We recently bought our dog a car, which is to say we bought a car large enough to comfortably haul both Fargo and her crate across the country. It’s been great. We took her to Thanksgiving in Arizona. We took her to Christmas in Georgia. We got a little thing they call a bridge that spans from the back of the front seats to the front of the middle row so she could lie on it, and now she naps in the car (after spending her first twenty months with us standing and panting in horror whenever the car was in motion, which was terrible from a center-of-gravity perspective but the girl just would not listen to physics). Having a bigger car has been a delight, and the only problem has been…
It’s a Kia.
Right before we left for Christmas, our permanent plates came in at the dealership, so the day before we left, I put them onto the car, thinking nothing of it. This was eleven days ago. Yesterday, we got back from Georgia, unloaded the car, and I continued to think nothing of it. Today, moments after I’d texted our household pictures of my cousin’s recently-broken-into Kia, the theft of which had failed, I got a call from Mrs. NIT saying our own Kia was not where we’d parked it. It wasn’t anywhere in the garage, in fact. Fifteen hours after returning from Georgia, our car was gone.
We’d been warned about this. Right after we bought the Kia, my brother—who also owns one, at least half of my grandparents’ six grandkid families own Kias these days—texted us about the ‘Kia Boys,’ evidently a Milwaukee-originated group who figured out how to hotwire certain Kias and certain Hyundais using a USB cord. The car came with LoJack, so we said, “Oh crap! Well, no wonder they made such a big deal out of LoJack. Let’s get that set up,” and then never set it up, because we were busy and unafraid. Unafraid, that is, until our car was gone today and our cousin’s car had glass all over the front seat and wires hanging out below the steering wheel. At that point, we were very afraid. More angry, really—the car was gone, so there wasn’t anything left to be afraid of—but you get the idea.
Long story short, our car hadn’t gotten stolen. Those asses in the leasing office—often called ‘management’ in other apartment buildings—don’t have time to get the elevators fixed or the garage gate fixed or the gym fixed or the packages delivered, but they did have time, after a string of break-ins, to overhaul the garage system, failing to fix the gate but successfully installing monitored security cameras and a license plate scanning system which automatically calls a tow truck whenever an unregistered license plate tried to park in the garage.
Right before we left for Christmas, our permanent plates came in at the dealership, so the day before we left, I put them onto the car, thinking nothing of it.
Our car was registered under the temporary license plate.
Yesterday, we got back from Georgia, unloaded the car, and I continued to think nothing of it.
The plate scanner didn’t recognize the new plates.
So, our car wasn’t stolen. It isn’t stolen. We just picked it up from the neighborhood tow lot, and we’re annoyed and out a couple hundred bucks, which is a lot, but we didn’t have to file a police report and we still have the car we just bought.
But the Kia Boys! Those guys.
First off, the only cars at especial risk are, per something called MotorBiscuit that seems legitimate enough, Kias and Hyundais built between 2011 and 2021. They also have to start with a physical key, not one of those remote keys that are so annoying and easy to misplace but evidently make your car less thievable in this situation. Any car can be stolen, but those are the ones we’re told are vulnerable to the particular trick.
Second off, who are the Kia Boys?
Clearly, they’re a misogynistic bunch. Kia Boys? No women allowed? I thought this was 2022 (or 2023, depending on the model). Also, they reportedly started in Milwaukee, so they’re assumedly Brewers fans, and because they wear masks, their faces are unseeable so we cannot confirm that they are or aren’t Brewers themselves. Is Craig Counsell a Kia Boy? You’d have to ask him yourself. Finally, they’re TikTok people, and if you’re wondering if I mean ‘TikTokers,’ no I don’t, I mean TikTok people, if you’re using the phrase TikToker I’m going to consider you a suspect as well. Maybe we should have led with this TikTok part. The whole trend became well-known because of a TikTok video created by a group calling itself the Kia Boys. That’s the real context here.
Anyway, Gen Z is coming for your car, America. And given that Kia is Korean and TikTok is Chinese, I think we know why.
We Still Believe in Wyoming
We can’t quit Wyoming. I don’t know whether it’s the color scheme or our friends the Murphs or the allure of Jeff Linder, but we still believe Wyoming can win the NIT. Even after yet another loss last night. At some point, one of us has to reverse course, but for right now, we’re hanging on. The ‘Boys will be back.
**
Our Thursday itinerary:
8:00 PM EST: FAU @ North Texas (ESPN+)
Conference Stu-S-A is having its best year in a long time. And it was pretty good last year! UAB’s the trendy one because they’re another of our NIT contenders (also allegedly because of Jelly Walker, but I think it’s us and not him), but FAU and North Texas are just as good, and they’re playing toNITe in the Game of the NITe, which is also the game of the night across all college basketball. Funny how that works.
Anyway, they’re playing for more than an automatic bid. They’re playing for a chance to win the two most reasonably defined national championships in the land—the Conference USA title and the NIT title—in the very same season. What a buzz.
8:00 PM EST: Sam Houston State @ Utah Valley (ESPN+)
We like to make fun of the WAC’s schemes, but they’re also pretty good this year. More in the NIT auto-bid part of the world, but pretty good! Another top-of-the-league matchup here and holy shit I’m sorry but I just looked across the street and there’s a man sitting outside his apartment in a scooter wearing boxers and an unzipped jacket smoking a cig. He’s ready for Sam Houston State @ Utah Valley, folks. Are you?
6:30 PM EST: Providence @ Butler (FS1)
7:00 PM EST: Iowa @ Nebraska (BTN)
9:00 PM EST: Tulane @ Cincinnati (ESPN2)
11:00 PM EST: Colorado @ Stanford (ESPNU)
Tulane’s another of those NIT contenders, but largely because Tulane Is Having a Moment™, a moment which could emphatically end in the upcoming Cotton Bowl. They need to start winning, and here’s a good chance.
For the others on the list? They’re all in such a sweet spot that there isn’t a particular outcome that really helps or hurts their NIT chances. ToNITe, then, is just a celebration of them being where they are. We’re living in the present, folks.
7:30 PM EST: UTEP @ UAB (ESPN+)
8:00 PM EST: South Florida @ Memphis (ESPN+)
8:30 PM EST: Bethune-Cookman @ Illinois (FS1)
Three more NIT contenders here (well, two more plus UAB, whom we mentioned). Nothing they can do to make us love them more or less. Except for murder. That would change our feelings. Can’t say in which direction, though. We have a much better pulse on our reaction to car theft than we do to murder. I have my guesses, but you just don’t know until you think it happened but the person was actually just towed and you don’t know it yet.
7:00 PM EST: Senators @ Capitals (ESPN+)
The Sens could use this one, but they could use all of them, so don’t go thinking you’re special, Caps. Do you think Brady Tkachuk is making a lot of jokes about “busting a Cap in [Tim Stützle’s] ass?” I think Brady Tkachuk is making a lot of jokes about “busting a Cap in [Tim Stützle’s] ass.”
