The Packers offense didn’t click last weekend. There’s no way around it. it just didn’t click. Since then, Aaron Rodgers has complimented Christian Watson and Romeo Doubs, and he’s acknowledged the existence of Amari Rodgers, which—let’s cut to the chase. One of these guys is going to show up to practice tripping on shrooms soon in an attempt to connect to their quarterback, so let’s figure out which one it’s going to be. Wide receivers and tight ends, everything in here is completely my own opinion parody parody parody ok I think we’re covered by parody law now:
Marcedes Lewis
Marcedes Lewis has probably done plenty of psychedelics, and he’s talked about them with Rodgers, but he doesn’t take them as seriously as the QB does. They’re just fun for him. Rodgers doesn’t love this, but it’s not tearing him up.
Josiah Deguara
Deguara looks like he and his friends love doing shrooms, but only because they make Anchorman 2 that much funnier. He has not realized Rodgers is into ayahuasca. He has somehow missed that. Probably texting too much with the boys.
Tyler Davis
Tyler Davis would like to use shrooms, trying to get on Rodgers’s good side, but he has yet to successfully find any, and he’s not entirely sure that shrooms are a psychedelic in the first place. To be honest, Tyler Davis doesn’t fully understand what the word hallucinate means.
Robert Tonyan
Who do you think was the shaman in Peru, guys? There’s no other explanation for how Tonyan spent his time rehabbing.
Randall Cobb
Randall Cobb hasn’t showed up to practice on shrooms, but he’s taken them once in a dutiful attempt to understand his friend and quarterback.
Amari Rodgers
Randall Cobb told Amari Rodgers that he doesn’t have to take shrooms, so he won’t do it.
Allen Lazard
Allen Lazard got conned one time in Ames by a kid who bought mushrooms from Hy-Vee, put ‘em in a plastic bag, and sold them. He was underwhelmed but his friends were acting like they were seeing wild things, so he went with it. The bottom line is he doesn’t believe shrooms work. At least, not on him.
Sammy Watkins
Sammy Watkins has done shrooms at practice but not in a good way.
Samori Toure
I could see Samori Toure being one of those guys who hasn’t touched a single mind-altering substance in his life. Not even caffeine.
Christian Watson
Christian Watson is from Tampa and how he ended up in Fargo for college is mysterious to me, so I’m going to say this guy has inadvertently done shrooms and loved them and would love to do them again but keeps asking Aaron Rodgers for permission and Aaron Rodgers doesn’t want to have to give permission he wants these guys to trust themselves on this stuff.
Romeo Doubs
The Willie Mays Hayes of his time, Doubs showed up and it’s gone well. I don’t think he’s changing the formula.
Juwann Winfree
Finally. Our guy. Practice squad call-up man. Not only should he do it, but I think he will. I trust Juwann Winfree to do the right thing here, coming to practice in the middle of a psychedelic trip to see more deeply into his quarterback’s soul, connecting with Rodgers on a plane on which no wide receiver/quarterback combo has ever connected before.
Of course, Winfree just isn’t that good, so it might not mean much, but it’ll make Rodgers happy and that seems to be what we’re really going for here.
More Joe Kelly Electricity
Joe Kelly lit up the Rockies on Wednesday, striking out the side in his only inning of work. He’s now fanned five of the last seven batters he’s faced, and he’s walked just one man in the last two weeks. Big weekend ahead for him, trying to lead the White Sox to a playoff berth. All eyes on the middle reliever.
Fargo vs. the World (Arizona)
Fargo’s visiting Arizona this Thanksgiving (or at least, that’s the plan, we don’t want to commit too aggressively yet in case we decide she’s too wild a pup to haul in a car over a two-day drive both ways), and odds are good that she’ll be doing so victoriously. Her namesake city’s finest institution (North Dakota State) plays Arizona’s finest institution (Arizona) late tomorrow night in Tucson, and one of those is the favorite and it is not Arizona.
Might have to put her in the Carson Wentz jersey for it.
The University of Texas
One of our most popular Bevo’s Fake Nutses was the one wondering whether UTSA could ever become known as the University of Texas, with UT-Austin there by becoming relegated to being known as, well, UT-Austin. As in, “Did you know that Shaka Smart managed to win a national championship at UT-Austin? Yeah! The directional Texas school equivalent!”
This is what’s on the line tomorrow as Texas hosts UTSA over on campus. The winner is the University of Texas. Those are the rules. (It’s still unclear who’s going to play quarterback for the Horns but my money’s on Hudson Card.)
Beefless Gravy?
Mason Ramsey and Yung Gravy might not be beefing after all. I was in the comments section yesterday on a Ramsey TikTok (it was lit, yes) and it looked like they kidding around back and forth. I’ll continue to keep you posted as I learn more, but didn’t want to send you into the weekend without the latest read on the situation.
All About Bristol
Well this is an unexpected convenience.
NASCAR’s at Bristol tomorrow night (I hope it’s as good as ever, even with the new car which sucks on short tracks), and Burnley plays Bristol City tomorrow morning. I’m told they’re different Bristols—evidently the NASCAR Bristol would murder anyone who asked them to play soccer, and the soccer Bristol would murder anyone who asked them to drive a stock car—but it’s hard to not view this as a sign that Bristol is not actually in Tennessee OR Virginia and is actually in England.
On the concrete, I think we’re set up for Kevin Harvick to wreck somebody as he chases a win and a second-round berth, and I think that’s going to result in someone getting hurt, and I think he’s going to look into the confessional camera with an “I told you so” face on. He has been building to this. He hasn’t been raising the alarm. He’s been threatening! Quick!! Somebody stop Kevin Harvick!!!
On the grass, Burnley’s at home, and Bristol City will be traveling from the city of Bristol, a 450,000ish-person metropolis on the banks of the Avon BUT NOT THE STRATFORD-UPON-AVON AVON wow, that was quite a twist. Surely there are not so many rivers in England that these guys had to reuse names. Avon’s not even that cool a name for a river. It’s not, like, Rocky. Rocky River? That’s a good river name right there. (That isn’t the name of the airport chocolate shop, is it?)
Because it’s a big city but not gigantic, and because it’s on the lesser of two rivers with a common name, one of which is important to its country’s heritage (the greater of the two, not this one), I think Bristol is the Austin of England. Which makes tomorrow awkward.
On the pitch, Bristol’s having a solid year. Seventh in the table, even with Burnley on points, haters will say they ain’t played nobody but this is the Championship, that’s the point. Historically, the Robins have only briefly been in the top division, and only on two occasions. But, they’ve avoided falling down into the real depths of the pyramid. Consistent mediocrity. We respect it.
More New Sens
The Senators are bringing in two players to training camp on Professional Tryout Agreements (PTOs), and they’re both forwards. Derrick Brassard and Michael Dal Colle. We’ll follow up if anything comes of them, but noteworthy that they’re both forwards.
Elsewhere, the bros lost their first rookie tournament game, 5-4, to the Bruins, but it’s an exhibition, Bruins fans. Get over it. No idea when the next one is. Why would I follow exhibitions? You want me blogging about NBA Summer League next?
License Plate Housekeeping
I have some old license plates I need to take to the recycling center but the last time I looked into doing that you needed to make an appointment because of the novel coronavirus.
Also, now that Joe’s launched the college football model, keep your eyes peeled for License Plate Bracket III. We will not let it go unbracketed. (ETA is…the week after next, to keep expectations vague and our options open.)
I Might Bake Cookies Tomorrow
I baked cookies recently—may have told you about this—and anyway, might do it again. Might buy a ton of milk, too. Because they’ll be chocolate chip cookies, and those sure go great with milk, you know?
**
Weekend viewing schedule:
Saturday, 8:00 PM EDT: UTSA @ Texas, Longhorn Network
Saturday, 11:00 PM EDT: North Dakota State @ Arizona, FS1
A massive Saturday night in my dog’s world. Unbeknownst to her. She did carry a football through the house once, though. So maybe she understands.
Friday, 2:20 PM EDT: Rockies @ Cubs, MLB TV
Saturday, 2:20 PM EDT: Rockies @ Cubs, MLB TV
Sunday, 2:20 PM EDT: Rockies @ Cubs, MLB TV
This is noon, Denver time. These guys are sunk.
Friday, 7:10 PM EDT: White Sox @ Tigers, MLB TV
Saturday, 6:10 PM EDT: White Sox @ Tigers, MLB TV
Sunday, 12:20 PM EDT: White Sox @ Tigers, MLB TV
When will Joe Kelly get his chance to save the White Sox’ season? Will he get two chances? The biggest questions in sports.
Sunday, 8:20 PM EDT: Bears @ Packers, NBC
Remember, Juwann: The shrooms are for practice, not a game.
Saturday, 10:00 AM EDT: Bristol City @ Burnley
Saturday, 7:30 PM EDT: Bass Pro Shops Night Race, USA
What are people from Bristol called? Either Bristol, I mean. Hope it’s different. I’ll misuse them intentionally if it’s different.
