The U.S. Open is happening, so, as one does in these situations, we’re thinking about tennis on the moon.
A moon-based major should be assumed to be the next step for this country club sport, which—having beaten golf to the punch by placing a major on all four white-people continents (England left Europe in 2016, maybe you should watch the news sometimes)—presumably only wishes to expand to the second white-people planet, i.e., the only other planet where white people have been spotted in our history. The moon will get its tennis one of these years, and we’re here to consider what that might look like.
To get an expert picture of what tennis might look like on the moon, I did not ask a single expert in either tennis, outer space, or physics. Instead, I spent a few minutes pondering the matter while my dog tried to fit a stick wider than the elevator door into the elevator. Here’s what we learned:
- Crowds will be small, partially because of the expense of getting to the moon but partially because, once there, it would be hard to eat concessions without suffocating to death and while the loss of life up there would be tragic and logistically challenging (Is the funeral on the moon? Is the funeral back on Earth?) the bigger issue is the bad press this would bring tennis. Tennis can’t afford bad press. Crowds would be small.
- They will have to steamroll the playing surface. I’ve seen the moon. I’ve touched its sandy grounds. I’ve eaten enough moonrocks straight from the moonrock source to know that they’re going to have to steamroll that thing before they put the net up. Still, it’s unclear how the ball will bounce. It may hardly bounce at all.
- The ball hardly bouncing will be a good thing, because as it stands these balls are gonna be flying fast and it will be very hard for tennis players, encumbered by their fresh moon suits (with the fresh moon boots), to keep up. Lot of aces if the ball bounces as it does on asphalt, grass, and clay BUT IT WILL NOT BOUNCE like it does in those places. It will bounce slowly, and then hang in the air for a moment while the players scamper over to it.
- Even with the lack of bounce and the lack of atmosphere working in contradictory directions, we don’t know exactly how that balance will shake out, so tennis should probably do some test runs before committing to using the same court size they use here on Earth. Also, do measurements work the same up there? Is a foot a foot or is it proportional to the size of the sphere-ish it’s found upon? If it’s the latter, they’ll have to bring a protractor or maybe even a sextant. It would be much easier to just host a major on Antarctica, but they’re clearly not listening to me on that.
Other things you need to know today:
A-Rod Can’t Buy the Timberwolves
Allegedly.
Per Josh Kosman of the New York Post, Alex Rodriguez is struggling to come up with his share of the payments allowing him and his buddy, Marc Lore (the guy who started diapers.com and jet.com, if you know of those), to buy the Timberwolves. Why are A-Rod and Marc Lore trying to buy the Timberwolves, you may ask? Well, they couldn’t buy the Mets. Steve Cohen beat them. Evidently the next step was the Timberwolves. Remember that the next time the Mets are up for sale.
The explanation for why A-Rod can’t generate enough money is not that A-Rod has made bad investments or that A-Rod’s in over his head on anything. The explanation Kosman offers is that people used to want to give A-Rod money because they were…really into Jennifer Lopez? That’s his explanation:
A-Rod frequently called for meetings with prospective business partners at the power couple’s lavish homes in Bel-Air and the Hamptons — and Lopez was typically on the premises, according to sources close to the situation.
“You always took your A-Rod meeting with J.Lo,” the source said. “She is coming in and out of the room with workout clothes.”
I mean, it’s not impossible this is what happened. But to be sure that A-Rod’s even in financial distress, let’s see if he’s doing anything people in financial distress might do, like participate in a get-rich-quick scheme involving an industry known for scams.
Oh shit. I’m so sorry, Alex.
Fight Watch: Atlanta
José Ureña, who once threw at Ronald Acuña Jr. to break up a string of Acuña leading off games with home runs (or something like that), is starting tonight for the Rockies in Atlanta. Keep an eye on that. 7:20 PM EDT first pitch.
**
Viewing schedule for the day:
2:45 PM EDT: Millwall @ Burnley (broadcast unknown)
Millwall’s from down in London, they’re the guys Frodo fights in Green Street, they aren’t actually in the area of London named Millwall but everyone is evidently ok with this. (Except, perhaps, for Frodo? Maybe that’s why he fights them.) Burnley last played them in the League Cup back in 2020. Beat ‘em. Vydra and Brownhill did the scoring.
Millwall’s been in the first division only once, but they’ve spent a lot of time in the second tier and they’re evidently pretty well-known, seemingly in part because their fans are so notorious? Burnley’s narrowly favored to win this, playing at home.
7:07 PM EDT: Cubs @ Blue Jays (MLB TV)
Those saying Franmil Reyes made bad decisions on the bases last night are at least in the case of the second one neglecting that whatshisname for Toronto covered a lot of ground to get over there and then the throw had to be on the money and Reyes didn’t represent the go-ahead run speaking technically but really, with the Manfred Man on second Reyes was the effective go-ahead run.
Haters.
8:10 PM EDT: Royals @ White Sox (MLB TV, second screen)
Speaking of haters, Joe Kelly’s got ‘em, and I for one am excited for the next time our guy takes the mound to shut them up. People out here saying to trust the experts and then forming their own opinions on Joe Kelly without consulting me. Trust me, you losers. Trust me! I know a lot about the moon and I am not even an expert on that! I am a Joe Kelly expert!
