The Onion still writes about Eli Manning now and then, but not as much as they used to. Ten years ago, it felt like they covered his every marshmallows-only Lucky Charms breakfast. From getting his head stuck in a gift bag on Christmas morning to giddily telling his friends his parents would take him to Disney World for “playing good in the big game,” Eli Manning was the most successful joke in the world. His slightly-agape mouth, his puzzled expression, his overgrown harmless frat guy figure—the man looked silly, and his reliably medium play matched the archetype. He entered the NFL a villain, immediately forcing a trade out of San Diego. He left it with beleaguered respect, the genius’s goofy little brother who should not have owned Tom Brady and absolutely did. He wore us down, dammit. Yes, fine, he was pretty good.
Now?
I think he’s the favorite Manning.
Society’s favorite, I mean.
Peyton Manning has two big skeletons in his closet. Peyton Manning always seems to be trying very hard to be liked. Peyton Manning is haunted by the ghost of Tom Brady. Cooper? Now that Cooper’s finally out of his cage, we can confirm that he’s who we suspected him of being: A shrewd marketer and businessman, willing to set his kid up to ride pine for a year at Texas because he knows it’s the long game that counts. And speaking of the long game, look at Eli Manning now.
We’ve learned a few things about Eli Manning in his retirement. The first is that his 40’s suit him really well. He’s always been in his 40’s, and it is kind of biology to finally agree with him on that. The second is that he’s self-aware. He knows it’s funny that he haunts Tom Brady’s dreams, and he knows why, and he doesn’t seem shook up by that. The third is that he’s clever.
ESPN has a show where Eli Manning goes around generating ad revenue visiting college football campuses, and the latest gem to emerge from this involves him pretending to be Chad Powers, a quarterback in his mid-20’s who never played organized football but is nonetheless trying to walk on at Penn State. Sidd Finch stuff. They bring in Hollywood makeup artists, they get James Franklin on board, it feels destined for a corny grave and somehow, it connects. Here’s the episode.
The thing about Manning’s jokes in the fifteen minutes is that he telegraphs them. He makes it obvious when he’s going to make a bad one, and he then makes it anyway, and because he’s already disarmed the audience, it doesn’t bother us. Then, when he does something that’s actually funny (such as huffing “think fast, run fast” to himself with every stride of a 40-yard dash), it lands too. His bad jokes don’t exhaust you, because he’s warned you? That’s my best theory on what’s going on here.
There’s more than Eli Manning’s comedic anatomy going on here. Our best indications are that he’s a better guy than Peyton, and he’s always taken it easier than the rest of his family, which lends itself to creating some likability. But across the board, Eli Manning has found his level as the best of the Mannings. And that would have been hard to believe, reading The Onion in 2010.
Burnley In the Wild
Burnley goes off the grid this week, sending its guys away for various international duties, and we found the full list (on Burnley’s website, which was very nice of Burnley to make possible). Twelve guys! I was expecting two or three. Golly.
Kosovo
Arijanet Muric has Nations League matches Saturday and Tuesday against Northern Ireland and Cyprus.
Northern Ireland
Bailey Peacock-Farrell has Nations League matches Saturday and Tuesday against Kosovo and Greece.
Ireland
Josh Cullen’s on the roster for Nations League matches Saturday and Tuesday against Scotland and Armenia.
Wales
Nations League again here, with Connor Roberts ready for Belgium and Poland on Thursday and Sunday, respectively.
Turkey
Halil Dervişoğlu is on the Thursday/Sunday Nations League cadence. Luxembourg tomorrow, then the Faroe Islands on Sunday. I don’t know why but I feel like Turkey and the Faroe Islands wouldn’t get along.
Democratic Republic of the Congo
Samuel Bastien has a pair of friendlies—Friday against Burkina Faso, Tuesday against Sierra Leone.
England/Netherlands/Germany/Ireland/Northern Ireland/Belgium U21s
Oh wow I didn’t even consider this. The lads are young! Taylor Harwood-Bellis (England), Ian Maatsen (Netherlands), Jordan Beyer (Germany), Dara Costelloe (Ireland), Dane McCullough (Northern Ireland), and Anass Zaroury (Belgium) all have Euro 2023 U21 qualifiers. Looks like there are games Thursday, Friday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday for those. Golly. This is going to be a lot to keep straight. Soccer is nuts.
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Viewing schedule:
6:40 PM EDT: Cubs @ Marlins, MLB TV
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but David Bote’s been above-average at the plate this year. 103 wRC+. Just saying. The adventures might not be over yet.
8:10 PM EDT: Guardians @ White Sox, MLB TV (second screen)
No word yet on whether Joe Kelly will be back from family medical leave, but we’ll keep an eye out and keep crossing our fingers for everyone to be well.
