. This prompts the sell-off of the most successful Cubs icons in over one hundred years and nearly ruins the franchise’s relationship with Jake Arrieta.
- 2022: The Brewers hit Willson Contreras in the head for the 95th time in his last 47 plate appearances, prompting the sanctimonious weasel Counsell to behave sanctimoniously.
- 2023: After the Brewers win the Central yet again, the Cubs fire their genial skipper, David Ross, and replace him with the soulless Counsell, a man who smiles only when he thinks of death, or of his front office lowballing Corbin Burnes.
- 2024: The Cubs stink.
Counsell’s fault? Probably not, honestly. Years and years of research have indicated that the importance of major league managers is largely limited to their impact on psychological factors, things like chemistry and confidence and vibes. This is why the Phillies are so high on Kyle Schwarber.* He does all those things for them, reducing Rob Thomson’s role to knowing how to get ejected at the right times. Pitching changes? Lineups? Decisions to bunt or not? They can swing a game here and there, but over the course of a season, they come out in the wash. Sure, Héctor Neris is a bad choice to be the Cubs’ closer right now, but there is no good choice. We do not know of any good relief pitcher in the city of Chicago. 2.7 pitiful souls. All of them would blow these saves.
Manager changes, then, are simply placebos for the fans. It’s like the word “walk” to a dog.
“You wanna fire the manager, buddy??”
*tail wags*
“You want us to fire his ass?”
*excited spins*
“You wanna see that breaking news hit the ESPN bottom line that the manager’s out and we’re promoting the bench coach to serve as the interim?”
*jumping, barking, losing our collective shit*
This is a time-honored practice, one front offices have executed for generations. Managers are designated scapegoats, powerless buffoons most responsible for remembering to bring baby animals to spring training so Anthony Rizzo can be among his kind. Once upon a time, the Boston Red Sox hired Bobby Valentine. You think they thought he was going to win??
So no, Craig Counsell does not deserve to be fired for any performance-related reason. He’s simply a scoundrel who gutted the Cubs six years ago and keeps picking at the corpse, now from a troublingly close distance. Is he responsible for the terrible vibes? Probably. Is he sabotaging the Cubs? Definitely. Is he the root problem? Not at all. But dammit, it’d feel so good to see that bastard get the ax. Broadcast that shit and the Marquee–Comcast war is won.
*My other idea to fix the Cubs—besides tarring and feathering Counsell before shipping him on a barge back to the inland suburbs of Miami, where he can coach in front of his beloved empty seats—is to trade whatever it takes to retrieve Kyle Schwarber. Surely, there is a price.
Etc.
- The Celtics won the NBA Finals, but society was the real winner, with The Internet™ labeling Jayson Tatum “corny” for how he imitated a chatbot during the postgame celebrations. Tatum didn’t win the MVP? Halfway there. Tatum was made fun of at the peak of his professional career? Mission accomplished. This last part feels mean. This is the part of the story where I start to feel guilt for rooting against the guy. Has Tatum hate gone overboard? Yes. But against an NBA media salivating at the chance to undeservedly label someone a modern great, I don’t see what choice we had. We had to fight fire with fire. Unfortunately, in this case “fire” is sensational hype on ESPN, while the other “fire” is cyberbullying. I’m ashamed of my actions, but I didn’t create this ecosystem.
- Speaking of those Finals: Someone please remind me, if I am ever president, to award the Medal of Freedom to Doris Burke for last night’s Caitlin Clark joke. We struggle here at The Barking Crow to keep our humor concise. That one-liner—“If that were Caitlin Clark, it might spark a debate for a week”—exemplified the effectiveness of brevity.
