Aaron Rodgers hasn’t even retired, and Ian O’Connor already has a biography on him coming out this August. It was announced yesterday (I think). O’Connor must really not trust alternative medicine.
The book will talk about the darkness retreat. The book will talk about the novel coronavirus. The book’s cover features an in-depth look at Aaron Rodgers’s pores. That much, we know. Here’s what we don’t:
- Will we get an explanation on Blű of Earth’s witchcraft, and whether she ever escaped Peru?
- Will Kevin Lanflisi receive a mention?
- Going off the last point: What about that word document that makes the rounds every now and then making salacious, seemingly unfounded allegations regarding Rodgers and Harry Styles?
- Still on this vein of thought: Did O’Connor mention fighting in this tweet because he was worried his comment about Aaron Rodgers’s body would otherwise come off as homoerotic? Normalize talking up your boys! My soon-to-be podcast cohost is looking jacked these days! Joe Kelly is as handsome as ever. The brightness is back in my friend Barret’s eyes. See, Ian? I didn’t even have to say No Homo.
- How many times do you think Rodgers’s fondnesses of reading, chess, and his own statistics will be mentioned?
- Does O’Connor know that 9/11 refers to the day four planes were hijacked and flown into three large and notable buildings? Because the Amazon preview says, “That story only got bigger when Rodgers shockingly went down on the night of 9/11,” and it does not specify which 9/11.
I can’t wait. I was going to push for another Montana vacation this August but we might have to do South Padre again instead. I need somewhere I, like Aaron Rodgers himself, can focus on my reading. (Also, I’ve promised to burn the book on Instagram Live if Blů doesn’t receive a full chapter to herself, and I do not want to start a forest fire.)
Joe Kelly Spin Zone
First one of the season!
Our guy made his spring training debut yesterday, and what are you talking about it went great. Technically, yes, he blew a save, but this is spring training! Technically, yes, he let Ezequiel Duran hit a triple, but was it hard-hit? I don’t know! It’s spring training! They don’t have Statcast, and I didn’t watch! Technically, sure, Duran then scored on a wild pitch, but that’s a good sign: If Joe Kelly can’t be caught, he’s already in midseason form.
In conclusion: Our guy is back. Opening Day ready to a degree we’ll probably have never seen before. They’re going to make this man the king of Korea.
No More Phood Phights
The Phillies have decided to do away with dollar hot dog day because too many people were buying them just to throw them at each other. It’s unclear if this was about fan pushback or the difficulty of cleaning up. Either way, very Philadelphia move. We respect it to no end. All promotions should end because humanity took them too far.
Tucker DeVries Watch
I hinted at this in today’s NIT Bubble Watch, but I’m not sold on Tucker DeVries. He’s a great player. I fully believe that. But I’m worried he’s only a great MVC player, and I’m also a little worried he’s too big-league for a mid-major. This is mostly based on 20 minutes of game time last night, so take it with a grain of salt, but:
- The guy seemed to expect calls to go his way. It wasn’t just working the refs. It was expecting a different rulebook to be applied to him. That’s how it came off, anyway.
- The guy seemed to relish hero-ball, especially after Brodie fouled out, but it didn’t go well? This is part of why three overtimes were necessary. Tucker DeVries hit one, but his three misses were violent on that poor rim.
- He played with Payton Sandfort in high school, and Payton Sandfort seems to be settling a little too well into the role of good–not–great–Iowa–player–whose–persona–is–pretty–douchey. What’s going on in Waukee? That school needs a better theater program. Cut the athletes down a peg. You aren’t Duke, guys. You’re a suburb of Des Moines.
So, I’m curious how other MVC fans feel about DeVries, three years in. I’m ready to fawn over him, and that would be much more comfortable than being antagonistic. But I don’t want to be too glowing during NIT coverage if this guy’s a jerk. SIU fans, give it to me straight. I don’t trust Bradley fans to be objective here.
Etc.
College basketball:
- We talked about this in Bubble Watch too, but I’m woke to what San Francisco is doing by moving their Gonzaga game to the Chase Center. Yes, it’ll help ticket sales, but it’s way less of a home court advantage, and San Francisco doesn’t have that much to gain from winning the game, while Gonzaga gains a lot. It doesn’t put San Francisco any closer to the bubble. It only maybe helps San Francisco’s WCC Tournament seeding. It gives Gonzaga (more likely than not) another Q1 win at the time when everyone’s saying Gonzaga needs Q1 wins. The WCC’s job is to support Gonzaga. San Francisco is a vassal state.
- Kyle Filipowski took to Instagram to comment on a post about Wake Forest’s loss to Notre Dame, and I doubt that Kyle Filipowski realizes he’s doing it (I think he probably watches ESPN and believes everyone in the world has his back after he may have assaulted that student with good footspeed), but it’s the perfect Duke villain move, and I appreciate that. It’s taken way longer than we hoped, but Filipowski has finally fulfilled the villain expectations bestowed on him when he committed to Durham two or three years ago. Can’t wait for Cooper Flagg and Kon Knueppel to follow in those footsteps. “The Brotherhood.” Those losers! Those douchebags! Those cocky fucks! They are the worst. In that, they are doing their job. Keep it up.
Shaka Smart:
- Marquette beat the everloving shit out of Providence yesterday, but Tyler Kolek might have hurt his oblique. He hurt something. Looked like an oblique. Not good for our guy Shaka Smart silencing the critics in a few weeks. We might have to work overtime, as stans.
Chicago:
- Onuralp Bitim, Chicago Bull. Great game last night in the Cavs’ trap game. I like the move to weave this guy into the mix. The last time the Bulls were humming, Bitim’s fellow Turkish person (Is the word “Turk” derogatory?) Omer Asik was a key figure. This is where the rebuild picks up steam. Maybe this is because I’m a huge contrarian, and maybe it’s because I kind of hate Zach LaVine as a basketball player, but I’m ready to be all-in on the Bulls in April. Hell, I’ll say it. I’m ready to be all-in on the Bulls in May.
The Ottawa Senators:
- Josh Norris’s injury is sounding bad. “Extended time.” Not a lot of season left.
- Vladimir Tarasenko is reportedly set to waive his no-trade clause. That’s probably good. Which is sad. I really did well in picking the most irrelevant hockey and soccer teams back when I picked the Sens and Burnley. In doing that, yet again, the joke turned out to be on me.
