My only problem with the NHL is that it has a lot of teams who don’t feel like real hockey teams. I know these teams have supporters. I know these teams are fans. I know that the middle of the Arizona Coyotes death march is an insensitive time to criticize warm-weather hockey. But the playoffs begin tomorrow, and we need to say it: Six of these teams are bullshit.
We’ll start with the obvious ones:
- The Florida Panthers are not only in Florida but don’t play in a real city. (Sunrise? Get out of here.)
- The Carolina Hurricanes are carpetbaggers. Every day they exist is another lash upon Hartford’s haunches.
- The Stars could have at least had the decency to pick a new name when they cut Minnesota’s balls off. (That’s what happened. That’s what made the Twin Cities a little soft.)
- I don’t know why Nashville thought it should memorialize that aspect of Elvis’s legacy when it named its hockey team, especially since Graceland’s in Memphis.
- The Lightning are not only in Florida but don’t play in a real city. (Tampa? Get out of here.)
The other one? The Knights. I don’t have a problem with the idea, but demanding we include the word Golden is annoying, and the cap manipulation is obnoxious. Just be the Knights, and leave loophole exploitation to real villains.
Thankfully, the other ten playoff teams are legitimate. Even the Capitals and the Kings. Los Angeles and Washington are important enough cities that they should have all of the Big Four. Anaheim’s a bit much, but thankfully, the Ducks are terrible, so we don’t have to talk about them. Do the Kings deserve another Stanley Cup? Of course not. But it’s ok that they exist.
Who Deserves a Stanley Cup the Most?
That brings us to the eight real hockey teams in the field who aren’t there merely to keep the Big Four big. The eight, ranked by how much they deserve the Stanley Cup:
8. Colorado Avalanche
If the Avalanche were an expansion franchise or the relocated Thrashers, we’d be ok with them. Great nickname. Awesome, awesome nickname. I personally think Utah should also be the Avalanche, because Avalanche is so perfect for a professional hockey team, but we’ll get to that below.
The problem with the Avalanche is that they should still be the Quebec Nordiques. It’s like the Hartford thing, but worse.
7. New York Islanders
Maybe “deserve” is the wrong word here. I just think the Islanders should naturally suffer. I don’t think they deserve to suffer, but I think suffering should be their natural state. Like the Jets and the Mets. Thankfully, this is exactly what happens. Nature is amazing.
6. Vancouver Canucks
I like the Canucks. But Vancouver’s a little too nicely thought-of as a city to be great at hockey. It’s too pleasant. I want more grit.
5. Toronto Maple Leafs
At this point, the Leafs should continue to lose. It’s a great identity for them. But on its face, there’s no reason Toronto shouldn’t have a hockey juggernaut.
4. Boston Bruins
Boston checks all the boxes. It’s a great college hockey town. The Bruins are historic themselves. We’re all used to Boston sports teams being a championship factor, so it would be weird if the Bruins totally stunk. The Bruins and Rangers should be bigger rivals than they are.
3. Edmonton Oilers
This one’s tough because Edmonton and the Oilers definitely deserve greatness, but Connor McDavid isn’t as cool as I want him to be. I need more swagger from that guy, and it holds the Oilers back in my heart.
2. New York Rangers
It’s time for another New York titan to arise. It’s been too long, both for the Rangers themselves and for the city of New York. The Giants play out of town. The Knicks’ whole shtick is being a mess. The Yankees keep botching it. I love Billy Joel too, but we need Madison Square Garden to be primarily associated with something sports. It’s time for the Rangers to win one.
1. Winnipeg Jets
I timed myself, and I couldn’t name a single player on the Jets in one minute. That’s exactly what you want out of a hockey team playing in Winnipeg. Ten out of ten, no notes.
Please Let Those Trademarks Be a Joke
Someone anonymously filed trademarks for the following five names:
- Utah Blizzard
- Utah Venom
- Utah Fury
- Utah HC
- Utah Hockey Club
*vomiting everywhere in sight*
Blizzard is good. I like Blizzard. Blizzard was also, interestingly enough, filed by a separate person or group from whoever filed the other four, according to KSL Sports. This gives me hope that it is real and the others are a mean prank.
Venom and Fury are the worst. If the Utah team is named the Venom or the Fury, I think the NHL should fold and the Stanley Cup should be melted down into silverware sold at an unspecified Dillard’s. The fact owner Ryan Smith has thrown Venom around before is concerning in itself, but if he’s the one who trademarked it, that’s a terrible sign about who’s in his braintrust. If Venom is still on his mind three months after saying it publicly, then this is a man who is not hearing “no” enough.
Hockey Club and HC are bad too. Those are soccer names. Hockey Team? HT? That works. But you don’t call something a club unless you’re European. It’s cool when they do it. When we do it in America, we’re not showing any self-respect.
That’s the thing about the nickname. It doesn’t have to be amazing. Most things work. But it needs to be respectable. There are so many words in the world that aren’t Venom or Fury. Hell, use another one of the existing NHL names! We said above that Avalanche would be good enough to use twice. Utah Avalanche. See? That gets us going. Great rivalry, already locked in.
Happy Talladega
It’s Talladega weekend in the NASCAR world. There are two Talladega weekends each season, but this is the first. The Geico 500’s on Sunday.
Talladega is the perfect NASCAR speedway. It’s a superspeedway, which means it’s the most exciting for casuals (and for diehards, but a lot of NASCAR diehards won’t admit that). It’s in the woods of Alabama. An iconic and highly accurate movie is named after it. The Daytona 500 is great. We love the Daytona 500 around here. But Talladega’s better. There’s something glamorous about Daytona. Glamour has no place in NASCAR.
Etc.
Chicago:
- The Bulls! Is this the last we see of them for the season? Probably. But…what if they earn themselves four more games? The Bulls are more fun if you think of them as an effort to tease Adam Silver. “Hey man. Look at this shitty team. OH WAIT THEY’RE IN YOUR PLAYOFFS!” See red, friends.
- It really was rainy in Chicago last night, but it would have been a fun callback joke if the Cubs canceled the game too early, it didn’t rain, and it was Craig Counsell left answering for it. That would have been a good bit.
Joe Kelly, Burnley, and the Ottawa Senators:
- Joe Kelly and the Dodgers continue their homestand. Mets in town tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday. No Sunday night game this week for our guy. It’ll be an afternoon start. Is ESPN trying to hide Joe Kelly from the world?
- Burnley’s got Sheffield United tomorrow, on the road. It is possible that Burnley will win. If Burnley wins, they’ll gain at least one point on the relegation cut line, and probably two or three. That would pull them within two games of safety with four games to play. Of course, three of those four games are against teams in the top seven in the league, but we take what we can get.
- No big Sens news today. Everyone’s too focused on the Laval series. Go (Belleville) Sens go.
IndyCar, F1:
- F1’s in Shanghai this weekend, bowing to another autocracy, and…we kid (we aren’t kidding but we think needling F1 and the NBA is a better move than going nuts about this kind of thing). I think we’re going to get back into F1 this summer. It’s not as good a product as IndyCar, but it’s become unpopular enough again that we aren’t feeding a monster by contributing to pretending it’s exciting. It’s ok for sports to not be exciting sometimes. Shanghai! First sprint race weekend of the year! I hear there are a lot of turns. Count me in. Not really, because I’m assuming it’s happening overnight and that I won’t watch a second of it, but in my intentions.
- IndyCar’s at Long Beach. That’s one of the ones with a fountain. This is the start of the real heart of the season, the leadup to the Indy 500. Great time to get into IndyCar if you like watching automobiles race but you find F1 a little too boring.
Austin FC:
- Austin plays Houston tomorrow night in Houston, and I think I might be with some Austin soccer fans when the game happens. I will report any findings.
