Let’s baselessly speculate.
Carlos Correa did not ultimately sign with the Giants, in yet another reminder that done deals are not always done. Instead, he took a $35 million pay cut but will reach free agency again a year earlier, if—God willing—he’s still alive by then (say what you will about me, Correa sycophants, but I want the man alive at the end of the 2034 season, and ideally far beyond it). Reportedly there was a “difference of opinion” about the physical, and Steve Cohen, remembering how mad everyone got when the Mets didn’t sign Kumar Rocker after they drafted him because it turned out, yep, his arm was messed up, decided to flip his karma and sign the man with something wrong. The question now is, what was wrong?
It can’t be the “back issues.” Those have always been a red herring. How could someone have back issues when they don’t have a spine. It also can’t be a problem with his heart, because again, open up his chest and there’s nothing to be found. Maybe he has lung damage from inhaling so many of his own farts? That’s something that would turn up on a physical. Hmm, Doctor B, please get in here as well. I need a second opinion. My stethoscope is indicating this man’s lungs are STINKY!
I don’t think it’s the lungs, really. I bet they smell terrible, even worse than normal human lungs, but I bet the doctors didn’t catch that. I bet it was something far worse. A communicable disease, probably, one that doesn’t kill you (again, I hope and pray that Carlos Correa survives, whatever the malady may be) but one that can definitely spread around a locker room. Something snivelly. Something where you just become a giant loser. He probably caught it from Justin Verlander when Correa first came up from the minors.
So, no, it’s not Carlos Correa’s back. And no, it’s not Carlos Correa’s putrid, fart-infested lungs. It’s a communicable disease. I assume. Parody law! I said parody law, Scott!! You can’t get me this time!!!
Zuuuuuuuuub
Extended, friends. The Sens extended Zub. Four years, I assume it’s a great deal, I’m gonna not look any more into it and just let myself have this one.
**
Viewing schedule for the day and night:
9:00 PM EST: TCU @ Utah (P12N)
Game of the NITe.
6:30 PM EST: St. John’s @ Villanova (FS1)
11:00 PM EST: USC vs. Colorado State (P12N)
St. John’s needs to start losing eventually if they’re going to make the NIT, but at the same time—why not let it ride for a little bit? It isn’t even 2023 yet.
As for USC: We don’t want a meteor to hit the arena tonight or anything, but Andy Enfield still knows what he did, and what better way to get yourself really amped up and eventually unable to sleep than hate-watching a neutral-site game like this immediately before bed?
7:30 PM EST: Clemson @ Georgia Tech (ESPN2)
We won’t respect Clemson, but if Josh Pastner’s involved, we’re involved.
7:30 PM EST: WestStar Don Haskins Sun Bowl Invitational – Kent State vs. New Mexico State (Zia Country 95.5)
First off, you better have a hell of an FM antenna. Second, again, we have to be involved. The Sun Bowl! And both teams potentially being NIT factors? TCU and Utah better be honored to have topped this.
8:00 PM EST: Alabama State @ Memphis (ESPN+)
8:00 PM EST: Mississippi Valley State @ Tulane (ESPN+)
8:30 PM EST: Notre Dame @ Florida State (ACCN)
8:30 PM EST: Saint Mary’s vs. Wyoming (ESPN+)
NIT contenders in the wild. Wyoming could get back into the mix with a win, Notre Dame probably needs to win eventually but it’s a medium-length season, Memphis and Tulane are just having fun. Good for them. Tulane’s having a moment, you know?
8:00 PM EST: Louisiana @ Texas (LHN)
The Longhorns ride again. Still intriguing that ULL is UL and ULM is not UL, but ULL used to be ULL? I started making a lot fewer jokes about ULL once I made friends with someone who went to UL. Feels meaner now.
9:00 PM EST: New Orleans Bowl (ESPN)
Lot of bowls in that state. City, I suppose. Lot of bowls in that city. The Étouffée.
3:00 PM EST: Burnley @ Manchester United (ESPN+)
Since Man U has all those players who played in the World Cup, does that give Burnley more of a chance here in the League Cup’s Round of 16? Man U resting starters, Man U being tired, Man U players having garnered a wider view of the world and found soccer lacking. That sort of thing.
Other questions: Will Burnley try to win this or will they rest their guys and focus on the Championship? Does Burnley have enough depth that it doesn’t matter? Is Burnley the best soccer team in the world? Who would win between Burnley and Argentina? What if they played soccer instead?
7:30 PM EST: Bulls @ Hawks (League Pass)
I don’t want this to happen, because I like the Bulls, but it’d be funny if the Bulls won a bunch of games over the next few weeks and convinced themselves not to tear it all down at the deadline. It would be a very Bears/Bulls thing to do.
